Guardian of Souls


As I have been blessed to be a part of so many people’s lives, coming and going, I realized, it has been a test, of sorts.

After the loss of my brother, and my father, a fact emerged, which I knew was something which was a gift, which the Lord had given me. In spite of the fact that it was quite painful He would use this gift, as the seed, to bring forth fruit. And the fruit would bear more fruit.

I was to be a witness to last wishes, as it were, and actually been in the presence of my brother, as the Lord took him home.

This would be the beginning, as I found, of the souls, which would be entrusted to me. I would make trips to the nursing homes, the hospice, hospitals, and literally, anywhere, which the Lord would see fit to send me. I would be in rooms with families, to usher those souls into the hands of the Lord. Sacred moments, prepared in advance.

I began to understand what the Lord meant when he spoke to Peter and he had a request for him, “feed my sheep,” he said. To tenderly care for the precious souls left in his care.

Timothy was reminded, “to guard, what had been entrusted to his care.Turn away from Godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is commonly called, knowledge, in which some have professed and in so doing have wandered from the faith.” 1 Timothy 6:20

The Lord reminds us that he “guards the feet of his saints.” (That isn’t someone deemed a saint by the Catholic church either) It’s anyone called and anointed by God.

He has told us that when we’ve been tested and shown that we can be trusted with a little bit, then we can surely be trusted with the keys to the kingdom of heaven.

The problem is that most people cannot see past, ‘the little bit.’ Satan has them so blinded by pride, power, or greed, that this is where they begin to stumble.

Now, I have a true legal guardianship of my brother. In man’s legal terms it is written, Guardianship of person and property. But, stealing ones property to most people would really be infuriating. Although in my mind, this is not why I was called into action.

No, my calling and purpose was defined by God as a Guardian of souls. And this is what has been tampered with. My God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. So doesn’t all property belong to him? Yes. So it is the souls of these, which are of his greatest concern. This is why He steps in.

Yes, there’s a plan and it involves my calling. I know who I am. It has taken me a while to be sharpened for the task. But I see my lineage. There is my great uncle Harvey Graase. I laugh about him with my family. He worked for the US Department of Treasury. My mother and my relatives used to tell us the stories all the time. He lost his eye to a gunshot by Dilinger. He was one of the Untouchables. My Aunt told me when they would go to Chicago to visit him, they loved it. He was a rough kinda guy, just as he should be, and he’d reach under the bed, and grab a cigar box filled with different colored, glass eyes. He would tell them to pick out which one they wanted him to wear. Now that’s just plain cool. Urban legend? I don’t think so. I did a record search and got some of the papers. He certainly was working for them at that time, and my crazy cousin was right about one thing. A lot of the guys under Elliot Ness, sure didn’t get the credit they deserved. But then again, if he was anything like, I am hoping, he wouldn’t have wanted it.

Now, my point is there are true spiritual ‘Untouchable’s.’ And believing to be from that lineage, the Lord had already spoken this into existence. Elliot Ness had a difficult time finding ‘the incorruptible’ men. Just as our Lord has a tough time finding the ones untouched by the world’s pull. The ones to guard the soul’s entrusted to them. So, God being a supreme Elliot Ness, did speak of these chosen ones. The remnant. 1Chronicles 16:19-22 When they were but few in number, few indeed, and strangers in it, they wandered from nation to nation, from one kingdom to another. He allowed no man to oppress them; for their sake he rebuked kings; Do not Touch my anointed ones; do my prophets no harm.

There is no legal document which I need to give me this power.  It was ordained by God. It is the same providence which made Mordecai speak those famous words to Queen Esther, “Do not think that because you are in the kings house, you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place. But you and your father’s family will perish. But who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:13-14

All of us have unique callings and purposes, in this life. It is up to each and every one of us to choose whether we will fulfill this or not. God tells us, we have free will.

One day about a year ago, I had my bible stolen out of my car. It was a study bible, which I had for years. Many markings and scriptures highlighted. I decided to report it to the police, just in case, it was necessary for safety reasons. I still believed, the person needed it, more than I did.

When I sat down with the officer, he was a little stunned, that someone would steal my bible. After sharing that I had two perfectly good DVD, players, which were left behind, he laughed and said the same thing. “The person obviously needed this.” But then somethings strange. “Hey, do you have a big dog?” “What? No, why do you ask?” As I started thinking, maybe he got the letter’s mixed up, and he meant, God.

“Oh, I just know your name.I’ve heard it before, and thought someone said you had a big dog.” I thought that was really strange. But then the Lord has been reminding me of the moniker used for the Holy Spirit. And lately with what He’s been revealing to me, it’s all starting to make sense.

The other day, He reminded me of the primary reason He’s called me as Guardian of Souls. And everywhere I walk, I have the Hound of Heaven, with me. The Holy Spirit. He hunts people down. No one can bring me harm, nor harm to those who belong to my Lord. The Hound of Heaven literally pursues people to bring them to repentance.

The Lord loves all men, and His desire is to chase them down. He will do whatever it takes to bring them back from the brink of destruction. Men become insane with greed and lust. They do not know what they are doing, and the Hound of Heaven has a job. To sniff them out, and chase them down. To wear them down, until they can run no more.

Until they finally give up the chase and surrender. I have seen the criminals do this many times on the cop shows. The dogs, literally take them down. It’s sad, but they almost seem relieved. Sometimes this is what the Lord has to do to us.

Give up, while you still have time!

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I Surrender


I have been watching my mom and it seems that she is slowing down. Is this my imagination? Living with her each day, has presented challenges. Then I wonder, is it similar to my son’s growth? It’s such a constant, that it’s difficult to notice. But then suddenly, he seems to be taller.

My mom, hasn’t been the easiest person to live with. She is very opinionated, and can be mean. I’ve taken the brunt of this, for most of my life. And she’s as stubborn as a person can be. She refuses the help she needs and then when I see her struggle and try to lend a hand, she’s say’s “well, if you want to help, I’ll let you.”

It’s difficult to remember that she’s been this way all of her life. She’s very insecure and I realize this is the reason for her attitude. She’s never wrong. Yet, she doesn’t mind telling someone else that they are wrong.

Yesterday she had watched a commercial and I heard her make a sound of pure disgust, at the use of the word, “Caramel.” “What’s wrong mom?” I asked. “That’s not how you say, “Caramel!” She said. Well, mom, you can pronounce it with a long ‘A’ or short, ‘A.’ “Either way is acceptable.” I tell her. Already knowing that she is not going to believe me. “Oh come on. That’s wrong!” She tells me. “Mom, it’s in the dictionary. Just like the word, ‘often.’ Some people pronounce the ‘t,’ and some pronounce it with a silent, ‘t.’ And like ‘Aunt, which is really pronounced, awnt, but some people have pronounced it, ‘ant,’ like the ant on the ground. I only pronounced it that way, because this is how you referred to your aunt’s and mine.” Now I can see she’s just irritated. “Well, even if it’s in the dictionary, it’s only been placed there recently!”

Oh, this is how she get’s around everything. So I decide it’s time to drop it. “Ok,” I said. “But it’s nothing for you to get upset about.” “I’m not upset!” She says, because she wants to keep the argument going.

I wonder at this. I believe she was dismissed as a child, and it has a lot to do with her own self-image.This is why she is so judgmental, and opinionated. When I think about this, I feel sad.

I ask her if she would like to go out to the store with me. It is my way of getting her to move her bones. Although, after getting into the crazy holiday shopper’s, I become rather nervous.She is eager to come along, because, as she states, “I need to buy Christmas gifts.” I know she loves to buy little gifts for everyone, so I think this is a fun trip for her.

She refuses any help, besides the use of my arm. And as we walk, I feel her grip, loosen and tighten. At times, I clamp her little hand, into my arm, as tight as I can. I am worried that some rude person is just going to plow her down, or her grip is going to slip. I can feel how small she is, and how much slower she is walking. After a short time she proclaims, “Are we almost done? I would like to buy your gift with you. Cause I’m not going out again.” I tell her,”Mom, you don’t need to get me a gift.” “Of course I don’t!” She says, “That’s why it’s called ‘a gift!” As if I’ve just said the stupidest thing ever. I see that she can only handle very short trips now.

I think back to my placement in, The Children’s Home, when I was a child. After her breakdown, we were placed in this home. I believed I would never be reunited with my mother. I would cry at the separation from all of my siblings and my mother. I had already lost my father in the divorce.

A woman nurse, would rock me in a chair and comfort me, with words, of reassurance, “Don’t worry. You’ll see your mother again.” She would say.

Now, I am beginning to experience that same sadness. I’m facing her exit and watching her slowly going through that door. I feel as if my arm can hold her little hand’s to prevent it from happening. I am angry that I have to watch, as a spectator. I would rather she lived all by herself and just fade away. But then I know that I would be too worried to allow this.

I bought her a new calendar. She’s been checking off the day’s since she came to my home. It breaks my heart. Marking off time, like this reminds me of people in prison or hospitals. My brother did this, when he was in the hospital. I still remember the calendar, facing his bed, with the little black x’s, through each day. Until the last two days. Time stood still. He believed he was going to move down to live by me. I had a place for him and my mother, and then he went to his eternal home.

I was trying to imagine why my mother seemed to hate living in Florida so much. And I think that one reason, is my brother’s death. Before this, she loved Florida, and planned to move here. But after his death, she came down to spend some time with me, and she hated being here. I’ve always thought that it was, “empty nest,’ syndrome. And now that she has two son’s, buried in Wisconsin, she has a longing to return.

But now, I am starting to see her appetite decreasing. As I urge her to eat, she tells me she isn’t hungry. I have resorted to giving her supplement drinks. Along with a little food here and there. She’s losing ground. I can’t stand to see this, happening.

The constant reminder’s, that she will be moving back to Milwaukee, are not as frequent. It seems, just a few weeks ago, she went to my daughter, and asked her, if she could fly her back.” “I didn’t know what to tell her.” My daughter said. “Doesn’t she realize once we’ve landed, that she doesn’t have a place to live?” “No.” I said. “She isn’t thinking about that.” My daughter told me, “mom, when you are gone, she tells me that she wishes you would stay gone.” She said, “Your mom, is annoying.” I laughed. “Don’t let it bother you. She needs me more than she’s willing to admit.”

Sure enough. I flew home from my trip the other day. I didn’t get home until 2pm. As I walked into the house, I noticed my daughter’s car, but it was silent inside. I went into the family room, and there was my mom, sleeping on the couch. “Mom, is everything ok?” I asked. She got up in a fog. “Oh, I’m fine.” I realized that the tv, was not turned on. And I know she can’t understand how to use the remote, even though, I’ve shown her, it’s only one button to turn it on and off. It is understood, that this tv, must be on channel 6, for her, when I leave, so she can watch her ‘story.’ Apparently someone, didn’t turn it on for her. Neither, did my daughter make her coffee.

I went upstairs to reprimand my daughter. “Look, all you had to do was make sure the tv was on for her and make her coffee. If you worked late and you’re tired, just get up to take care of this and go back to bed.” Well, I guess, this would be one reason, that my mom was happy I was home, regardless of how annoying I am.

I’m trying to learn to ‘let go.’ My son told me that I need to trust him more. He’s right. It’s difficult, but I’ve been working on it. I realized that my daughter needs a good firm push out of the nest.

But the most difficult time I’m having now, is accepting what is happening with my mother. I am asking the Lord to give me strength for that time. I know that He takes care of everything, but my heart is breaking.

I took a survey the other day. It asked questions about abandonment, and trauma’s. I had to answer that I’ve experienced everything on that list. But it hasn’t gotten easier. I’m trusting the Lord with my heart, and I realize that this is the greatest faith, I can have. It’s a fearful thing to place my heart in His hands. I know He understands the wounds which have caused this. And I know He is helping me to take a step in faith.

Still, when I’m alone, I find myself grieving. It’s all the sadness from my past and my present, enveloping me. And then, I feel Him. Holding me and speaking words of love. Just as that nurse did, so many years ago. He reminds me that He will protect me, just as He always has. And He will do this for my loved ones, as well.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in Him.”

Surrender…It’s the Most difficult thing


And necessary for the healing of our souls. I’ve had deep tears in my soul. Since I was a child. One after another. It seems all I’ve ever seen was the back of a shirt and another cut made into my soul. A deep cut. Tangible. I cannot tell you how deep the wound of my father’s death left me.Watching his flannel shirt, walking away. At times I think, if only I could capture that moment. That one block of concrete sidewalk. That nano-second, with just the right words. I find myself sobbing into the night.Other shirts turning away, walking. Another cut. There it is. Yes, I feel it…no, there’s no bandage, no surgery. It’s just there. Last goodbyes, sometimes not.  The thoughts of loved ones that have left me standing as I watched them walk away. I have boxes of notes and letters from people in my life and I know that I have projected my hurt toward those who don’t deserve it, just because I want them to pay in some way. This is what the Lord tells me He wants me to let go of and He is working this out in my life. I’ve seen bizarre things as it relates to this, that I cannot even explain, but it is as if the Father certainly is working His plan for my good. But I also know that all of these things has made me have a profound compassion for others. I feel hurt to see others hurting. I cannot explain it It has always been this way.

When the Lord tells me to let go, I still find myself clinging tightly to my security blanket of hurt. It comes to me when I least expect it. I’m afraid, if I will allow myself to feel something  I’m just giving someone a chance to present their back again.When this grace made an appearance in an answer to prayers, I had not even recognized him. Having fallen so deeply into the world and so hurt by the attacks from those around me, I could barely see grace. He was full of beauty and so humble, yet I was arrogant and proud. My eyes were clouded by my own hurt. I refused to allow grace into my life. What a foolish woman I had become in my own pain. We must suffer to learn obedience. And true obedience is the fear of the Lord. Of course many times I ask myself, how could I not recognize what was happening?  I had no idea what it was and my heart was full of rebellion. A wild animal that had yet to be tamed and the Lord knew this. With no ones love to help me understand, I had been bruised and and beaten up by this world. I only knew how to “take care of myself.” The Lord had to show me that picture of grace in all of its beauty. This authority is not from man but from Him and it is not abusive in any way.

Now He tells me that one day my soul will be healed from all of this abuse. His promise is, “all things work together for good to those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.” I will understand. I know that right now I do not. But I have had a taste of it. A glimpse. I was the one that had not recognized it when it had come into my life. But this is why the Lord tells us to surrender.

When we are ready; He doesn’t give us what we need until both hands are empty of what we’re holding onto.