Trauma, a state of being...What is Post Traumatic Stress? Why after all of my trauma, would it pay me a visit now? I asked this question after my trip that fateful day in July 2005.

After my experience in the London bombings, I returned home and I started to go through horrific experiences. Oh, yes I tried to assimilate into my life with some new found friends. Nothing seemed to alleviate the real physical and mental problems that followed, however.

I started to lose my hair and at first thought it to be the medication used to treat the PTSD, but that wasn’t it. I had finally after a few years, regained hair growth in spite of the fact that I was still taking the medicine.

I lost so much weight that I looked anorexic. I was fearful of the things that I had never feared before.

Then I began to experience intestinal problems and even went for a colonoscopy, of course thinking the worst. It was one thing after another. But my question was, why? I had lived through the most intense traumas in my life and it didn’t seem to affect me like this? Why now?

As my counselor spoke to me one day, the light went on. “It is like an egg she said. With each trauma, you develop a small crack. Then one day, you experience something that cracks the egg wide open. It’s similar to the straw that breaks the camels back.”

Ahhh, now I have a visual and yes, this is exactly how she described it. I had questioned how I could be so tough and now I felt as if I was falling apart. Afraid of so many things, even losing joy in the smallest of things. I started to detest lound sounds. The fireworks brought me anxiety and I felt sad that I would retreat to my house when my son was having so much fun watching them. I didn’t want to infect him with this fear. I know that a person cannot live in fear.

I slowly became stronger in my faith in the Lord, once again and have learned to lean on Him in my fearful moments. I trust Him and no one else. I realize that man is fallible and even in business, I understand that no one is ever going to care about me as a person and I must rely on the Lord for His supernatural protection.

He is the good shepherd that watches over me and He has. He will always be the rock that I can stand on. I continue to pray for those that are responsible for my pain and suffering and for those that were in that incident with me. We were the forgotten ones. Our superiors proved that we were dispensable. Our lives didn’t matter on that day and afterward. We were to forget what happened and continue on, business as usual. But hey, why should they care? They sat in their cushioned leather chairs in the lofty office in a nice air conditioned room the day that someone made those decisions to intimidate us to go into the streets with so much at risk.

But I wonder, would they allow their loved ones to do what they demanded that we do that day?Or better yet, would they have done it?

Now that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it???????

Advertisements