My Father, Who Is In Heaven


He came for the sick

He came for the sick

When I pray this, I am addressing my heavenly father and my earthly father. It has become so personal to me and I have a picture of my father whenever I come before my heavenly father.

The longing in my heart is to see him again and to bring honor to him. I see all the little details of my life, woven together to form the fabric of my story. The purpose of my life. Defined by God, before my birth. It has taken me a while to see the calling and the plan. But I know that all of this pain is bringing me to the final conclusion. His promises are, “that all these things will work together for my good.”

I know that when we surrender our lives to Christ, we have been ransomed from the grave. I was bought with His blood. My life no longer belongs to me. But He is at work in me and through me.

I don’t represent myself on this earth, but Him. So though “I am in this world, I am not of this world”. I cannot be purchased by the material, since I’ve already been purchased by something which is more valuable than anything in this world. His blood.

Because of this, I don’t desire to have recognition or wealth. My desire is to fulfill His will for my life. This means to honor my father, even in his grave. Yes, I’ve screwed up many times. I’ve had my heart breaks and tantrums. I’ve screamed at my heavenly Father, “take this away! I don’t want it!” I’ve told Him, like the Israelites, “I was better off in Egypt.” The pain of these experiences have left me feeling abandoned and rejected. So much sorrow, that I can relate to His experience on the cross. I understand that cry of anguish, “Daddy, where are you? Why have you left me?” Sure, maybe Christ didn’t use this vernacular, but the meaning was the same.

My dad was a man who had faithfully served his country and his company. In the end of his tormented life, he was robbed by both. The only joy he had left was his job and his family. Now it had abruptly come to an end, by his own hand.

I certainly couldn’t find any good which could come from this. But then again, when most people looked to the cross and our Lord’s crucifixion, I’m sure they thought the same. I’m sure that at the time, His disciples looked to His death as the end. That Satan’s plan had succeeded. But the end is only for those who have no hope.

This was really the beginning. Our Lord told us that this is His very name. “The Alpha and Omega-The Beginning and the End.” Yes, now I am starting to understand how profound this message really is to mankind.

First, I had to go through these trials to comprehend the depth of His love for all of us. I had to let go of fear and pain and learn to trust My Father. He reminded me that, Christ did not come into this world to condemn us, but that through Him, we might be saved.”

Saved from what? Well, if I rounded up everyone who had brought harm to my earthly father and brought about this suffering, there wouldn’t be a prison big enough to contain them. As the heart of man is full of corruption, what purpose does prison serve? Besides being a drain on taxpayers, it only makes criminals worse.

No, our Lord told us that, “we are anointed to set the captives free.” But this is not by the laws of man. The law does not make one free. As Paul so eloquently stated in scripture, “Until the law was given, I had no desire to sin.”

As I pursued lawyer after lawyer. One law enforcement official after another, to bring justice, I realize that man cannot offer the justice I seek. “One man cannot give his life for another.” This is not going to bring honor to my father or peace to him. Because we are in a corrupt world, our whole system is designed to reward criminals and punish the innocent. It is contrary to our God.

Our Lords plan is always redemptive. His life for ours. He told us, “that the punishment that was meant to bring us peace, was upon Him.”  This is not restoration, or reformation. These things are temporary and without power. But it is regeneration, which only comes by the power of the Holy Spirit of God. The same breath that our Lord breathed into Adam. This is only accessed through our true repentance and the acknowledgement of His sacrifice.

So I pray to my heavenly father, “That His will be done, on this earth as it is in heaven.” As I do this I believe I am bringing honor to my earthly father, and in due time, my Lord will bring forth a harvest.

So, with this in mind, I step out in faith. I allow Him to direct me in the plan. I pray that “He would open doors which no man can shut, and close doors that no man can open.” All with the complete faith that He is drawing the final harvest to a close. I am part of His plan and I am blessed to be His  partner. In the end, whatever it takes, I pray I that I make both of my father’s proud.

I’m In Contempt


and so many other things

I just couldn’t handle it today. I was supposed to have my Guardian Report in month’s ago. But I thought it was by December,because that’s when I did it last year. Because, I was late last year too.

But this year, I picked up my mom up in July. I returned to training, in June. And she was calling me to come and get her in a frantic voice, on my very first trip back. I was so upset, and I couldn’t sleep. I remember being so worried, and I had to tell her, that although, I was going to wait until the next month, I would get her in between trips.

So, needless to say, I was certainly not thinking about a report, that needed to be filed.Now, I had more responsibilities, with her care. My brother,was really easy, compared to the things she needed.

But now, I received a paper from the court, stating that if I didn’t get this report filed I would be “in contempt.”

I had all my trips, back and forth, to New York. I did this last year, so thinking it is not a big deal, I’ll just find some time to finish before the 3 days alloted me for the hearing.

Not so easy. My trip gets messed up with weather.Then I make a crazy flight home in a whirlwind flight with a girl who can run like the wind. I laugh at how she makes the impossible seemingly possible, and now this will be a done deal.

I get home on the 2, and the hearing is on December 6th. I get up early. Get my brother off to school. Praying that my mother rests just a little bit longer. I get on the computer and try to pull up those reports, only to remember that I did a system restore. Oh, yes I did. I wiped out all that information. Everything gone. All that stuff that was so easy, is a difficult task.

And now, I called my attorney’s office,only to be told that it can’t be 3 day’s to the hearing. I think, this can’t be true. So I personally go to the courthouse and speak to the deputy. She tells me, to speak to the secretary.

I speak to her and she says, “Of course, just fax me your info and we’ll give you an extension.” “Yes, that’s great, because I’m leaving on a trip.” I tell her.

Besides the fact that I must take my brother in to have an evaluation with a doctor. (As if anything is going to change) And my attorney needs to sign the documents.

I have all kinds of things going on. I celebrate Christmas and Chanukkah and I realize that my attorney is Jewish.

I go type up the written request and fax it. Today my attorney calls to ask whether I’ve heard anything. “No.” I tell him. “Well, we have to show, or you’ll be in contempt.” he tells me. “Well, then I’ll be in contempt. They told me they’d give me an extension, if I send a written request. This is ridiculous. It’s a matter of paperwork!” 

I was talking to my girlfriend after being so overwhelmed to the point of almost crying today. I said, “I’m so sick of all this. I snapped at my mom. I’m probably going to go to jail for not having my report in for my brother,while all the criminals are getting away with murder!” We started laughing. She said, “Yea, did you hear about that woman today, that was arrested for having $200 worth of overdue library books?” “Oh,that will be me!” I told her!

Definitely no good deed goes unpunished! My attorney finally told me to fax him the request and we’ll see what happens.Isaid to him, “Hey it’s Chanukah, what are you doing at the office, anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be at home celebrating?” “I’m putting out fires, here.” He said. “Hmm, Good point.” lol

 I guess I am rather contemptuous,at that. Ask people who know me. I’m always flying by the seat of my pants.Perhaps it is the reason, I am a flight attendant. And a contemptuous one, at that. So if I end up in prison, I’m sure, I won’t be on Santa’s nice, list, but, please send me some cookies….oh, and don’t forget to look out for my family!!!!

p in prison, please send me some cookies, and take care of my family!!!!

The Power In His Name!


After watching this video, I was impressed with the calm demeanor of the store clerk. It was clear  that she has a relationship with Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit was guiding her as she witnessed to the man.

The “power made perfect,” only takes hold as we lay our own lives down for another. She was more concerned about this man and his soul, than her own life. The Lord tells us, “Whoever loses their life for my sake, shall find it.”

His name is powerful. It is “the name above every name by which man can be saved.” This man knew this and became remorseful about his actions. The conviction of the Holy Spirit fell on him, in that moment that this young girls unconditional love, began to pour out. This is the drink of water that this man needed.

Yes, he could get the money for his rent, and he would need it again. The water from the well, which Jesus Christ spoke about. But, as He said, “When you drink of the water, which I can give, you will never thirst again.” Indeed, whether rich or poor, there just is no satisfying sin. It desires more and more and you become a vacant pit, which cannot be filled.

Jesus Christ comes to each of us, to speak this. You can be at the pinnacle of success, and still be empty. You can be this man, about to lose your home, and be desperate enough to destroy another person. In the end, both will be left with nothing.

The girls words, “The Lord is returning soon!” Her pleading with this man for his soul. It was so incredibly touching to watch. How she longed for him to turn to the Savior. Isn’t this what the Lord asks from us? To speak the message and to be bold! No backing down.

Even if this man was thrown into prison, he has a choice to be free. By the same token, even a man who is living in luxury, may be in prison. The only one who can change this for us is Jesus Christ. He is The Way, The Truth, and the Life. And those who know The Truth, shall be free indeed!”

The Hard Way…Usually Makes Us Stronger


I received a letter from my nephew and I was so blessed. Troubled since his youth and not having any father figure or communication with his mother, he was almost destined to fall into the hands of evil.

Now incarcerated my mother and I have been his only source of communication. I’ve prayed for him since he was young and had always felt a deep compassion for him.

He has two young children of his own and now he told me in his letter that his son came to visit him and shared some words that hit him very hard; “I need you to be a father to me.” He shared that prayers really do get answered if you believe and have faith!”

Then he blessed me so much as he said, I am lucky to have an aunt like you. Your cards and letters mean the world to me. You don’t even know how much.”

This was just part of the letter, but the rest was equally powerful as I witnessed the change in him that God had been working through the time he had isolated him from the world and its corrupt inflence and then at this last visit from his 8 year old son. How he was able to see a mirror reflection of himself and the fact that he did not want to allow a life like this for his own flesh and blood and now to see the consequences of his actions.

I thought of how powerful love is. Simple gestures. Cards and letters. His own mother, my sister does not write to him. This has always made me sad and I know one day she will give account for this.

I remembered one day years ago when my ex husband had a man working for him. He was an ex convict. He had been in prison for a number of years for killing a woman while driving drunk. I thought how sad to have spent this many years behind bars and yet this man didn’t seem to show much remorse for his crime. He also seemed to still be in bondage to drugs and alcohol. His justification was that he had found out later that the woman was also drinking and that is why she was in the road when he hit her. I wondered at how hardened a mans heart could be and yet, the prison system tends to make a man worse when he goes in than before he gets there. Only God can bring a man to repentance.

My ex husband called to tell me that he was bringing Munroe home from work that day. “Oh, by the way, it’s his birthday,” he said. “Oh, I’ll go get him a cake,” I said.

I ran out with my three year old daughter and we picked out a birthday cake. I prepared a dinner and waited for them to arrive.

As we sat and talked and this is when he regaled me with the tales of his prison time and why he really didn’t deserve what he got, “because he was the scapegoat for Mother’s Against Drunk Drivers.”” And they were clearly out to get him,” I thought now would be a good time to end the chatter and get the cake out.

I went into the next room with my daughter and she was all excited. We lit the candles and as we started walking into the room singing Happy Birthday to You…Munroe stood up and ran into the bathroom! I was so startled I had no idea what had just happened. I looked at my ex husband and said, what did I do? Of course  he didn’t know either.

A few minutes later, Munroe emerged, a little embarrassed, eyes all red, and I was surprised. I didn’t think this guy could cry. He said, almost like a little boy…”I’m sorry that I did that. It’s just that, I never had a birthday cake.

“What? You never had a birthday cake? How could that be?”

“He then began telling me that his mother just never celebrated his birthday,because she was too busy with the men in her own life and he was very bitter. Now everything was starting to make sense to me. The hardness of his heart. The reason for his addictions. The little boy that was hurting was bound up inside by a lifetime of wounds and this birthday cake was a sign of love that he never had.

The Lord was reaching out to Him in love through a birthday cake.. He knows what we need and when and He will send someone to speak to us or touch us at that time in our hour of need.

Years later, we went to meet Munroes mother before she died, to mend their relationship. He needed that forgiveness.

Munroe died as well, just a few years ago. A young man, yet years of alcohol abuse took its toll. But he knew the saviour before he left this earth and the forgiveness His cleansing blood could offer. And it was all because he allowed the Lord to remove the hardness and make him a child again, just like he was when he received his birthday cake.

The Dream(A Family Held Captive)Part Three


when will freedom be restored?

“There are two brothers, one fits into the sancutary feeling safe and hidden, the other too big to make it through the door.” This indicates that these are men acting together, such as ‘brother’s in crime,’ spiritual brother’s, not biological brothers. As I said in my earlier post, they are at the very top, (kings) by the symbol of gold, which is the head of the company they rule. They have a relationship of collusion and darkness, that is not one of integrity, because it speaks of one of the brother’s trying to “fit into the sanctuary feeling safe and hidden.” It isn’t a natural fit, but one of forced entry. He’s hiding in the sanctuary as if he is a Godly man, however, as we all know, even Adam could not fool God. He knew when He had sinned and he was naked. He also tried to cover himself. This is why we are told to “come clean.”

The other brother was “too big to make it through the door. The scene looks like Alice in Wonderland and not wlling to leave the other behind, they both get captured together.” One seems too full of pride and believes he is so successful, he has no need of God. His lust for the material and power has overwhelmed his spiritual understanding of who God is and what God has done for him. The smaller brother had at one time tried to get out of this corruption it seems, but because of his loyalty to his brother and his longing for what this world has to offer, he was overwhelmed by this corrupton.”They were captured together.

“Later, one escapes prison.” This indicates the prison of lies, greed and power. They are the snare of the enemy. Satan uses them to deceive us from the truth.

“What seems like years later, the other is relased from prison. The prisoner still makes the same decsions, tries to go through the alarmed exit door.” In this you can see that the men are doing the same thing that I am doing except that I have a true knowledge of the Lord. They are running from the enemy and haven’t found the truth yet. The alarms on the door, symbolize a fear of being caught. They are always afraid of being caught in their lies, however, it is only this fear that the enemy is using against them. The Lord says that “fear has to do with punishment, but perfect love casts out all fear.” He wants to set them free, not punish them. They do not yet understand Gods love and freedom in all of this. This part of the dream indicates that although the brother is released from prison, he is once again caught up in his sin.

“The other warns no!” As if he is trying to protect him, yet he may not understand the only way to freedom is truth.

The Dream(A Family Held Captive)Part Two


After receiving a check from this incident I was in, I was always in fear. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, from the events I experienced. I started to experience strange symptoms. I had no idea what was happening to me and the doctors told me that this was related to the stress. I had a trip to the same city I had experienced the event and had to stay in a hotel there after the initial incident. I thought I would try to “get back on the horse,” so to speak. I was so terrified, I wouldn’t come out of my hotel room. It was Christmas eve and even when someone knocked on my door, I was so scared, I called the front desk. I was told they were delivering cookies because it was Christmas eve. I remembered the day we all rode back to the airport when this happened to us and how scared the crew was. Some were crying. I continued communicating with one of the girls that was extremely traumatized by this event. She sent me a very sad email and was treated terribly after this event. I advocated for her and others that knew this was an injustice.

“A man gives her refuge. The man calls for help.” I had a situation that happened that was another unfair event not much later. A supervisor started to harass me about my hair color. I had been in contact with a vice president and I let him know what was going on. Then a team of supervisors ganged up on me and before I knew it the manager directed my supervisor to alter my work history and I told this man it was probably best he didn’t get involved. I thought the Lord could take care of all of this, but the reality was that I was not walking strong in the Lord at the time.

“She says my daddy knows everything, but she speaks in fear and doubt as if it is is a lie because she has not told her father her situation.”

“The dream continues, the rest of the family becomes imprisoned searching for stairways and exit doors for escape.” When I started to find out about what was really happening, my whole family was brought into this nightmare. Corruption does have an affect on everyone around you, even if you are innocent. It was making me physically ill and it was now hurting my children as well. I was being harassed by people just for having knowledge of their deeds.

“Doors sound alarms they are surprised and again ensnared. Every time repeating the same behavior expecting a different outcome, yet repeating the same way of escape.” Yes, I know what your thinking. That’s the definition of insanity. Believe me, thats how I’ve felt during this at times. But the Lord has given me a sound mind and this is how the enemy wants you to feel. And let me ask you, how sane is it for people to make a crew of uniformed crew members walk down a street while bombs are exploding? Why was I the only one to protest this legally? If I’m the one that is insane then I’ll be crazy every time you place me in that situation.The dream seems to indicate my attempts to find the right door to open up for freedom from this captivity. The captivity of what? Well it’s TRUTH that sets one free, and the whole problem with my situation is that the truth was covered up. I have asked the Lord and each time He reminds me of my mission and He tells me that “His grace is sufficient for me.” He constantly reminds me that I am not the only one involved in this process and He has sent me to “set the captives free.” They are the blind ones. They are the ones that do not understand that they are covering themselves, yet He wants them uncovered so they can be free as well.

“Escaping once and running through the desert, finding refuge in a church.” I did escape and was in a very dry place. Just existing. Knowing that I had been traumatized, not just from that experience , but repeated experiences with these people. Harassment that is never ending from people trying to cover up their own behaviors. At times I have not even wanted to get out of my own bed. Then I finally found my refuge again. In the church with the fellowship of other believers that know what it is like to hold me up when I am too weak to hold myself up. They understand the spiritual man and that the importance is the soul. That I am the one chosen because I cannot be bought and I care more about the souls of men than anything else. Yes, the Lord will choose any means necessary to bring about His plans, however, I will not bow to the things of this world. Not when I can look into the eyes of men and see their destination is still unclear. What is more beautiful than a soul that has turned his eyes from the world to the Lord? That’s what I live for. That’s my purpose to which I have been called.My Calling is Clear

A Family Held Captive


It’s the dream that my girlfriend gave me in 2001. I had it tucked into my bible since then.

I have used it as a guide in this last year. The Lord has revealed it’s meaning in entirety and the people that are in it don’t even know who they are yet. All the players are part of Gods plan to bring about redemption.

I have suffered such hardship and terror that it has taken a toll. No one could even imagine, but it has been to bring about my own righteousness as well as the salvation of others. I have felt a loneliness beyond understanding at times. This is all part of the dream. The woman that had this dream is an intercessor and she prays constantly. As I stated before, she could not believe that she was so instrumental in being used by God in this way. But she shouldn’t be surprised. He always uses the humble servants to bring about His greatest purposes.

I will tell the dream exactly as she gave it to me on 11/14/01

Dear Carrie,

This is the dream I read to you from my journal. A family held captive is how I titled it in my journal. Jesus the doctor who came for the sick.

The dream started with a woman kidnapped. She was in her bathroom. She had her makeup and 2 gold chains and someone came in to hand her a check. She escapes and continues to run and hide in fear. She hides in doctors offices and hotels. She ends up in what appears to be a doctors office or bank. A man gives her refuge. The man calls for help. She says my daddy knows everything, but she speaks in fear and doubt as if it is a lie because she has not told her father her situation. The dream continues, the rest of the family becomes imprisoned searching for stairways and exit doors for escape. Doors sound alarms they are surprised and again ensnared. Every time repeating the same behavior expecting a different outcome, yet repeating the same way of escape. Escaping once running through the desert, finding refuge in a church.

There are two brothers, one fits into the sanctuary feeling safe and hidden, the other too big to make it through the door. The scene looks like Alice in Wonderland. Not willing to leave the other behind, they are captured together. Later one escapes prison.

What seems like years later the other is released from prison. The prisoner still make the same decision. Tries to go through the alarmed exit door. The other warns, No! But the door opens enough to trigger the same alarm. But this time they both escape. The entire large family is released! Set Free! Restored to joy at the time the last brother is released from prison.

They reflect; how did we escape? The alarm on the door was triggered yet we were not ensnared. It seemed as those in authoritiy were looking down watching and directing their escape plan through all their bad decisions.

It was their time to escape to be set free and no alarm or entrapment was able to stop their release from prison. Every obstacle was lifted, every stumbling block removed. A clear path to freedom was set before them. Not by the power of their decisions, but because a way of escape had already been prepared.

There was a part of the dream I remember later and wrote at the bottom of my journal page. It seem to deal with being careful not to be angry or offended when others try to put a label on us.

I am continuing to pray for you.

Now it wasn’t  until recently that the Lord revealed the minute details of this dream to me and it was most amazing. Gods is merciful and slow to anger. Full of compassion and He loves mankind. He is not willing that any man should perish but that all should come to a knowledge of the truth. It is an amazing thing to me, but it is not without suffering. Believe me. This is a lonely road. Very few people whose souls cannot be purchased and some can be bought for virtually nothing at all. In the end the Lord promises to restore us, but we must always remember that it is the souls of men that are at stake and even one man’s soul is worth more than anything this world can offer!

“For what is it if a man shall gain the whole world but lose his own soul?” What we can see at the end of this dream is a picture of grace. Unmerited favor. Nothing that can be earned but is freely given. This is what Christ offers all of us and the only release from prison is truth. It is the truth that makes us free.