Trauma, a state of being...What is Post Traumatic Stress? Why after all of my trauma, would it pay me a visit now? I asked this question after my trip that fateful day in July 2005.

After my experience in the London bombings, I returned home and I started to go through horrific experiences. Oh, yes I tried to assimilate into my life with some new found friends. Nothing seemed to alleviate the real physical and mental problems that followed, however.

I started to lose my hair and at first thought it to be the medication used to treat the PTSD, but that wasn’t it. I had finally after a few years, regained hair growth in spite of the fact that I was still taking the medicine.

I lost so much weight that I looked anorexic. I was fearful of the things that I had never feared before.

Then I began to experience intestinal problems and even went for a colonoscopy, of course thinking the worst. It was one thing after another. But my question was, why? I had lived through the most intense traumas in my life and it didn’t seem to affect me like this? Why now?

As my counselor spoke to me one day, the light went on. “It is like an egg she said. With each trauma, you develop a small crack. Then one day, you experience something that cracks the egg wide open. It’s similar to the straw that breaks the camels back.”

Ahhh, now I have a visual and yes, this is exactly how she described it. I had questioned how I could be so tough and now I felt as if I was falling apart. Afraid of so many things, even losing joy in the smallest of things. I started to detest lound sounds. The fireworks brought me anxiety and I felt sad that I would retreat to my house when my son was having so much fun watching them. I didn’t want to infect him with this fear. I know that a person cannot live in fear.

I slowly became stronger in my faith in the Lord, once again and have learned to lean on Him in my fearful moments. I trust Him and no one else. I realize that man is fallible and even in business, I understand that no one is ever going to care about me as a person and I must rely on the Lord for His supernatural protection.

He is the good shepherd that watches over me and He has. He will always be the rock that I can stand on. I continue to pray for those that are responsible for my pain and suffering and for those that were in that incident with me. We were the forgotten ones. Our superiors proved that we were dispensable. Our lives didn’t matter on that day and afterward. We were to forget what happened and continue on, business as usual. But hey, why should they care? They sat in their cushioned leather chairs in the lofty office in a nice air conditioned room the day that someone made those decisions to intimidate us to go into the streets with so much at risk.

But I wonder, would they allow their loved ones to do what they demanded that we do that day?Or better yet, would they have done it?

Now that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it???????

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Where Can I Hide From Your Spirit?


London subway bombingsBack door of our hotel

Yes, it happened and I wasn’t the only one there, although people would want everyone to think it never happened. Twelve other crew members to be exact.  We were told to walk down a street in full uniform while bombs were exploding and suffered trauma as a result of this.I was the one that fought with everyone in authority. I told them that this was insane. I was the one that was taken aside and they tried to persuade repeatedly since I was the spokesperson for the others that didn’t want to go.

Now I’m supposed to pretend it never really happened because reports were covered up. But everybody knows. My own reputation is being ruined and because I was the only one that reported it, I am being told to just be quiet and go away. But I’m not going away and neither are any of the others that were in this incident. We have all suffered as a result of this, no matter how harmless this seems to the ones that sent us into this street. Because we weren’t killed, does not mean no harm had taken place that day. We all assessed our own lives as we ran down the street and when we found out another bomb exploded, one of the pilots ran off and left us, stranded on the street.

We were terrified and as we rode on the bus knowing that there could be suicide bombers in the area, we had to wonder if we would make it to the airport. We also wondered what the whole point of the mission was, since most of the transportation was shut down and if we would indeed make it back to the states. Quite a few crew members were crying. I will never forget that day and was angry enough to file an action, but now I’m more angry to find out that this was covered up. I told the attorney that it was never about money. I wanted to tell the story so that it did not happen again. But to have this swept under the carpet and to now to be treated so bad this past year as if I’m the one that has done something wrong for taking a stand, just infuriates me.

I risked my life for a company and been threatened and harassed repeatedly.The terrorism that I had experienced that day in the streets of London was nothing compared to the terrorism that I experienced this past year since these corporate people have learned that I’ve discovered they covered up the safety reports. I have lived without money and had benefits cut and now they have tried to strip me of any dignity, because of their own lack of integrity.

I’m sorry but I thought I lived in a country where we had a constitution and it separated us from countries that operated under dictatorship. Lately I’ve been seeking justice and can find none. My union has all but disappeared. The justice system is so corrupted that it’s difficult to find anyone to pursue people just for the sake of integrity. So the average citizen’s pursuit of any kind of life,liberty and justice, is pretty much a myth, However, when the Lord decides it’s time, it will all implode, and believe me, it’s coming soon.

“Since the time of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of God has suffered violence, but the violent shall take it by force.” (Matthew 11:12) The believers are not called to maintain the kingdom until the return of the Lord, but to advance the kindgom and we do this by upholding truth and righteousness. It is not easy or comfortable. It’s not convenient. I remember a pastor of mine telling me that if you are comfortable in the Lord, you’re in a dangerous place. You should be in the battle.” Of course he was talking about the spiritual battle, not a physical battle. People would rather not speak up and say anything to rock to boat. It’s easier to just follow the rest of the sheep. But the Lord also says, “there is a way that seems right to a man, but it leads to destruction.

I am confident that the Lord will expose all of these deeds in due time. No man can hide from His spirit. (Psalm139:7)

The Dream(A Family Held Captive)Part Two


After receiving a check from this incident I was in, I was always in fear. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, from the events I experienced. I started to experience strange symptoms. I had no idea what was happening to me and the doctors told me that this was related to the stress. I had a trip to the same city I had experienced the event and had to stay in a hotel there after the initial incident. I thought I would try to “get back on the horse,” so to speak. I was so terrified, I wouldn’t come out of my hotel room. It was Christmas eve and even when someone knocked on my door, I was so scared, I called the front desk. I was told they were delivering cookies because it was Christmas eve. I remembered the day we all rode back to the airport when this happened to us and how scared the crew was. Some were crying. I continued communicating with one of the girls that was extremely traumatized by this event. She sent me a very sad email and was treated terribly after this event. I advocated for her and others that knew this was an injustice.

“A man gives her refuge. The man calls for help.” I had a situation that happened that was another unfair event not much later. A supervisor started to harass me about my hair color. I had been in contact with a vice president and I let him know what was going on. Then a team of supervisors ganged up on me and before I knew it the manager directed my supervisor to alter my work history and I told this man it was probably best he didn’t get involved. I thought the Lord could take care of all of this, but the reality was that I was not walking strong in the Lord at the time.

“She says my daddy knows everything, but she speaks in fear and doubt as if it is is a lie because she has not told her father her situation.”

“The dream continues, the rest of the family becomes imprisoned searching for stairways and exit doors for escape.” When I started to find out about what was really happening, my whole family was brought into this nightmare. Corruption does have an affect on everyone around you, even if you are innocent. It was making me physically ill and it was now hurting my children as well. I was being harassed by people just for having knowledge of their deeds.

“Doors sound alarms they are surprised and again ensnared. Every time repeating the same behavior expecting a different outcome, yet repeating the same way of escape.” Yes, I know what your thinking. That’s the definition of insanity. Believe me, thats how I’ve felt during this at times. But the Lord has given me a sound mind and this is how the enemy wants you to feel. And let me ask you, how sane is it for people to make a crew of uniformed crew members walk down a street while bombs are exploding? Why was I the only one to protest this legally? If I’m the one that is insane then I’ll be crazy every time you place me in that situation.The dream seems to indicate my attempts to find the right door to open up for freedom from this captivity. The captivity of what? Well it’s TRUTH that sets one free, and the whole problem with my situation is that the truth was covered up. I have asked the Lord and each time He reminds me of my mission and He tells me that “His grace is sufficient for me.” He constantly reminds me that I am not the only one involved in this process and He has sent me to “set the captives free.” They are the blind ones. They are the ones that do not understand that they are covering themselves, yet He wants them uncovered so they can be free as well.

“Escaping once and running through the desert, finding refuge in a church.” I did escape and was in a very dry place. Just existing. Knowing that I had been traumatized, not just from that experience , but repeated experiences with these people. Harassment that is never ending from people trying to cover up their own behaviors. At times I have not even wanted to get out of my own bed. Then I finally found my refuge again. In the church with the fellowship of other believers that know what it is like to hold me up when I am too weak to hold myself up. They understand the spiritual man and that the importance is the soul. That I am the one chosen because I cannot be bought and I care more about the souls of men than anything else. Yes, the Lord will choose any means necessary to bring about His plans, however, I will not bow to the things of this world. Not when I can look into the eyes of men and see their destination is still unclear. What is more beautiful than a soul that has turned his eyes from the world to the Lord? That’s what I live for. That’s my purpose to which I have been called.My Calling is Clear