Chasing Shadows


Everything that I could learn packed into that ball

I just cannot believe my life. It seems that the past 5 years, has been about chasing nothing but shadows. I wondered at the things I was witnessing. Who were these guys? Were they the good guys or the bad guys?

I was so fearful and at times, I thought I knew what was happening, then I would just learn to live with the silliness of it all. I wondered, “Why do I have to notice this stuff? Why can’t I just be like most people and just totally unobservant?” But then again, My son is the one that would see a guy coming out from the side of my house. “Hey mom, what is that guy doing there? He’s got a phone truck with cones set up.

Yep, my son. He notices everything. I wouldn’t dare tell you about the other things he’s seen, or you’d think he’s crazy. One time he came home from school after my brother, he, and I had flown up to Wisconsin, on a trip, and he told me his teacher had asked him, “What’s up with your family?” In response to our family trip. The whole trip was supposed to involve me seeing an attorney, so I thought that was interesting.I mean a teacher, questioning a child in school elementary school?

Shadowy characters, appearing and disappearing. I would see people coming and going from my life, and almost thinking I was operating from a paranoid position.Doing things which made no sense.

At one point I asked a friend, “Who am I?” I felt as if people were watching me with interest. As if I had something they wanted. Well, what was it that I had?

Sure, I had experienced many things, and I had knowledge of a lot. But it seems that the Lord had me on what I would call, “a dry run,” for the last couple years.

In my situation, ignorance really is bliss. While all these people thought I knew what I didn’t know, I was terrified of something completely different, and much less threatening. The Lord certainly has a sense of humor.

Because in that time, He sharpened my sword and He showed me that I am “The head, and not the tail.” I am not to be afraid. If He has called me, then He has equipped me. And He has called me. Because it is His will to make me a voice for the less fortunate.To champion the cause of the meek.

Now I was remembering my experience at the charity Ball, I was at one night,at the beginning of all of this.Since it had so many spiritual signs for me. The name, Discovery was the most significant. I was only at the beginning of the quest for discovery. Yet, most of those hiding their deeds, had already thought I knew, so my favorite scripture applied perfectly. “The wicked flee though no man pursues, yet the righteous are as bold as a lion.”

After leaving the Ball, I had headed on the freeway in the wrong direction. The traffic got stuck and I literally sat on the freeway, all night long. I was in a long formal gown and freezing. I had a little jacket and the woman in the car across from me had a radio. She radioed ahead and found that a truck had jackknifed  across the lanes of traffic, cutting all of us off.

We sat for hours, until we were free. As I talked with her, I asked if I was going the right way. I was staying at my girlfriends house that night, and she said, “no, I was going the wrong direction.”

So, cold, tired and annoyed, at the thought of this whole experience, I had to ask what the spiritual meaning was. I was totally deflated by the time I arrived back to my friends house.As I had shared this with my friend, she told me in all her time living here, nothing like this had ever happened to her in her experience.

Shortly after, I went out on leave from work. I had all kinds of terrible experiences taking place at work and it would be just the beginning of a nightmare experience for me.

But, as I said, this was the dry run. I had come into contact with all kinds of people. I confronted the people and their bullying and started to pull down all the strongholds of lies.

After all of this time, I have realized that my wrong turn on that freeway was a spiritual picture of something much bigger. I had no idea how big.

The Lord placed a roadblock in my way to keep me from continuing in the wrong direction. This is His way of guiding me. “Lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path.”

He gave me a covering to keep me warm and someone to keep me posted. It was just enough to let me know He was close by.

Then He released me from the ‘holding pattern,’ in His time. He turned me around. And revealed everything which had been hidden. “And everything which is hidden will be disclosed.”

“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

A Family Held Captive


It’s the dream that my girlfriend gave me in 2001. I had it tucked into my bible since then.

I have used it as a guide in this last year. The Lord has revealed it’s meaning in entirety and the people that are in it don’t even know who they are yet. All the players are part of Gods plan to bring about redemption.

I have suffered such hardship and terror that it has taken a toll. No one could even imagine, but it has been to bring about my own righteousness as well as the salvation of others. I have felt a loneliness beyond understanding at times. This is all part of the dream. The woman that had this dream is an intercessor and she prays constantly. As I stated before, she could not believe that she was so instrumental in being used by God in this way. But she shouldn’t be surprised. He always uses the humble servants to bring about His greatest purposes.

I will tell the dream exactly as she gave it to me on 11/14/01

Dear Carrie,

This is the dream I read to you from my journal. A family held captive is how I titled it in my journal. Jesus the doctor who came for the sick.

The dream started with a woman kidnapped. She was in her bathroom. She had her makeup and 2 gold chains and someone came in to hand her a check. She escapes and continues to run and hide in fear. She hides in doctors offices and hotels. She ends up in what appears to be a doctors office or bank. A man gives her refuge. The man calls for help. She says my daddy knows everything, but she speaks in fear and doubt as if it is a lie because she has not told her father her situation. The dream continues, the rest of the family becomes imprisoned searching for stairways and exit doors for escape. Doors sound alarms they are surprised and again ensnared. Every time repeating the same behavior expecting a different outcome, yet repeating the same way of escape. Escaping once running through the desert, finding refuge in a church.

There are two brothers, one fits into the sanctuary feeling safe and hidden, the other too big to make it through the door. The scene looks like Alice in Wonderland. Not willing to leave the other behind, they are captured together. Later one escapes prison.

What seems like years later the other is released from prison. The prisoner still make the same decision. Tries to go through the alarmed exit door. The other warns, No! But the door opens enough to trigger the same alarm. But this time they both escape. The entire large family is released! Set Free! Restored to joy at the time the last brother is released from prison.

They reflect; how did we escape? The alarm on the door was triggered yet we were not ensnared. It seemed as those in authoritiy were looking down watching and directing their escape plan through all their bad decisions.

It was their time to escape to be set free and no alarm or entrapment was able to stop their release from prison. Every obstacle was lifted, every stumbling block removed. A clear path to freedom was set before them. Not by the power of their decisions, but because a way of escape had already been prepared.

There was a part of the dream I remember later and wrote at the bottom of my journal page. It seem to deal with being careful not to be angry or offended when others try to put a label on us.

I am continuing to pray for you.

Now it wasn’t  until recently that the Lord revealed the minute details of this dream to me and it was most amazing. Gods is merciful and slow to anger. Full of compassion and He loves mankind. He is not willing that any man should perish but that all should come to a knowledge of the truth. It is an amazing thing to me, but it is not without suffering. Believe me. This is a lonely road. Very few people whose souls cannot be purchased and some can be bought for virtually nothing at all. In the end the Lord promises to restore us, but we must always remember that it is the souls of men that are at stake and even one man’s soul is worth more than anything this world can offer!

“For what is it if a man shall gain the whole world but lose his own soul?” What we can see at the end of this dream is a picture of grace. Unmerited favor. Nothing that can be earned but is freely given. This is what Christ offers all of us and the only release from prison is truth. It is the truth that makes us free.