Thy Will Be Done


I am watching the political race and I’m also experiencing something similar at my own place of employment. As I spoke to a friend the other day, only one word came to mind about all of this, ‘disillusioned.’  But the Lord keeps reminding me that everything is in His hands and this is all part of His plan.

My job is prayer and to take a stand for His righteousness. I have been grieved by so much pain which has been caused in my own personal life and the lives of so many other’s because of this greed.I don’t wage war for the material, or I would be like the people I am battling.  And it is the ultimate bully, of our souls, who pulls the strings of man. He drives men’s hearts to desire that which is evil. Again and again,we are told in scripture, “You do not war against flesh and blood. But against powers, principalities, and rulers of this ‘dark world.'” This is our chapter in spiritual warfare Ephesians 6) and it is extremely important that believers understand this Especially when we come up against these powers. They operate through people.

This is why Paul exhorted us to remember our battle.He says, “We are  not ignorant of Satan’s devices.” He’s tricky, deceptive as can be. Always trying to distract the real focus and goal in mind.  As frustrated and hurt that I may be, I constantly think of those people in the grips of the enemy’s hands. And I pray, “that they escape from the snare of the enemy who has taken them captive to do his will.”

This discussion is one which I had with a person the other day. I was told that this person “was in the real world,” and it isn’t pretty. As if I’m unaware for some reason. The impression seemed to be, that I was fighting for some kind of “pay-back,” for what I feel has been stolen. That feeling of giving anything back to me, is nonexistent. I’m not emotional about that. When it comes to injustice, I do get emotional. I see it as righteous anger. I know I’m impulsive and brash, at times. I’d say if I compared myself to any disciple, it would be a combination of Peter’s temper and Paul’s ability to talk. Yes, Peter cut off the ear of a guard at Jesus arrest, and His words, are constantly ringing in my own, “He who lives by the sword also dies, by the sword.” But hey, as much as Peter screwed up look at the Lords, love for him. And when I think of Paul and his preaching until a man fell out of the window and died, only to have him come out and have to resurrect him, I have to laugh. I know that’s been a fairly good description of me at times as well. But here again, the man used to murder Christian’s, and look at what God can do with a life consecrated to Him?

Of course, the Lord has told us that, “we are in this world, but not of it.” But this doesn’t  make me immune to it. In fact, I would dare to say, I’ve suffered more direct hits from the enemy than most. In his attempts to thwart my faith, I have endured the most intense suffering. But my faith has only grown stronger through it all. I can tell people that the enemy is real, he wants to rob you of your faith, kill and destroy you.” This is a reality. I’ve done hand-to hand combat with him. If you want to talk about what isn’t pretty, this isn’t. But how far are you willing to go to save the souls, that are being stolen by him? And let me tell you, if you are real about loving His people, you will be under spiritual attack. But the Lord has promised, “His ministering angels who minister to all the heirs of salvation.”

The injustice perpetrated upon people, is something which the enemy has done by using his strategy of corruption within the hearts of men. Those men are also captive. They may be at a higher level of income, but captives to Satan’s devices, nonetheless.

My lifetime has been a sacrifice of caring for the needs of others, and I don’t look for income to impress anyone. Because I don’t need this gratification, I don’t find myself striving for the same things as others. I feel a deep compassion when people are hurt, and the person I was speaking with made the valid point that people “above me only care about money, not us.” Of course I know this is true, generally speaking, but just as there are exceptions to every rule, I would say, I found someone above me, who had a soft heart. Full of compassion and by the same token, there are people in the lowest income bracket which are also full of greed. This is not isolated to levels of society. It is sin, plain and simple. But in the end, it is the One, above all, who gives me grace and supplies my needs, so that I have what I need for the battle.

The Lord is King of all Kings, yet He said that He had come to this earth “to serve, and not to be served.” Well, then why would we be more important than our own creator? No, you see, my eyes are not clouded by this world and indeed, I could say I probably see a clearer picture, than some who claim to be “in the real world.” The truth is that, “the real world,” is not this material at all, but the spiritual behind the scenes. This is where we, (kingdom people) do our battle. Interceding and going where the Lord sends us. I have the discernment of the Holy Spirit as my guide. He leads me into the dark places to shine His light of truth. It makes some very uncomfortable, and others are drawn to it.

But in the end, He is the only one who can lead the way out of darkness. Because as we know, light penetrates darkness and it is not the other way around. The true world is the one which our Lord has designed. It is not corrupted by man and his sinful desires. Which we know is ruled by the ‘god of this age.’ This present kingdom will have its conclusion and the Lord’s kingdom will supplant this ‘real world.” This is why “the government is upon His shoulders and His kingdom shall have no end.”

But He has placed His people on this earth with a commission from Him, and He has told us that He has anointed us for this task. So there is no place which He sends us, where He does not anoint us. The anointing comes from a life of surrender. You don’t seclude yourself from the world, but “go into all the world.”

I had a pastor who used to say, “If you pray for anything for me, pray for my anointing.” Yes, this is a worthy prayer. The anointing is what breaks the yoke of bondage. It is not something which one can get from teachings or sitting in church. Indeed, Christ, spent very little time in “church.” (temple) You will see, the anointing requires action. It is the ‘precious gift inside these earthen vessels.” It cannot be stolen nor, can it be given to others. You can pray for it though, and the Lord gives freely to all who ask. So, as the kingdom of darkness grows darker, continue to pray, His will be done, in your life and the lives of others. In this way, this laying down of your desires, is the beginning of receiving the most important gift of all.

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Wanted, Single, Strong, Colonel…Oh, and Bring Your Own Toaster!


I love you, but I love my toaster more!

I was talking with my mom this morning. I realize that I am going to have those, ‘good days,’ and ‘bad days.’ She is in and out of moods, and until I find out what is happening, it’s as if I’m dealing with someone who is bi-polar.

I am now starting to listen to advice from people, who’ve told me, “don’t take her attacks personally.” Well, it’s difficult, but I realize, that if I’m going to maintain any sanity at all, I have to try to let it go.

Between, the depression, I slip into, as I’ve already shared, and the stress of dealing with her and my other issues, it is all-consuming. So I have to buffer all of this with humor. The other day, I was so exhausted, my son was sick and I couldn’t deal with anymore stress. My mother was asking me, “Who is going to turn on Channel 6, for me in the morning?” I had to explain that there would be someone here to help her.  I felt the anxiety of the past, and I realized, I had to get control of myself. I’ve had panic attacks, in the past, that made me rush to the hospital in a panic. I thought I was having a heart attack, until I found, it was a result of the Post Traumatic Stress. I now, have more on my plate than I ever had, and I am trying to find strength to deal with all of this without going back to the state I was in a few years ago.

I have found solace in my friends, and the Lord’s words to me. It is as the angels of heaven were sent to minister to me. They came calling and praying. I felt so alone, and even out of the blue, a persons communication, was as the Father’s heart, toward me. I felt him reaching down to give me a hug, and let me know, I’m not alone.

As I took my mother on a walk, around the block, with her walker, today, the Lord reminded me of how far she has come. She was so stubborn and rebellious. No way was she going to use one of “those things!” Even when I took her to Orlando, in June, we walked to the pool.  She held tightly to my arm the whole way, and a woman was at the pool with a walker. I pointed and said, “mom, that is really nice. It even has a seat, when you’re tired. Wouldn’t you like that?” “I’m not using that! She said, with such obstinance. She would rather hold onto me where ever we go, and then yell at me, that she doesn’t need my help.

I finally convinced her, in the most loving way. It was the third time she had fallen down, and I told her that, “unless you exercise those muscles, you will not be able to walk. I have this cart, you can use. It has a little basket and everything.(I didn’t call it a walker) I put a bell and a little plate on it that says, “Too Cool 4 U.” She loves it. And now she can’t wait to go around the block.

Today,as we walked, we passed the house, where the ferocious dog lives. He’s big and black and he barks really loud. There’s a sign on the fence that says, “Beware of Dog.” And every time we pass, we wait for him.  The first time, we passed, I was terrified. I have a phobia of big dogs. I also have a phobia, of fish, but that’s for another story. The dog story involves my mom.

In fact, I reminded her of the story, after our encounter with the big, black dog. We heard him coming. I grabbed my moms, frail, little arm. “Mom, don’t look at him!” I said. My mom, was just as calm as could be and kept pushing her walker along. I couldn’t believe it. We’re about to be attacked and she’ll probably just be the appetizer. I’m the main course! She’s not even phased. “Oh, don’t let him bother you.” She said. “What?” I watched the dog run right past us and to a kid on a bike. The little kid was riding by on the street and he seemed to reach down and try to pet the dog.  Ok, now I’m feeling a little foolish. Why do people have, “Beware of Dog,” signs on their yards, and the dogs are running loose? And then, there’s nothing to ‘beware of,’ anyway?

I started to laugh in relief. Then I remembered the story. “Hey mom. Remember when we were working together at that temporary job? We were up at about 5 in the morning and two houses down that big white German Shepherd came out of nowhere? He was snarling at us like he was going to attack us?” “Oh yea! That was scary!” She said. “Yea, and I was so scared, I just kept whispering, help! help!” As if someone could hear us” We both laughed. We were right outside of Dan Hunt’s house. The local cop. Yet, even he couldn’t help us now.

All of a sudden, my mom took her bag of lunch and threw it and that dog ran after the lunch. We both turned around and ran into the house. I cracked up and never forgot about how wise my mom seemed that day. She saved us both with her quick thinking. I was only about 15 years old and I think, how many daughter’s have gone to work with their mother’s and had these kinds of experiences?

I made her laugh so hard this morning when I saw that Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband wants her eggs, so that he can have more children from her. I said, “Hey mom, I want some of your eggs too. You didn’t do so well with my siblings. I feel like I deserve another crack at this. Why not let me try for some more sister’s and brother’s? Come on! How about “a brother from another mother?”

When I had taken her to the hospital a couple of times I specifically told her that if her urine test came out positive for pregnancy, “she could find her own ride home!”

But after all of her things had been pilfered from her; I brought her out of her deepest sadness, with this joke. I had asked her what it was she felt had been taken from her, that she needed so badly. She told me. Her toaster! I could not believe this and after I was done falling out laughing, I asked her, “mom, if I bought you a brand new toaster, what color would you want it to be?” She said, “A red one!” “Ok,” I said. “I’ll get you a red toaster, when you get your new place.”

So one day, I was joking with her that she needed a nice, strong man. Someone who will scare the crap out of those guys! Referring to the ones, who had taken her toaster. “How about a Colonel in the Army?” Yea!” My son said, “Or better yet, a General!”

I told her, “I’m going to run and ad for you in the personals, mom. It will say, “Wanted, Single, Strong, Colonel. Bring your own toaster!” Then I told her that I will take a picture of her erotically posing on the bed next to her beautiful red toaster. What man can resist this? We were laughing as I stated, “Hey, could you imagine, if I had to call my sister or brother and ask for your toaster back, because you’re marrying a Colonel?”

So, who knows? After hearing about Zsa Zsa, today…anything’s possible.

Ministering Angels


I just returned from a vacation with my mom. I went for a week. I took my son, my brother, and her. I have never seen her this frail, and this unsure of herself. She held me tight as we walked. At every step, it seemed, she would ask me, “are we going that way?” And she would point her tiny finger. I would always let her know in advance, which direction we were going, as I could see, she was very fearful, of the unknown.

I realized that she has lived her whole life this way. I remember many of these fears, she has tried to project onto me. Her mother had five girls, and she left them in the care of their grandmother to come to the city. My grandfather had a seven-year affair, which no one was supposed to speak about. My grandmother, chased him down, which my mother and I agreed, we would never do, and although she won him back, it was by default. He had a heart attack and the woman never came to the hospital to nurse him, when my grandmother did.

Finally, she had him back, but at what price? My mother and her sister’s never forgot. Their mother was gone during the formative years, and the bonding was for their grandmother, not their mother. This explains a great deal, when I deal with my own mother, and I am well aware of this. In turn, my mother had more affection toward her father, than her mother, when he did return. She told me, “We called her, ‘mother,’ isn’t that strange?” “Well,” I said, it’s rather formal.” “Yes, she said. ” I sure thought so.”

They never slept in the same room again, after they reconciled. So what was the point? You may as well as have been roommates. But each relationship is different, I suppose. We had a lot of skeletons, in our closets. It just shows you how it affects the future generations.

My mother always said, “There were five of us girls, and I was the odd one in the middle.” “No mom. You were the cream in the middle of the cookie. The very best part!” I told her. And I’m here to keep reminding you of that.” I wanted to tell her this, because I had remembered reading a psychological report from her doctors when she had her breakdown. It was after she lost my brother from spinal meningitis. I was a little girl and it was traumatic for me as well. One of the things the struck me was that the doctor made note of the fact that my mothers  sisters were so instrumental in her pain and suffering. They were the ones who had placed her children in the Children’s Home, after all. Yet, when it came to her own description of her relationship to them, she stated that she felt she was the black sheep. That because of her divorce and lack of income, she was left out. This made me very sad. At that moment of reading those words, I wished I were older to hold her and help her. But I was a child.

Now I am an adult and oddly, she is like a child. I feel the Lord allows me this time to tell her all those things that I wanted to tell her . “No mom. you are the cream in the middle of the cookie. The best part. You are the queen. You should be in a resort every day and treated like royalty.”

My son was feeling jealous yesterday at the pool. He feels rivalry with my brother at times and I have to discipline both of them for fighting. I took him and made him sit on the chair. “You should make him sit on the chair too!” “Well, I can’t, because then he’s sitting by you and both of you are fighting.”

Later, after they returned to the hotel, they fought again, and I sent him to his room. This time I went in to find him crying. I sat down and talked with him to find he needed me with him. So I told my mom. I need to cuddle with Noah for a while. I fell asleep with him and I saw her walking the halls to find me. I had to put her to bed a child. “Oh, she said, I thought you went somewhere.”No mom. I won’t go anywhere without telling you. I promise you.”

I fell asleep with my son, and I woke up again, with tears. It was the third night in a row. I had been dreaming of my mother, and I was sobbing. It was so much that my face was wet with tears and this time, I heard the Lord speaking to me. “These are ministering angels. They minister to the heirs of salvation.” He said. “Wow, so this is what this is all about, I thought. It has felt like I have been purging my soul. When I sleep, it seems as if everything I’ve been feeling inside, is coming out. It is so deep. It is as if I cry the tears my mother cannot cry.

I think these angels help me to purge everything, so that I can find the strength to make it through another day. I felt them lift me out of myself to higher ground. To get past the pain and trust in the Lord to hold it in His scarred hands.

The other day, I asked her, “Mom have you always been so terrified of everything?” She became very angry. I”m not terrified!” “Ok, mom” I said. But, I remembered something from my past. When I went to Chicago for my interview with my first airline, I was with my mom, my mother-in-law and my ex-husband. We decided to take them to Chicago for the day. It was my initial screening, which meant it was like a huge cattle call.

Hundreds of people come to this, and I wasn’t surprised. As we drove into the parking lot, my mother exclaimed, “My gosh! Look at all this competition!” At this my mother-in-law, said, “Don’t say that! You’ll scare her!”That’s when  World War III began. My mom actually said, “”I’ll scare her if I want to, she’s my daughter!” And they began to argue, as I exited the car. I didn’t let it bother me, since I had grown up with my mother’s insecurities. I had to fight against it. Anything I wanted, I had to figure out how to do it on my own. But I understood, the reason’s behind my mother’s insecurities, which made it easier to deal with. I had compassion for her. I see how difficult her life has been and I want to try to make the last stretch as smooth as I can. I want to take away the pain of some of the bad memories, when I can. And if the Lord gives me the opportunity to bring her some justice, I will do so.

I try to advocate for her. I’m not saying I always have patience. I don’t. Sometimes I snap. And then we just laugh about it. But, I love her and I protect her. And just today, walking out of a store, I see a man, running to the door to open it. Saying ” Bless you, mommy!” I see this, just like the one’s who are compassionate to my brother. These are the ones who the Lord is speaking of, when He says, “And if you give unto the least of these, then you are giving unto me.”