Happy Hair Loss Restoration Month!”


What in the world is going on in this country? Does everyone who has a product to promote, get a month or day, set aside for their ailment,so we can all spend money for the cause? Today, I saw a guy on some show, claiming that it is, Hair Loss Restoration Month. Gee, I didn’t know. Perhaps I should be sending cards to my friends, who are slowly losing their locks. The “hair challenged.” I suppose it’s an offensive remark now, to call someone ‘bald.’

I know this ailment. My father was completely bald, and he seemed proud of it. “Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street!” He always used to tell us. Over the years, we had seen him receive gifts, of ‘The bald comb,’ a coonskin cap, etc. He loved it. The time I saw his picture in his navy uniform, on my grandmother’s dresser, I exclaimed, Wow! Dad, you had hair!” I thought how handsome he looked. Only a boy. He’d lost his hair quite young.

Then there’s my mom. She had always had very thin hair. And even now, she refuses me to curl it, or fix it in any way. I get frustrated. I had pulled it into a cute pony tail, and she told me, “she didn’t want me to do it again.” I laughed, at the fact that her and I are completely different in this area. I always enjoyed fixing my hair and doing makeup. At a very young age. I would take her makeup out of her bedroom and put it on. I would study magazines and learn all the techniques. I took a charm book she had from her, when I was about 10, and studied it, as if it was my bible. I then took some of her dresses, and hand tailored them to fit me. She just laughed. I learned how to stitch them to fit my body. I would turn them inside out, and pin them all the way down each side and stitch them. I’d hem them to ‘mini-dress,’ length, and voila! I had the best dress around.

Now as I listen to this guy ramble on about ‘hair loss,’ I remembered the joke. I used to say, between my mom and my dad, I don’t stand a chance. Sure enough, I had suffered trauma, and I noticed in the shower; little gobs of hair. Then it seemed to be shedding like crazy. I started to panic.  As I looked into the mirror, I could see the thinnest hair, and swore I could see my scalp. Well,of course, I had lost a great deal of weight, and that was probably contributing to the hair loss. But I didn’t care about the weight as much as the hair. Well, I began to buy the shampoos, which claimed to stop hair loss. I went to get cortisone shots in my scalp. Although, I don’t really believe they gave me anything in that needle, as I never received a bill, and I sure never noticed any results.

At any rate, I can sympathize, and if I would have known, it was “Hair Loss Restoration Month, I would have been so appreciative of a card, when it happened to me.  But no. Nothing. Just pats on the back from friends, telling me, “Oh, you’re not losing any hair. That’s normal.”

Now I also heard an advertisement for people suffering from; Work Shift Disorder. Oh yes, I can definitely relate to this one. It’s for people who have a difficult time,waking up in the morning, or falling asleep, at night,  because of their work shift?Hey, it’s called, work, for a reason!  I wonder what kind of medicine, we’re  supposed to take for that?  I always thought, the antidote was, vacation or retirement. And which company is responsible for promoting this ailment? I’m curious. It sure isn’t the corporations which hire all of us, with the screwed up schedules. But they may be  unwittingly investing in the drug manufacturers, which are trying hard to convince all of us, that it is a deadly disease. It certainly would seem to be a conflict of interest to a corporation, to go along with this.  It’s an excuse for ‘nonproductivity.  Not just something called, ‘Life.’

Now let’s not forget about ‘Restless Leg Syndrome.’I love this one. I have restless legs a lot. Am I beginning to sound like a hypochondriac? Or is it that this world, is constantly trying to convince me that all of this is abnormal?

My mother has complained for quite a while about, ringing and buzzing, in her ears. I said, “you know what? I actually saw ear drops, for that. We went to Walgreens, and bought some. It’s supposed to relieve the ringing. I laughed as she was reading the label. She’s squinting and reading the small print and said, “Place in the ear channel.” I laughed at this, and said, “Mom, did you say, channel?” “Yes,” she said, “that’s what it says.” Ok, I knew the word was canal, but I told her, if you have a channel, you might be tuning in to the local radio station. Why don’t you change the channel?” She was cracking up, as I said, “what channel is it on? I hope it’s not talk radio, cause then you definitely need those drops!”

Then there’s the intense desire for women to have long eyelashes. Never mind that they also shed. I have been blessed with long lashes, so I have never had ‘lash envy.’ However, when I see the advertisement for this potion, and listen to the side effects, “may develop brown spots, on eyes, which are irreversible?” Well, that’s wonderful. You have the most beautiful lashes, on your liver-spotted eyes.” Hmmm, that’s the tradeoff?

Well, I tend to believe, it is just a whole lot of ridiculous manipulation going on, in the advertisement industry; Now.I’m convinced.  As I just turned on the television to hear some friends complaining about how lame their buddy is, for having a “naked toilet paper roll.” Oh how sad, for this guy. He invites his friends over, and all they can do is complain about the fact that they can actually see his toilet paper! What kind of people are these? In my house you’re lucky to be able to find the spare roll. If I can keep on top of the ‘supply and demand issue.’ That’s the priority. If a person doesn’t like the way my toilet paper looks, I’d just as easily shove it into a coffee can. I believe in repurposing, when possible. So what better way to do this? Then you can also infuse the air with a scent of coffee. Hey, it works on the airplane. Yes, that’s right. When you see those bags, hanging on the door, or setting on a counter, in the lav, don’t be tempted to take those. We use them to eliminate odors.

One day, I had a female celebrity on my flight. This woman is one of the icon’s in Hollywood. I’ll just call her, May Funaway.    She refused to take her seat,when the pilots came out. The captain, asked, why she was standing by the near the galley, when he came out. The purser explained, that she told her, “I don’t have to sit.” She believed that those security rules, did not apply to her. After all, she is a diva. Coincidentally, I had Eunice Shriver on the same flight, and she couldn’t have been more gracious. Not one bit pretentious. But Ms. Funaway, said, “It doesn’t matter, I have to use the bathroom.

After, she had completed her duty, I joked with my flying partner’s that I should sell that coffee bag on Ebay. If I told everyone that it was the same bag which hung in that bathroom, that May Funaway,  “toileted,” in? Wow, Eu De Toilet Funaway. Hmmm, on second thought, I told them, it wouldn’t fetch very much, as  her’s, clearly doesn’t stink.

So, back to reality. All these marketing ploys. It’s not bad enough to tell you that if you’re feeling depressed, you can take that pill. Oh, but the side effect might make you suicidal! What? I think I’ll just take the plate of depression, thanks. I don’t want the pill that’s going to send me over the edge.

Let’s not forget  to mention the people who have a ‘weak stream,’ when they urinate. This is not to be confused, with those, who must stop at the bathroom, every few minutes. That’s a different problem. And yes, there’s a medicine for that.

Since when did this a weak stream, become a problem? How do they diagnose this? Does the doctor come into the room and say, “Well, Doug, we’ve received your test results, and I’m afraid I must tell you, “You have what’s called,  A weak stream.” Now, don’t worry, it’s not fatal. We do have a drug to control this.

I told my girlfriends, that this would certainly be a question to ask a man, if you’re considering a mate. “By the way, I need to ask you, Do you have a weak stream? What would you say your ‘rate of flow,’ is?  How would anyone even gauge this? Do guys stand at the urinals and compare. “Hey, did you see that guy in there? What a “weak stream!” Laughing they all point at him when he walks out. The man shrinks down into his seat and hopes the embarrassment will pass. “Yea, and I bet he has a totally naked toilet roll! You can just tell by looking at him.”

Ahhh, Mick Jagger sure had it right, when he sang, “I’m drivin down the road, and a man comes on the radio. With some useless, information, tryin to drive my imagination…., I can’t get no, Satisfaction!”

Some People Can Always Get What They Want

As Mick Jagger sings, And They Also “get what they need.

I just flew with a guy who was on my crew van and he was furiously trying to get ahold of some restaurant as we got to a hotel. He swore it was the best Italian place in Denver. Well he and I had bantered back and forth on the van for quite a while and by the time we arrived the hotel staff thought we had known each other for a long time.

He had been so gregarious that he asked the girl working the front desk if he could use her car to go pick up the food at the place in lieu of him placing an order for her as well. To this she agreed. I couldn’t believe it myself but she did! The guy was joking around with us as well and he wanted me to go along. He said I would simply love this place and he wanted my company. I realized that I really wasn’t that hungry, but for some reason I really liked this guy as witty as he was, so I said I would go along for the ride.

I told him,  I would be ready in about 10 minutes and he waited downstairs.

Sure enough, there he was, keys in hand and although she asked,”are you sure you’re a safe driver?” He answered, “Of course I am! “Well, what else was he going to say at this point? He wanted his food after all.

We drove about 20 minutes to this place which happened to be an, Italian/Mexican, place, which is a little strange, if you ask me. That’s just plain confusing. I mean they’re on two separate parts of the planet for one thing and they speak two completely different languages. It’s like a pizza and a Tostada. Ok, that’s all I’m going to say about that.

On the way there, he was driving like a maniac. Good thing the girl did not see him. At one point he said, “Hey, something smells, weird. It smells like pot! Do you smell that?? “Oh, that’s great,” I said. I can just see that. We get arrested, cause this girl has pot in her glove compartment!” At this point I look at her glove compartment and notice it has a lock on it. “Hey!” He says, “I still don’t even know your name!” “Oh, I don’t know yours either!” We both start cracking up at this point. “Oh my gosh!” I said, I can see this now. The police pull us over and arrest us. We are thrown in jail and they contact the company. How did we come into possession of this car? The girl denies having knowledge of our having this vehicle because she has pot in her glove compartment, she claims it’s been stolen! We are laughing hysterically at this point. So we are now booked on felony charges for this stupid spaghetti.

At any rate, we go into a grocery store to get some soda before going to the Italian/Mexican restaurant and he comments on the unhealthy salad bar. He then turns around to see some cotton candy and is jumping up and down like a five-year old at a carnival! I had to point out his hypocrisy, which he did not want to hear, and of course, he picked the purple bag, which in my mind would have been the most artificial, but probably the bag was healthier than any of it.

We finally picked up the food. Got gas for the girl’s car. Actually paid cash and had to figure out how to do it. It had been 20 years since either one of us had to use cash. He drove like a bat out of hell on the way back and I closed my eyes half the way back.

The girl was relieved when we walked in, you could tell. As he handed her the food and he told her he filled her tank.I was impressed at how he had managed to manipulate all of us so well. I realized he literally go all of us to do his bidding. Because as I found later, the spaghetti really wasn’t that good.

The next morning, as we left the hotel, I got up extra early. I wanted to wash and blow dry my hair. As fate would have it, my blow dryer was not working. This….BLOWS!!!!! sorry Soooo I hung my head over my air vent. No kidding. That’s what I tried to do. It still was wet.

I was laughing when I saw my friend and we were cracking up on the van. Two hours early for what? A wet head and looking like crap? And he was all stressed out because the van still left late and he was in the same situation I was in when I had my last trip. He was watching all the cars and vans passing us on the freeway and he was sweating .

He said, “I should get on that bus that’s passing us. I can walk faster than this van!Now my friend was so upset, that when we were dropped off, he ran off, never to be seen again. We were so close, almost cell mates, and now, I may never see him again. Such is the life of a flight attendant.