Running Through Water

I had another nightmare. I woke up with tears in my eyes. Frantic, heart-pounding. I remembered this so clearly.

The abandonment I felt. Helpless…totally alone.
I walked in through a door. It looked like a bank. A group of people were inside and a man followed me in.
I heard the music. Dark and foreboding. I’ve heard this before. It  seemed to signal impending doom.
I watched the people moving in slow motion. They didn’t seem to notice what I noticed. The man seemed strange, suspicious. I watched his body language and he had nothing to do. Aimless in his actions, yet again, no one seemed to notice, but me.
The man suspiciously moving toward a line, as if to do something, and then he leaves.

All of a sudden, I look up and everyone is walking out in a hurried manner. No on is speaking to me. I am panicking. I’m asking what is happening. No one is speaking. They just have terrified looks on their faces, as they exit the door, and I’m trying to move forward but I feel I’m running in water.No one hears me.

Finally, a woman looks at me and says, “we’re in danger! Leave the building!” I am at once terrified and lost. I cannot get to the exit as everyone is already gone.

I am struck by a feeling of utter abandonment and wonder why I have been left behind. Why is it that I always seem to sound the alarm, yet I am the one that is ignored? Does what I have to say or do really matter? Should I just go with the flow? Stop swimming against the current. I’m getting beaten up constantly.
As I’m running,I am also thinking does anyone know I’m here? I think I’m invisible. I was told in a recent report that I was “moralizing.” Perhaps I should just start becoming more immoral and blending. Then I won’t be left behind.

All of a sudden, the people turn around and start to return. I don’t understand this. The woman says that the danger has passed. Wow,  I guess I’ve dodged another bullet. Perhaps the real danger was outside all along.

I realize as I wake from this nightmare that I have been crying. I have a deep pain inside of me, as I know I never made it to the door and I still wonder if anyone realized this.

I felt this in the bombing I was in a few years ago. I wondered about my life then and if it was important. How many times I’ve relived this moment.
I ran down the streets and alarm gripped me as I thought of my family.

I felt this panic, a few years later, when a man had threatened me. I felt overwhelmed and bullied. Helpless. Time and time again, this has happened. I didn’t know where to turn. I felt I was, running in water.
The feeling of fear, and abandonment coming over me, as I was helpless to get out of my situation. I would call for help and no one could hear me.
A silent scream. And then, as the words even came from this mans mouth to me, “No one cares.”
I’ve heard those words over and over again in my life. I’ve tried not to entertain them in my spirit. But the enemy of my soul, had planted those seeds in my soul as a child, and torments me with them in my dreams.

Now I watch my mother and what she is going through and I wonder at the loneliness inside.
I was so hurt thinking about it and the betrayal involved, when someone asked me, “who is there for you, in all of this?”
I think this is what may be what made me think of my own ‘alone-ness.’
I get so used to taking care of others, that I sometimes forget, there really isn’t anyone for me.
In the end, it’s just me. And I find myself asking the Lord, “Do you see me Lord? Am I here? Do I count?”

Yes, it would nice to have that, ‘soul-mate,’ but it isn’t in the cards for everyone. Even Paul has said that in scripture. A relationship with the Lord has kept me strong when I was ready to fall apart.  I was reminded by a woman on my trip to Israel, that the Lord does not forget our tears.She told me that they have actually done studies and noticed that ‘tears of joy and tears of sorrow,’ have two different chemical properties. I was fascinated by this,. I know this was true with breast milk. I studied this very same thing when I was nursing my children. So many properties, that haven’t yet been determined in the milk and each specifically designed for the baby. Even the premature baby with the fat content for that baby. It amazed me to the point of declaring, “How can someone not believe in a Glorious, Personal Creator?”

As we discussed the tears I thought of the scriptures. The Lord tells us that “He stores up all of our tears in a jar.” He also tells us that one day He will personally, “wipe every tear from our eyes.” This woman told me that in biblical days they had ‘Tear Bottles,’ and they would catch their tears and save them. They considered them so priceless. She had purchased one when she was on her last trip to Israel,and I searched endlessly,but alas, I did not find one. I’m sure the Lord knows mine would have been over flowing by now. But, this is a beautiful picture to me.

Today,, I flew with a girl, that had asked me those questions, and I told her, “I have a hard time because I am more of a care-taker. I guess, I just don’t expect to be taken care of.”
“Yes, she said, but you need some people around you to support you. You have to have someone to hold you up once in a while.”
It was a sweet comment, and I certainly do believe that. I have prayed for that too, but it hasn’t happened. I told her, “It’s not that I want sympathy or anything. I don’t. I have accepted some things in my life.

Then she encouraged me to keep writing. “Your stories are fascinating and you have so much to tell. You really need to write this down. Besides, it’s very cathartic.”
“Well, that’s why I tell the stories,” I told her. “That’s very cathartic, as well. “Just to share them.”
She also told me that the flight attendants would buy every one of my books. So already, I’d be ahead of my flight attendant salary! I laughed.

This is when I must have dredged up all the feelings that I had, of my present troubles, and the new drama unfolding.
The realization, that I am by myself, as I face this battle.  Oh, I know I always have the Lord as my protector and my guide, but there must be a reason for this. If it is to make me strong, well then, who am I to question His purpose in the plan?
All my life I have been asking Him in my deepest solace, “Do you see me, Lord?” So I think that perhaps the meaning is in the Beatitudes”

He does see us, but we shall also see Him.
“Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God, and the pure in heart, shall SEE God!”

In the end, this is my reward. More