I Must Be About My Father’s Business


A father and his daughter

Every day I think of my father and the words which he had spoken to me on our last visit. Sacred words. Only now, do I realize that my heavenly Father is helping me to carry out his final wishes.

With so much care to every detail, I can see how the Lord has orchestrated the events leading to my mother landing in my home. It may not have been pleasant, at first, but it was necessary.

As I look at life, I realize it is just an incredible maze of threads that don’t seem to make any sense at all. Then all at once they seem to tie together. We don’t see the whole picture. It seems to be something terrible happening and yet, the Lord tells us, “All things work together for good to those who love Him.”

When we place our trust in Him, and let Him guide us through the rough seas, we can find in the end, there is hope. And incredibly, I was able to remember, the promise made to my father.

“Give my love to your mother.” In this way, every day, I see that I am carrying his love forward to her. It is God’s way of providing for her as my father was not able to.

Just the other day, I was talking to her and telling her what a wonderful mother she has been. “Oh, I had to do those things.” She said. “No, you didn’t.” I said. “Some mother’s don’t care about those things at all. So I just want to tell you that I love you for being there for us. When you went through so much, you were so strong and you put us first. You tried not to hurt us, even though you were hurting.” All of a sudden, I felt her little hand on my arm, as I began to cry. For my mother, this small gesture, is huge. “Well, I love my kids.” She said.

We began talking about all the things her grandmother taught her. She loved her grandmother. I always wished I would have known her. “Yea, your grandmother would say, “don’t you worry about those people gossiping about you. If they’re talking about you, that just means, they’re leaving some other poor person alone!”

Who couldn’t love someone spouting wise words like that all the time? Man, I think I’d love hanging out with her. She sound’s like some kind of Virginia Woolf character. I think about her quote; “Use words to soak up life!”

Yes, words are creative power. The Lord told us they have the power to bless or curse. He created us in His image and we know that He created heaven and earth by the spoken word. This is why we should start the day with His Word.

If we don’t, we have all kinds of negative words coming at us, from every direction. The enemy loves, to turn the tables. Whatever problem he has, he makes it our problem. This is why we walk and talk in the word.

“I have hid your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”

But the most important lesson is that we must, “be about our Father’s business.” We have no time to be distracted. The harvest fields are ready and we need to pray for the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers. The time is short…very short.

My earthly father gave me specific instructions before he left and I was to fulfill his wishes. If you listen to the Spirit, you know that all things natural speak of the spiritual. So, you will know what the Spirit is saying.

So stop fighting and speaking words of division. Bless each other and bring peace and unity. Put your hands to the plow, break up the fallow ground, so that seed can be planted in the hardest of hearts. This is what our Father wants. “The hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse. (Malachi 4:6)

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No Child Left Behind….


I was so sad to hear about the suicide of another person yesterday. Russell Armstrong, a Hollywood celebrity. Yet there are so many others, which receive little or no attention.

My eyes  immediately drawn,  to the sweet, little girl who seemed to be gazing out of the television at me. Her eyes, so full of life and promise. Her daddy and mommy at her side. A total secure package.  Oh, the pain that is in store for her. I could only think. Her life will probably be full of more pain than she can imagine, or even begin to understand. She will probably not make the connection to this, single violent act.

Without a constant attention to her spirit, she will probably take the blame in some way. Feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem, which attach themselves to children of suicide. I can’t even imagine, if there have been any studies, in this area. Yet, I’m quite sure, that I am not the only one who has had to struggle most of my life as a result.

Picture after picture, I have in my mind, of these children. Yes, I have gone to many funerals, of friends, who have died in this way. I always look at their children. The pain in their faces. I can see it, when others cannot. They think they are hiding, but the stoic looks, only make it more convincing. The act is only holding up long enough until the cracks begin to show.

I have a picture of my friend’s son. There he was, wearing his father’s baseball cap. Long hair. He looked just like his father. My friend had shot himself. Now, we are all together at the wake.  All the adults, moving around his son, like shadows. I know how he felt. Invisible. The  thoughts in his head as he heard people comment, “Oh, he looks just like his father!” “Well, that’s great. My dad left, and all I got was a baseball cap!” Yes, I’m sure, he has grief, but he has a lot of anger. I’m sure he wishes people would stop comparing him to his father, right now. He’s angry that his father has abandoned him. He’s thinking, “If I had a son, I sure wouldnt’ do to him, what my father did to me!”

And it isn’t just someone who has committed the act. I believe just being in a home long enough, with the threats of a suicidal person, is a powerful tool, in the destruction of a child’s psyche.

My mother reminded me of something as we were discussing this. “Yes, remember when I had to call the police when your father and I were together, because he had a noose, he made with a cord, in the basement. He said he was going to kill himself?” “Yes, I do remember that.” I said. Yet, I must have been only about 5 years old.

I also remembered an argument they were having, and my father included me. “Oh, don’t be so stupid,” my mother said. “Suicide means to kill yourself!” “No, it doesn’t, does it?” Then he looked at me to give an answer. Of course he was completely drunk, as he usually was.

She said, “Remember when he locked me out of the house and he wouldn’t allow you kids to let me in?” “Yes, I remember that as well,” I said. These are vivid memories, I have. If you think your children don’t recall events, and they aren’t watching, you are wrong. The see and feel much more than you can imagine. To watch at the door, and cry, as my father locked my mother out of my house. He screamed at us, to leave her out on the porch, or we would be beaten. Yet, I was the oldest, and I’m not sure how much my siblings remember, of these events.

Their fighting escalated until they eventually split. That’s why, I knew his suicidal tendencies, had never really left him. He had just taken them to someone else’s home. He made sure to share the burden with me though.

And now, I think, what a devastation this is to our society. To do this to our children. What about “No Child Left Behind” How about these children? Does anyone ever try to deal with this great epidemic? We have therapy for the rest of our lives, to deal with the craziness, we have inherited. I’ve always said it; people go to therapists to learn how to cope with the crazy people, who refuse to go!

Then I started to realize, after reading a blog; http://father2daughter.com/2011/08/15/ Yes, I believe the lack of my father’s influence in my life has been a pivotal role in choices I’ve made. But more importantly, I believe the short amount of time he did spend in my life was so critical to my development, that either for  in a positive or a negative way, his behaviors, shaped my life.

My father and mother divorced, when I was only five, but the rest of my life, I can look back until he left, and see, that I did, indeed, choose men like him. I did seek approval and would swing from one extreme to another in my life. I had a wan ed  love and remained in relationships, even while being abused. How did I know what love was? I had only seen it between my mother and father. And that is what I witnessed.

I would become cold and detached. Without a desire to allow anyone too close, for fear of rejection. At times, using men, as though they could be discarded. This was an easy way out. No one could hurt me.  At one moment, the obedient child, and the next, full of rebellion. Testing everyone’s limits. How much can you take? What will it take to drive you out of my life? Then, when it finally happens, that’s all the proof that I need. You’re just like my father. You didn’t really love me, anyway.

I always thought I would never let anyone treat me the way my father treated my mother. But in one form or another….I did. When I look back and see that my ex-husband also, threatened suicide many times, and I was heartbroken to see my daughter’s fear in her eyes. I was sad to think, I allowed this. He was so convinced that I gave him his identity, that he would use this against me. When we had been  married, he was outside of our marriage, and when I wanted out, he couldn’t be more in. He would manipulate me, with threats of suicide,  in the same way that my father did to my mother. But then, why wouldn’t he? I picked him for this reason, didn’t I?

Yes, I am starting to realize, that unless this pattern is  broken somewhere and we see the damage left behind, by this selfish act, we will continue to hurt our children. And they will hurt their’s. We will pass this  down, one generation to another.

I have heard those lies spoken in my head. That you cannot break free. You are your parents. But I know this isn’t true. Jesus Christ has told me, I am a new creation. He’s shown me that the past can be changed. “recreated, if you will.” I am not a product of my past. I do not have to be held hostage to this curse.

I feel such compassion for these children and adults, who have lost their parents to such an act. It is something we cannot comprehend. On one hand, we feel rage at their selfishness, and on the other, we have such grief at the tremendous despair, they must have felt. But I think the one feeling, all of us deal with, which is the most difficult , is guilt. Oh, I know. It is not ours to carry. Yet, whether as an adult, or as a child, we all feel, if there was just  something we could have done or said, we could have prevented this. Or perhaps it was something we did. It doesn’t matter. We will find a way to carry this load.

Th is where the Lord came in to my life to remind me it is His burden. If I would only let Him carry this. He is the only one who can. Yes, I find myself taking it back, many times, only to have the Lord speak to me through some kind soul.  I have found that in my deepest grief, when I cry out to the Father, He reminds me over and over again, He is the Father to the fatherless.

It is not to say both mother and daughter are not equally important, but the Lord has shown me that He placed the Father as the head of the household, to be an example. And we have all been broken because of the absence of his presence.

No matter the reason, divorce or death; every child needs a Father’s love. It is imperative for healthy development. And it is the gift we can keep on giving.

I called my ex-husband and told him, that no matter what has happened, our children love him unconditionally. I reminded him that I have been so hurt my whole life, as a result of the loss of my own father. And he can change things for his children. He still has time to change the course of events. He thanked me and I believe he understands. Our mistakes, are not their mistakes. To them, we are their parents, and they love us in spite of ourselves.

Now I am praying that I can use my pain and touch the lives of so many others. I know His promises. He has told me that “by His stripes I AM healed.”  It is not ‘past tense.’ He is a “very present help in our time of trouble.”  So I refuse to allow the darkness to surround me. I am fighting against it. I have the sword of truth, and I will strike down every lie.

Just today the two repair men came by. Well, there really two angels, disguised as repairmen. They reminded me that I am a daughter of the King of all Kings, and I cannot entertain the lies of the enemy. They said, “don’t let him steal your joy and every good thing that the Lord has planned for you.”

Once again, the Lord sends His messengers, to lift me up. I realized, that although my earthly father is gone, my heavenly Father’s hand is always holding me.

“And in the end, I will send  the prophet Elijah, before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.” Malachi 4:5

A Father’s Love


A father and his daughterThe innocence of youth

 

I have been thinking of my father. It happens every year at about this time. I know his birthday is coming, (September 30) and I become depressed.  I know it’s something I feel. A darkness shrouding me. I start getting depressed, and I beg the Lord to help me out. My father died in April of 88 and my brother died a year later. It was too much to bear. I started working for my company, a year after the death of my brother. The fall, which normally is my favorite time of the year, became something I dread. It is a symbol of death. The leaves on the trees, which are beautiful, as they are turning, are now a picture of gloom.

I was in a ‘holding pattern,’ for a long time, as a result of this. I went into a training center, which became another picture of depression. But yet, the Lord, allowed all of this. Perhaps it was to protect me, from myself. He knew, that I was suffering. Had it not been for my roommates, and the fact that I had just returned to the Lord, I would have withered away. I felt desperate and alone. I used my humor and the friendships, I had developed in training, to keep me grounded.

My father had asked me, “to give his love to my mother.” I believe I am doing this every day. But he didn’t realize how difficult all of this would be. To leave in such a manner, and to wrestle my mother, on every little bit of her loss of independence. She refuses the help she needs, and I’m growing weary from the constant complaints. She believes she can “take care of herself.” I know she can’t.

My father left, because he couldn’t handle the depths of despair, which he felt he lived with. Caused by his drinking, and his own company. I understand, the anger, he felt. I’ve experienced this myself. There’s no justice and no way to understand, without the Lord. Life isn’t fair. That’s just a truth, I’ve accepted. It is for those who can afford it.

Now, I debate, what to do for my mother. What is best for her? Do I try to give her what she so desires, or ignore her pleading, as many say, and keep her with me. I know it is just going to become more difficult. I long for my father’s advice. What did he mean, “Give my love to your mother?” What would he do?

I know my father was totally dysfunctional, as all of us are. Some of us just don’t admit it. I know my faults and loved him, in spite of his own. The Lord reminds me that, “although your father loves you, he is imperfect, but I am the perfect father.”

I will be 54, in October. The same age my father was when he died. Even my birthday, is a thing of sadness. So many times, as a child, waiting for my father to show up. Left me on a porch all alone. My mother, slapped me in the face, once, as I came in to the table and sat down, crying. I was exasperated that my father, failed to show up, once again. And she was angry, that I was crying for my father. I told her I still loved him. And she became angry. Her own feelings of contempt, taken out on me. She does the same thing to me now. But, just as my father was not in his right mind, I accept this with my mother, as well. Yet, it still hurts. I feel the darkness sweeping over me.The memory of me standing right in front of him, begging him to “hang on.”  Yet, my cries went unheeded.

Now, I feel a need to run to my heavenly Father. “Help me Lord. Help me to do what is right for everyone. I don’t want to live according to my will, my ways. I want to see on the other side of this, darkness. The light of His love, and His grace.

As, I wait on the Lord, I’m asking that He turns this time of the year into a thing of beauty for me. To remind me that, after the death of all the creation, comes resurrection! The spring brings new life! I want to stay focused on this, as I enter into this season. A new beginning.

Thank you Father, for sending your son, Jesus Christ, to remind us all…this is not the end.

Our Father’s Love


A father and his daughter

I love my dad. He’s been gone for years now, but my love is just as strong, perhaps stronger now than ever. I’ve grown to appreciate him in spite of all of his flaws.

I dream of the day when I will see him again, and tell him how much I love him. I regret that I had not told him enough.

Yet, a father’s heart toward his children is always love. Even though a father may not express it in ways we see nor understand, it is there. He knows we are his own seed and how can he deny himself?

I have a book that has spoken to me over the years in many ways. It has become especially dear to my heart, as I know that my heavenly Father loves me in a much deeper more profound way, than my earthly father ever could. He knows every secret thought and wound I have. He even understands my own faults and the heart breaks that have caused me to ‘act out’ as a rebellious child.

When I read the passages from this book, From the Fathers Heart, by Charles Slagle, I hear His words of comfort and love to me.

I have always loved to read the Bible. His word. But He reaches us in many other ways. If you open your eyes, you will see your Father reaching down from heaven to speak to you. Listen, and you will hear him.

Today he spoke to me from this book;

Let Me Vindicate  Luke6:27-30

Pressured Peacemaker,

Let me vindicate you.Allow me to be the Lord you have confessed Me to be. Stop worrying about your brother’s opinion and go on doing what I have called you to do.

You have sought to gain the understanding of one who has much to learn before any of your words can even begin to make sense to his mind. You have tried to win his heart. Well done. You have tried-earnestly tried-and I have seen it and I AM pleased. Now will you leave the results to Me?

Cease all self-castigations, all self-justifications and all your rationalizations now. Henceforth I will do the correcting, the defending, the explaining. And you? You will be happy again. And I do think it’s time you were….

Truly!                                                                                                                                          Dad