Welcome to my video blog


 

Advertisements

Video

Evesdropping on Mom


Getting a pedicure Getting a pedicure[/caption

Every day brings a new revelation with my mom. I took her to her doctor to find out why she’s losing weight. I have had two blood tests, and now another one.
Next week she will get a CT scan. Nothing seems to stay in her system. She can only eat very small portions of food, and she doesn’t drink enough.
I leave a cup of juice at all times and snacks for her, but she doesn’t touch it unless I tell her. I’m careful not to push her too much, as she will then eat more than she can hold in her little tummy.
I’m a t a loss. Even making her milk shakes with Ensure, is too dense for her. She drinks a couple sips, and she’s full.
The only time I’ve ever seen her this small was when I was very young and she’d had a nervous breakdown. She lost so much weight and at that time, she was only 86 pounds.

She’s not depressed, nor does she feel sick. Unless she overeats. But I’m constantly trying to find new ways to help her.
She has now accepted the fact that she cannot move back to Wisconsin until she gets the weight back on and her blood pressure stable. At least this is what I’ve told her, and she feels she needs an excuse for her not being able to return.
Every season she says, “Oh, I’d move back but there’s too much snow!” Or, “I’d move back but it’s getting too hot now!” I’m prepared now, for what her excuse will be. I once called her bluff when she was fighting with me about her move back. “Go ahead,” I said. I waited and she was so perplexed that I wasn’t saying no, to her. She sat for a minute and said, “Well I can’t yet. It’s too cold.”
“Ok,” I said. “Tell me when you want to go, and I’ll help you.” I realized I had crossed over to the right side. No more pushing or pulling the weight. I just went along with it, and I could see this was all she wanted.

Yesterday she was sitting and watching her show, when out of the blue she said, Oh Carrie is up in Milwaukee. When I move there, I’ll call her and she’ll help me.”
I got that familiar stab in my heart, that I felt, the first time I realized she doesn’t know that I’m her daughter, Carrie.
I felt tears fill my eyes, as I tried to look away and asked her, “Have you heard from Carrie?” She said, “No, but she’s very busy.”
This hurt me. I can’t imagine a son or daughter not communicating for as long, as she thinks Carrie hasn’t called her.
“Then how do you know she’s in Milwaukee?” I ask. “Oh, I know. Her brother, Craig keeps in touch with her.”
I said, “I’m sure she loves you very much, even though you haven’t heard from her.”
“Oh, of course she does!” She says. Very proud and smiling as she seems to speak something that is a known fact.
“She’s off work right now.”
This is where I’m confused in my understanding of this disease. How does she connect the thought that I am, indeed off work, to care for her, and yet she doesn’t understand that I am the person she speaks of?
I long to help her understand that her daughter loves her and I feel a need to convince her that, her daughter wants to talk to her.
“Carrie loves her brother Kevin so much! She always listens to him when he talks and does so much for him.”
Here again, I’m totally perplexed. As my brother Kevin lives here too.
“She has a very big heart!” She says.

Now I’m finding this difficult. I’m stuck between my wish to let her know how special she is to, Carrie, and not brag about myself.
“She sounds like she does. She’s a Christian isn’t she?”
“Oh, yes! She always talks about God!”
“Well, then I’m sure that when she thinks of you, she is praying for you because she loves you so much.”
“I’m sure she is!
I tell her that Carrie sounds as if she kind of managed problems in the family and she agrees. She told me, she called on Carrie when there was a problem. She then said, “She’s so sweet and loving.”
I don’t think she’s ever said that to me.
I tell her that when I talk to Craig, I will make sure he tells Carrie to call her.
“Oh, yes, that would be great! I miss her!”

Now, I leave the room because I’m beginning to cry. My sweet mom, now accepts the fact that her children love her so much, yet this, Carrie cannot even call her mom?
Oh, I’m so mad at myself! What is wrong with me?
I called my son downstairs and shared this conversation.
I said, “It looks as if I’m going to have to make a phone call to grandma. Knowing that she has this respect for, ‘Carrie’s advice, I may be able to take advantage of this.
He reminded me of his call, pretending that he was her doctor and said, “Yes, she will love that. She won’t even know.”
The best part is that she will experience the joy of the love from her real daughter, instead of the imposter living with her now!
I must admit, it is humorous when I think about the whole thing.
Most people pretend to be something they’re not in this life.
I am faced with this peculiar task of pretending that I’m me! Hope I can pull this off!

Dr Jesus Please Heal Me


Today was a hard day. They begin to blend together. One heartache after another. I find myself going off to cry quietly.
Because the flu is going around, it’s easy to pretend I have a touch of something.
My son is home educated, so I don’t have the benefit of hiding.

I’ve had sadness with my daughter. She seems like she’s slipping away from me. I feel as if I’m holding on by a thread.
I committed to pray for my children, and her especially. I told the Lord each morning as I ran on my treadmill, I would commit myself to fervent prayer.
Asking Him to “bring my daughter back from captivity. To do “whatever it takes.” Knowing perfectly well, that God hears me, and I probably won’t like the suffering involved. But I also know it’s my love for her and my responsibility for her soul, that causes me to plead with Him.

I received a sign from Him. Her life is beginning to unravel, and I ended up going to the doctor. I sprained my ankle. Yes, that’s right, on the treadmill.
Never remembering how I twisted it or turned it. I was in pain. I realized that I had been running so hard and pushing myself physically, but also spiritually.
Crying out in anguish and now my ankle is a constant reminder of her. My little girl.

Dealing with my mother is difficult as well. I received a call from the senior facility to ask me if she was going to be coming. They said that they have a spot for her but she would lose it if she doesn’t come.
She went twice, and then adamantly refused to go any more.
I was trying to brainstorm with the administrator, when I remembered how she had responded to her doctor after refusing to take her medication. I told her that I had the idea to tell him, “if he would tell her to take them, she would listen.”
It worked like a charm. He simply looked at her and said, “Honey, listen. You have to take your medicine for me, okay?” She looked at him and said, “Okay, until I go back to Wisconsin, I will.”
The doctor and I both looked at each other and smiled.

When I told the woman this, she said, “Maybe you should try that and have some male pretend to be  her doctor or something.” I said, “Yes, I think I can come up with something.”
I went to my son, and asked him to be the doctor. He was going to have a script which I would make for him and he would call my phone. I would give the phone to her and take it from there.
As I handed him the script, I had to make a few corrections-“oh, have to change that,” I said. It said, “Your daughter,” and she no longer recognizes that I’m her daughter.

I told her that her doctor had called and he would be calling back. “What is it about?” She asked. “Oh, I don’t know. He said he had something to speak with you about. “Oh, I hope I don’t have to go and see him,” she said.
As my son was coming down the stairs with his script and his phone he said, “Oh, I should get time for this under ‘Extra Curricular Activity, called conning the elderly!” At this I started laughing and could barely contain myself as I listened to him calling my phone.

Because I was in the threshold, I could hear his voice in the living room and on my phone. I really had to work hard to suppress a laugh, as I handed the phone to my mom. I looked and also noticed his picture coming up on the phone so, I carefully handed it to her. She had a hard time holding “these new phones,” anyway, so I stuck it up to her ear. “It’s your doctor,” I said.
“Oh!” She sounded excited. As I listened to him carefully reciting the words, I couldn’t help but think how ingenious this seemed. I even put references about her move to Wisconsin.”
“Yes, I noticed that your blood pressure is pretty high, on the tests I have.” The doctor said. “I understand you are planning to move back to Wisconsin and before you do this, we need a plan to get you healthy. I am authorizing one day a week at a center for you to speak with a nutritionist and get some exercise.”
I heard her say, “Oh yes, but I can’t move back yet. I have to wait until it’s warm.”
Now in a normal conversation, Dr. so-and-so would respond to that. But my son, not willing to deviate from the script, continued as if he was an automated phone message.
It did surprise me, however, to know that she really doesn’t want to go as much as she pretends.
At the end of the message he asked to speak to me. As I took the phone I continued on as if he was giving me more instructions. My son just making sounds once in a while.
After I hung up, my mom said, “I like that doctor. He’s so nice!”
I told her that this would be a day available to her to give her the physical and nutritional help to get her strong.
She was actually excited about this.
I called the administrator back and told her what we did. She laughed so hard and said, “And the Academy Award goes to….”

Later, as I was speaking about my grief at the situation with my daughter, my mother said, “It has to be so hard. You love her so much. She’s your daughter. I think that would be so hard, if I had to deal with that with my daughter.”
“Yes,” I thought. It would be hard. But the fortunate thing is that, she has dealt with many heartaches, including these with her daughter. She just doesn’t know it.
She looked so sweet again, as she said, “It will be okay. She’s a good girl.” I remembered her saying that all my life. Every time there was a crisis.”It will be okay.”

I thought of my daughter when she was young. She started getting warts on her feet. My stepson had them on his hands and they are very contagious. When he showed her the surgery he had to remove them, she was terrified.
I made a comment that, “I’ll have to take her to the doctor.” When she heard this she screamed. “No! Please mommy! I want Dr. Jesus to heal them!” She was crying at the thought of someone cutting her. She was so young. About 4 or 5. I felt so convicted at her words.
“Wow,” I thought. I haven’t even prayed about this. So I asked her if she really believed He could heal her. “Yes,” she said. “Okay, we’re going to pray.”
I put some oil on her feet as I prayed along with her.
The very next day, I noticed a miraculous thing, which had me rubbing my own eyes in bewilderment. It looked like little chalk specks on her feet. Every place which had a wart, or one just starting, just turned to powder. I began touching those little feet, and saw them drop off! I was amazed. But I remembered the Lord’s words, that “it is your faith which make you whole.”
My pastor commented, “If she has this kind of faith now, can you imagine what she’ll be like when she’s older?”

I keep standing on His promises for her life. I now feel the incredible pain which the Prodigal Father had felt, when his son went out of his home into darkness.
The hurt and concern attached to his well-being. I’m praying that I will also experience the joy of restoration.
With every painful step I take, I pray, Dr. Jesus please heal us!

Give Me Your “Throwaway’s”


As I was speaking about my brother to someone one day, he said, “Well you know most people consider people like him, as “a throwaway.” This infuriated me. The mere thought, that he could be referred to in this manner. Yet, I know, that it is true. Once, these beautiful souls become, “Wards of the State,” you cannot imagine the horror’s that await them.

The elderly, the orphans, and the mentally challenged. All require protection and the exploitation, which is taking place is unimaginable. And it’s only detected by someone with a watchful eye. But someone with a heart of compassion. Not too many, I have sadly found, have this heart.

But, in the end, I am happy to take the “throwaway.’s. I’m just making sure that what belongs to them is returned, so they receive the care that they deserve.

One thing that these greedy people have never taken into account, in their schemes, is there is a supreme God, and that He is the one who holds all things in account. He has His people on this earth, working out His plans. He has people filled with His spirit. We see things which the average person does not see.

This is why He tells us that His plans are not worked out through “Might,nor power, but by His Spirit.” No man can put a stop to what He is doing. It has already been accomplished.

As frustrated as I become, at times, I must remind my own mind of this. That, “His kingdom, shall come, and His will , shall be done, on this earth, as it is in heaven.” My job is to just be obedient to His plan. As much as I hurt inside at the pain, I know the outcome.

I also know that His suffering was great and if He was, “a man of sorrows,” I am the bride of Christ, so I would also be “filled with suffering.”

But one day, “He will wipe every tear from my eyes.” All I can say is, He is going to need a huge Kleenex for this, because I’m filled with tears. Some nights, I lie in my bed and almost can’t wait, to close the door, to be alone, just to cry. I hurt for so many others. It’s not for myself. It’s the pain of my brother,my mother, my daughter, my father. Everything, that hurts comes pouring out like a river, and I feel as if I’m walking with a fire inside of me.

I truly understand the meaning of our seeing the Lord face to face, when He utters the words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant, enter into your rest.” I don’t know that feeling until that day.

But, my feeling of compassion for the hurting in this world is so strong.I see them, crushed by the system. And one day it is coming to an end. Babylon will fall.

Now I was reading about her demise this morning. She is a picture of greed and adultery. All the merchants of the earth and the powerful people, who had refused to let go of their associations with her. The Lord issues warnings to all, to “come out of her.” I have been instrumental in being part of this warning to agencies as well.”

There are government agencies which have become corrupted, which we have seen. They have exploited God’s people, and taken that, which does not belong to them. Now the Lord is issuing His call. “Come out of her my people so that you will not share in her sins, so that you will not receive any of her plagues; for her sins are piled up to heaven.

and God remembered her crimes.

Give back to her as she has given; pay her back double for what she has done. Mix her a double portion from her own cup. Give her as much torture and grief as the glory and luxury she gave herself.

In her heart she boasts, “I sit as a queen; I am not a widow, and I will never mourn. Therefor in one day her plagues will overtake her; death, mourning and famine. She will be consumed by fire, for might is the Lord God who judges her.”

Now, if you continue to read, you will see, that this is the beginning of fallout for this great nation and I am seeing this with my own eyes. There are some out there who happen to know exactly how this is playing out. We all have the playbook. It’s in His Word.

The little things which people skipped over in scripture are sometimes the most important. When the Lord was being challenged about taxes, for example; He held a coin before the Pharisees and uttered the simple words, “Render unto Cesar, that which is Cesar’s, and unto God, that which is God’s.”

For some people, they have robbed both God, and Cesar, and this is where, the Lord, is the most angry. But when they, rob, and refer to these priceless souls as discards, this is deplorable.

I’m not sure if it’s the reason I’ve always loved shopping thrift stores. But, I love to find the ‘one of a kind,’ item. This is what I see with my ‘throwaways.’ The one that is unique. No one else noticed how priceless this one is, but I did.

Yes, the coal, under so much pressure, to produce this priceless diamond. And now I can see the different facets and the light of beauty created by this intense heat and pressure.

I don’t want what everyone has. I want what cast off. What you deem as useless. I want to see what the Lord can do, so that I can say, He did this. So that I can’t boast, but that the glory of the Lord can shine through that vessel.

I’m In Contempt


and so many other things

I just couldn’t handle it today. I was supposed to have my Guardian Report in month’s ago. But I thought it was by December,because that’s when I did it last year. Because, I was late last year too.

But this year, I picked up my mom up in July. I returned to training, in June. And she was calling me to come and get her in a frantic voice, on my very first trip back. I was so upset, and I couldn’t sleep. I remember being so worried, and I had to tell her, that although, I was going to wait until the next month, I would get her in between trips.

So, needless to say, I was certainly not thinking about a report, that needed to be filed.Now, I had more responsibilities, with her care. My brother,was really easy, compared to the things she needed.

But now, I received a paper from the court, stating that if I didn’t get this report filed I would be “in contempt.”

I had all my trips, back and forth, to New York. I did this last year, so thinking it is not a big deal, I’ll just find some time to finish before the 3 days alloted me for the hearing.

Not so easy. My trip gets messed up with weather.Then I make a crazy flight home in a whirlwind flight with a girl who can run like the wind. I laugh at how she makes the impossible seemingly possible, and now this will be a done deal.

I get home on the 2, and the hearing is on December 6th. I get up early. Get my brother off to school. Praying that my mother rests just a little bit longer. I get on the computer and try to pull up those reports, only to remember that I did a system restore. Oh, yes I did. I wiped out all that information. Everything gone. All that stuff that was so easy, is a difficult task.

And now, I called my attorney’s office,only to be told that it can’t be 3 day’s to the hearing. I think, this can’t be true. So I personally go to the courthouse and speak to the deputy. She tells me, to speak to the secretary.

I speak to her and she says, “Of course, just fax me your info and we’ll give you an extension.” “Yes, that’s great, because I’m leaving on a trip.” I tell her.

Besides the fact that I must take my brother in to have an evaluation with a doctor. (As if anything is going to change) And my attorney needs to sign the documents.

I have all kinds of things going on. I celebrate Christmas and Chanukkah and I realize that my attorney is Jewish.

I go type up the written request and fax it. Today my attorney calls to ask whether I’ve heard anything. “No.” I tell him. “Well, we have to show, or you’ll be in contempt.” he tells me. “Well, then I’ll be in contempt. They told me they’d give me an extension, if I send a written request. This is ridiculous. It’s a matter of paperwork!” 

I was talking to my girlfriend after being so overwhelmed to the point of almost crying today. I said, “I’m so sick of all this. I snapped at my mom. I’m probably going to go to jail for not having my report in for my brother,while all the criminals are getting away with murder!” We started laughing. She said, “Yea, did you hear about that woman today, that was arrested for having $200 worth of overdue library books?” “Oh,that will be me!” I told her!

Definitely no good deed goes unpunished! My attorney finally told me to fax him the request and we’ll see what happens.Isaid to him, “Hey it’s Chanukah, what are you doing at the office, anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be at home celebrating?” “I’m putting out fires, here.” He said. “Hmm, Good point.” lol

 I guess I am rather contemptuous,at that. Ask people who know me. I’m always flying by the seat of my pants.Perhaps it is the reason, I am a flight attendant. And a contemptuous one, at that. So if I end up in prison, I’m sure, I won’t be on Santa’s nice, list, but, please send me some cookies….oh, and don’t forget to look out for my family!!!!

p in prison, please send me some cookies, and take care of my family!!!!