Grandma and the Saggy Pants Bandit

You can run but you can't hide!

You can run but you can't hide!

Today I had to get my car fixed and as always there was a character in the waiting room. The woman was talking from the minute she walked in. Not really caring whether any one was listening.

I noticed that she was missing most of her teeth and that she had her left hand bandaged with the two middle fingers bandaged together. I didn’t want to encourage her too much by asking and assumed she would tell me in short order anyway, so I listened as she continued.

The tv was on and a plane had crashed into a house. The expletives were flying out of her mouth faster than that plane had gone down and I was shocked, as she looked like she could have been someones grandma. In fact she told me that she felt the boy liked her because she reminded him of his own grandmother. Hmmm, hard to imagine how he treated his grandma since he was holding a gun to this woman and later hurt her by shoving her.

She started telling us about the conversation she’d had with him. “I was sitting outside on a bucket reading a newspaper when I saw him walking up. He had on some pants that were rubbing together. Swish, swish, swish. You know like the sound of that material a raincoat makes, when it rubs together.” Yes, I told her, that’s why he’s called the saggy pants bandit.” “Oh, really? Where do they call him that? On the news?” “Yes,” I told her. He’s been on all the time. “I know, he hit 28 stores already!”

Next she proceeds to tell me and another woman that just joined us, “he wasn’t black like they said. I looked at his eyes and they were strange. It was white around them and he had a mask on. he looked almost oriental. But when I looked at him he was wearing some cheap dollar store glasses and they were caught on his glasses, so I told him he needed to fix it. I told him his eye looked a little weird and I said, “what’s the matter with your eye?”

At this I started laughing so hard. I couldn’t picture grandma trying to fix his mask for him and trying to figure out what was wrong with his eyes. Perhaps he had black makeup on and missed his eye area. Then she said, “and he talked real weird too. Like real high. Almost like a girl.” Well, I couldn’t resist. “I figured it out!” I said. It’s Michael Jackson! The other woman fell out laughing! Yea, that’s true and he’s white now too!

Of course grandma was already moving on to the next detail of the case, because she had become a self proclaimed detective. She told us that she now scouts out all of the local 7/11’s and tells everyone what to look for, including the police officer’s that are parked nearby. She better be careful, they may get suspicious that they’re working in tandem.

She told me that when they were inside the store he shoved her and she bumped into a counter. She said she kept whining about the pain in her fingers as he held the gun to her. “He kept staring at my fingers as if he was really concerned. That was funny. Then he looked at the other two people he had on the ground and said, “she’ll live.”

Ok, this whole scene sounds pretty surreal. She said he told her to get on the ground and then forgot that he needed someone to get up to open the register. Hmmm, this guy really isn’t bright. After all she told him they only had about $30 and he’s still willing to go through all of this? No wonder he has to wear such a cheap get-up to rob places. Who can afford anything elaborate when you only get a few bucks? Hey buddy, go to the party store and get the Blues Brother’s costume that I got for my son. (Earlier Post) At least you’ll get an upgrade and as I stated in my post, he looked more like a rabbi, so you may be able to take collections on your way out the door as well!

So, he got a total of $28 and the woman got a whole lot of excitement as she regaled us with the tale. She was thrilled that she made the news and I certainly did remember seeing her. She is pushed and you can hear her say, “ouch, my hand!”

She didn’t get her 15 minutes yet, but if she keeps hanging out at these places, I’m sure she will be the one to single handedly bring him in. Then I can say, “hey, I knew that woman when she was just a nobody!”