Pure Grace


I have been waking up for nights on end. The voice of my father, whispering to me. Crying out in anguish at his unrest. I had made the final discovery at all that has been done to desecrate his wishes and his desire for me to right these wrongs.

He knows me, more than anyone, and this is why I believe, it fell upon my shoulders to make this right. Yet, he also knew, my immediate response would be anger. My brother, describes me as, “the pit bull.” I was born under, the symbol of the scales. Yes, justice is what seems right, but I also know that, it isn’t always in balance, without mercy.

If that was the case, there wouldn’t be a prison large enough, for mankind, as we all would be guilty as charged. Didn’t we all have a hand in the crucifixion?

To Be Forgiven

I sometimes find myself envious of those with no heart at all, as they are oblivious to the things which disturb me. I cannot turn off my feelings and at night, I hear the spirit world come alive. The crying of my father is unbearable to me. The pain which has been caused as a result of all of this.

About two years ago, I felt something happening which caused my feelings of hurt for him, to be resurrected. I didn’t quite understand it. I pulled out his Will. My girlfriend had come over to help me sift through documents. I said, “I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel he’s trying to tell me something.” Although he had been gone for quite some time, I felt as if I had just lost him. Something very unsettled in my spirit. I felt myself grieving in my spirit.

She certainly saw that his wife was unscrupulous, from the documents and as evil as one could be, but I couldn’t possible know what it was at that time. I just felt something in my spirit. And it seemed I was grieving his loss, and he wanted me to know something which had been hidden. Something unfinished. Something which needed closure.

Last week I found out. It was right in front of me all along. But it seemed the Lord had not wanted me to know until it’s proper time. Because He knows I would more likely have had a breakdown right then and there, or just been ready to go to the highest court in the land. Which wouldn’t do any good anyway.

No, because, when the highest court is corrupt, what can man do? My father’s blood is crying out for justice. He wants rest for his soul, and he has been deprived, and because of this, I have also been deprived of this rest. No man can understand this, unless they have experienced this very personal experience. To lie awake at night and listen to the painful whispers of a loved one asking for simple wishes fulfilled, so that they can sleep.

But I knelt before my Lord, after being told, “this is impossible,” by someone to remedy this situation.And He reminded me, “what things are impossible with man, are possible with God. You are going about this the wrong way. Nothing can be accomplished with a heart full of anger. Did I not speak to you that I will not move, “by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit?  So anger is not the answer. For this was not the heart of your father, nor is it the heart of your heavenly Father. If you want the answer, look at the attributes of the Holy Spirit. ” Well, I know the answer will always be found first in love. And this is a difficult lesson in the midst of my own pain. But it is in the measure which will be returned as it is given.

The Lord sends his ministering angels, nonetheless, as a friend came knocking at my door, in the throes of my pain, to bring me a shirt, she had purchased. It was almost a matter of urgency. I felt it was the Lord, sending someone to check on me, as I was in such crisis upon my discovery. Feeling such despair and there was my friend with her son. An emergency call from heaven. A lifeline that I needed when I was sinking.

A few days later the Lord began to remind me, that it was my father and mother who taught you the meaning of grace. An your brother did when he lay on his death bed. And I thought of my sweet, angelic brother, Chris. As he lay, dying of Aids, I never forget his words to me. I was so full of anger toward the person who had taken advantage of his childlike innocence. “I’m not mad at him,” he said.

After I accepted Christ, I understood, how Christ-like, those words, were. A lesson in true grace. Yes, if we were all held accountable for our deeds, we would be executed. I know.

My Heavenly Father tells me that there is nothing man has done, which cannot be fixed. And Christ already made the way. He has removed the obstacles and given me the answer. The answer is grace. He has shown me what must be done to solve this dilemma. Oh what messes, the enemy creates for man. “The thief comes, to rob, to kill and to destroy, but I am come to give life, and life more abundantly.”

Upon discovering this strange rumblings in the heavens, I began to pray. I knew there was warfare taking place, but didn’t understand. I thought it was related to many other things. But the Lord has brought clarity. He brought the angels to help me in my battle. I know who they are. Although I’m a human with a foolish heart, they’ve tried to redirect me. To get me refocused. The incredible pain is where the enemy wants me to reside. I refuse to allow myself to stay there. I cannot. My soul is in shreds and I hear the swords of the battle above me. That fire in my soul is passed down from generations and I have to put an end to this. It is a prayer I offer up to the Lord “deliver me from evil.” I remember Daniel and his battle.

“Do not be afraid Daniel. Since the very first day you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words, were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of  the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days.”

I know what this kind of attack is and I’ve lived it since I was a young girl. If people don’t believe in the spirit world, they cannot wage warfare. But, my father spoke to me, because he knows, I have spiritual ears, which can hear. It is like the undercurrent in a river. We see the water flowing, yet the raging current is what has the real power to carry anything away, without being seen. A person that says, “This isn’t possible, because, I don’t see it, is a fool. They will step into this calm water and be carried away by its pull, just as they are, every day.

My life has been full of pain. But I will not let this define who I am. I will not let this be a legacy of bitterness and unforgiveness. But I will choose to walk in grace, as I carry out my father’s will. I want mankind to know the Lord is a just and merciful God, anxious to forgive and not waiting to punish us.

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