Wanted, Single, Strong, Colonel…Oh, and Bring Your Own Toaster!

I love you, but I love my toaster more!

I was talking with my mom this morning. I realize that I am going to have those, ‘good days,’ and ‘bad days.’ She is in and out of moods, and until I find out what is happening, it’s as if I’m dealing with someone who is bi-polar.

I am now starting to listen to advice from people, who’ve told me, “don’t take her attacks personally.” Well, it’s difficult, but I realize, that if I’m going to maintain any sanity at all, I have to try to let it go.

Between, the depression, I slip into, as I’ve already shared, and the stress of dealing with her and my other issues, it is all-consuming. So I have to buffer all of this with humor. The other day, I was so exhausted, my son was sick and I couldn’t deal with anymore stress. My mother was asking me, “Who is going to turn on Channel 6, for me in the morning?” I had to explain that there would be someone here to help her.  I felt the anxiety of the past, and I realized, I had to get control of myself. I’ve had panic attacks, in the past, that made me rush to the hospital in a panic. I thought I was having a heart attack, until I found, it was a result of the Post Traumatic Stress. I now, have more on my plate than I ever had, and I am trying to find strength to deal with all of this without going back to the state I was in a few years ago.

I have found solace in my friends, and the Lord’s words to me. It is as the angels of heaven were sent to minister to me. They came calling and praying. I felt so alone, and even out of the blue, a persons communication, was as the Father’s heart, toward me. I felt him reaching down to give me a hug, and let me know, I’m not alone.

As I took my mother on a walk, around the block, with her walker, today, the Lord reminded me of how far she has come. She was so stubborn and rebellious. No way was she going to use one of “those things!” Even when I took her to Orlando, in June, we walked to the pool.  She held tightly to my arm the whole way, and a woman was at the pool with a walker. I pointed and said, “mom, that is really nice. It even has a seat, when you’re tired. Wouldn’t you like that?” “I’m not using that! She said, with such obstinance. She would rather hold onto me where ever we go, and then yell at me, that she doesn’t need my help.

I finally convinced her, in the most loving way. It was the third time she had fallen down, and I told her that, “unless you exercise those muscles, you will not be able to walk. I have this cart, you can use. It has a little basket and everything.(I didn’t call it a walker) I put a bell and a little plate on it that says, “Too Cool 4 U.” She loves it. And now she can’t wait to go around the block.

Today,as we walked, we passed the house, where the ferocious dog lives. He’s big and black and he barks really loud. There’s a sign on the fence that says, “Beware of Dog.” And every time we pass, we wait for him.  The first time, we passed, I was terrified. I have a phobia of big dogs. I also have a phobia, of fish, but that’s for another story. The dog story involves my mom.

In fact, I reminded her of the story, after our encounter with the big, black dog. We heard him coming. I grabbed my moms, frail, little arm. “Mom, don’t look at him!” I said. My mom, was just as calm as could be and kept pushing her walker along. I couldn’t believe it. We’re about to be attacked and she’ll probably just be the appetizer. I’m the main course! She’s not even phased. “Oh, don’t let him bother you.” She said. “What?” I watched the dog run right past us and to a kid on a bike. The little kid was riding by on the street and he seemed to reach down and try to pet the dog.  Ok, now I’m feeling a little foolish. Why do people have, “Beware of Dog,” signs on their yards, and the dogs are running loose? And then, there’s nothing to ‘beware of,’ anyway?

I started to laugh in relief. Then I remembered the story. “Hey mom. Remember when we were working together at that temporary job? We were up at about 5 in the morning and two houses down that big white German Shepherd came out of nowhere? He was snarling at us like he was going to attack us?” “Oh yea! That was scary!” She said. “Yea, and I was so scared, I just kept whispering, help! help!” As if someone could hear us” We both laughed. We were right outside of Dan Hunt’s house. The local cop. Yet, even he couldn’t help us now.

All of a sudden, my mom took her bag of lunch and threw it and that dog ran after the lunch. We both turned around and ran into the house. I cracked up and never forgot about how wise my mom seemed that day. She saved us both with her quick thinking. I was only about 15 years old and I think, how many daughter’s have gone to work with their mother’s and had these kinds of experiences?

I made her laugh so hard this morning when I saw that Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband wants her eggs, so that he can have more children from her. I said, “Hey mom, I want some of your eggs too. You didn’t do so well with my siblings. I feel like I deserve another crack at this. Why not let me try for some more sister’s and brother’s? Come on! How about “a brother from another mother?”

When I had taken her to the hospital a couple of times I specifically told her that if her urine test came out positive for pregnancy, “she could find her own ride home!”

But after all of her things had been pilfered from her; I brought her out of her deepest sadness, with this joke. I had asked her what it was she felt had been taken from her, that she needed so badly. She told me. Her toaster! I could not believe this and after I was done falling out laughing, I asked her, “mom, if I bought you a brand new toaster, what color would you want it to be?” She said, “A red one!” “Ok,” I said. “I’ll get you a red toaster, when you get your new place.”

So one day, I was joking with her that she needed a nice, strong man. Someone who will scare the crap out of those guys! Referring to the ones, who had taken her toaster. “How about a Colonel in the Army?” Yea!” My son said, “Or better yet, a General!”

I told her, “I’m going to run and ad for you in the personals, mom. It will say, “Wanted, Single, Strong, Colonel. Bring your own toaster!” Then I told her that I will take a picture of her erotically posing on the bed next to her beautiful red toaster. What man can resist this? We were laughing as I stated, “Hey, could you imagine, if I had to call my sister or brother and ask for your toaster back, because you’re marrying a Colonel?”

So, who knows? After hearing about Zsa Zsa, today…anything’s possible.

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