Build An Ark! There’s a Flood In My Bathroom!


I’m had a dream and I was full of anxiety. I know it is the encounter with my mother and the fact that my siblings are not involved in her life. They don’t see the everyday struggles she has. And I have constant battles with her to try to help her.

She’s angry about aging. Every time she sees another person,from her era, die, she gets upset. I understand, but I am the only one she blames. As if it’s my fault she is getting older.

I try to keep her healthy, and she doesn’t want to listen. She finally used a walker, to take walks around the block with me. She fought against this, for a long time. And finally, I convinced her that she would never be able to walk, if she doesn’t exercise the legs. “If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it,” I told her.

After the first time using the walker, she remarked, “That was pretty good! Wasn’t it?” She enjoyed it so much, that she asked to do it every night, which I encouraged. When I told her we were going out, I went in another room to grab my keys, and there she was, standing at the door, with the walker! I was shocked. I told my daughter, “she reminded me of ‘Zeus,’ my ex-husband’s little min-pin. When you ask him if he wants to go for a walk. He gets so excited, he just runs to the door.

But again, she started in with “I’ve got to get back to Wisconsin as soon as possible. And this I couldn’t handle. She told me, “I can’t keep her here forever!” I was so upset. We had gone to the store and she made her purchase of a truckload of chocolate, as she usually does. After going upstairs with her bags, she came down, embarrassed to tell me, that she could not open the bags. She then asked for a pair of scissors. I said, “mom, I’m going to tell you the same thing I used to tell people, when I used to bartend. “If you can’t remember how many drinks you’ve had, you don’t need another one.And to you, if you can’t open the bag of chocolates, you can’t run around with a pair of scissors!”

At this she laughed. I said, “how can I trust you to walk up those stairs with a pair of scissors?” Now we were both laughing hard. But the fact is, she shouldn’t even be going up stairs. But this is another, battle, I lost. I told her she will continue as long as she believes, she can. But I have a bed downstairs for her, which she refuses to use.

After this last argument, I was so upset, I just watched her. And she’s so helpless. She actually said, “You act like I’m 90, or something!” “Mom,” I said, you’re 82,that’s not much different. And just can’t bear to remind her that, if she can’t open a bag of chocolate, how is she going to live all by herself. “How are you going to go grocery shopping?” I asked. “I’m going to walk to the store, just like I used to! I did it before.” “Mom, I said, that was years ago, and you aren’t able to get around like you did then.”

I know she’s losing ground, and I’m taking her in for testing, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am having a difficult time with the constant struggle. She looks at me as the enemy. Each time I help her, I’m a reminder of what she cannot do.

I had taken her to my own doctor, and she told me that I must have her tested by a neurologist. Her falling down and inability to walk are both signs of either dementia, or Alzheimers. She assured me that “this is not to say that she has it. It’s merely a test, to find out. Well, I understand this, but I’m almost afraid of the results. And then, what will she be like if she gets a diagnosis? Will she accept it, or will I really be in trouble?

So last night, I had a dream. I had been forced to move into a small home, with my children, my brother, and my mother. From the very beginning, I could see problems. The house was not able to hold our furniture, and we were very crowded. I was trying to soothe my son, at the loss of his other house, and let him know, it would be ok.

I stepped in to one of the rooms and there was my bed. My son came running in and told me, “There’s a flood in the bathroom!” I went to see it, and the whole floor was full of water. I told him to go and I would deal with it. But to be honest, I didn’t know where to start first. Our house was in total disarray.

I went into my room and just laid on my bed. I wept. As I wept, I started to feel my back getting wet. I got up from my bed and I was soaked. As I pressed down on the mattresses, they were also soaked.The room was now full of water. The mattress was acting like a sponge, and soaking up the flood which was now seeping, into my bedroom.

I ran out and my family was in the next room. A man had come over, and he was very comforting. He told me he would help us with everything. Then it seemed he had ulterior motives, and I just couldn’t be distracted from my current dire circumstances. I was frantic, as I tried to look for a way to get everyone out.

As I woke, once again, from one of these dreams, I was full of anxiety. I realized that the only way out, is The Lord. He reminded me, once again, “The Lord will not give you anything more than you can handle, without providing a way out.”And He is that way. He told me that, “He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.”

Many people will quote a portion of the Words He has given, and not all of them. It changes the whole context of the sentence. I hear people say, “Oh, just remember, the good Lord, will not give you anything more than you can handle.” But they leave off the end of the statement; “without providing a Way out.”

I had to be reminded of that myself, just yesterday. I had two men come to my house to help me with repairs. They are from a church, and do this as a form of ministry. They charge for materials and the labor costs are minimal. All money goes toward their ministry.

I looked up and told them, I have a lot of repairs. Last month, I had a flood in that bathroom, upstairs. I was thinking of my dream, as I spoke. I had just made the spiritual connection.  It certainly symbolizes the flood in my life.

The issues of my own family taking advantage of my elderly mother and leaving her in distress. And me,the only one to care for her. My brother, with special needs and his care. Then last month my daughter had gotten herself into trouble and I have a young son, with many needs, along with a job, which has also taken its toll on me. I have had to work, half of a schedule, to take care of all of them, and then my finances are cut in half. I’m juggling one bill after another, health care, and necessities. I feel the weight of these problems on my shoulders and try to field one after another.

Yes, there’s no doubt that I am to blame for many of my own problems as well. I vent constantly, and my mouth gets me into trouble all the time. Just recently with my mother. I felt guilt and sadness, after snapping. I sometimes, want to just go to my room and shut out the world. I did that for the last two years, though, and it wasn’t good. Besides the fact that I was becoming numb, to the world, I still had the problems, when I came back. Just a few more, along with the debt.

Jame listened as I spoke, and he told me that he had been in prison for a while, and it was here that he really learned to trust in the Lord. He said, once he was feeling so much anxiety, and the Lord told him a simple message, “Where my Word is, there I AM.” This was very powerful to me. I needed to hear this. To be reminded that He is here. “A very present help, in times of trouble.”

Now, I think of all the future has, and I feel very afraid at times. I know I’ve walked in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, my whole life, but I need to fall on Him. No matter, what news comes my way. We all agreed, that without Him, we are all just a lump of clay.

These two men, were sent to me at the right time. I was feeling the flood waters engulfing me. After, they had looked at what I needed to have repaired, ‘James,’ said, “Why don’t we pray right now?” I was so blessed. He grabbed my hand and his partner’s hand, and right there in my kitchen, we prayed.

I told him, I feel the influence of this world pulling me back , away from my devotion to the Lord, especially in my times of stress. But then the Lord shows up, and puts out His hand, to grab me. And it’s through servants, like you!” “Oh, he said, we are all the same. We are to encourage one another.”

So, late last night, I went into my mother’s room and gave her a big hug. I told her how much I love her, and she was so sweet. Like a little girl. But I am like a child in the Lords eyes. I have my tantrums, and act out all the time. Yet, He never loses patience with me. As foolish as I am. In many ways, I have felt, my lack of trust in man, has made me sabotage myself. I have tested people to the very limits and driven them right out of my life. Yet, when I have tried to do this with the Lord, He cannot be moved. He tells me, “I love you until the end the age, and no one can take you from my hands.”

I try to comfort my mother with these words as well. The two repair men, are really servants. Acting as ambassadors and this is a picture, of the ark, which Noah had built. It sailed them safely in the midst of the raging waters, and if you don’t find the ark, the Lord will bring it to your door.

The waters will continue to rage, in this world, and in my own life. I just need to remember, to enter into the shelter He has provided. This is the way out.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: