Do you know the MI Lady?


I took my son to his dentist today. I told him, “I am waiting out in the car, when you go in, because it’s freezing in her office.

But the fact is, I have a very difficult time seeing this dentist. She’s one very annoying person. I mean she’s sweet, but it’s just that talking to her is irritating.

She seems to think we are all in the same age range. Say, about 5 to 13. She waves her hands around and speaks in baby tones. To make her point she will make extremely animated faces, and when I’m standing with my son, I cannot dare to catch his eyes, because I feel him just waiting, knowing with one look, I will lose control and begin to lose my serious face.

So, I waited out in the car, and then it came. A text from my son. “Come in.” Oh, what a day we’re living in. We don’t even have to go into the office and waste precious time, paging through endless copies of ‘Highlight Magazine, or better yet, Parenting. I always thought that was a funny magazine, anyway. I’m in the dentist office with my son, already ahead of the parenting game. Being able to make and juggle appointments. The parents, are way to busy to read about it, and the ones who don’t have a desire to ‘parent,’ sure wouldn’t pick up a magazine to tell them where they miss the mark.

Now, I was doing something much more productive. I was trying to take a catnap, before I was on to my next project. I’d already, heard from the plumbers, and they were ready to arrive at my house, when I put them off, for my son’s appointment.

Hot and humid. About 85, already and it’s only 8am, but who cares? It is 40 degrees, in this office! I mean, I’ve often wondered, what in the world this pediatric dentist is really trying to convey. “I don’t really like kids, and wish to torture them into Arctic paralysis, before I torture them some more with my instruments.” Or perhaps, I love kids, but I cannot stand those old people, that some like to call, “parents.” Such a necessary evil. Those parents. Coming and going and ruining my whole fantasy, of dental land. I think I’ll make it so uncomfortably cold, that they’ll just abandon their children, with their pristine teeth, to my custody.

Now, the call; “Come in.” Oh, here I go. I guess I have to see her sooner or later. Now I walk in, and see my son, playing a video game, which is standard, after each visit. She begins; “Well, he has that cavity, which needs to be filled. Oh, and now I see little shadows on his molars, which isn’t a good sign,” she says. “But I’m not going to do anything yet. If he uses this MI Paste.” Then he may have a chance.”

She is, all the while, becoming more and more animated, as she speaks. I’m thankful that I do not have to see my son’s face, since he already knows what I’m thinking. I’m suppressing a smile, and it wants to open wide and laugh, a hilarious laugh. But I’m trying to be as serious, as she is, about her practice.

I’m thankful that she loves what she does, but the next comment just almost made me crack up. “Oh, I take this MI Paste up to visit my relatives. The call me the “MI Lady!” She continues to tell me that she loads up her suitcase with multiple tubes of this precious paste.

I ask, “can I buy this over-the-counter?” She looked at me as if I certainly did belong in her pediatric crowd; “No, absolutely not!” She said. The people ask me to bring it to them, and they really need it!” “Oh, so you’re like the MI, dealer?”

I picture this woman, trying to pull one over on TSA, as she stealthily hides her, MI Paste. Now, she continues to stress the flossing. At this point, my son had joined us, and I could see him, smirking as he watched me. Waiting for me to break. “Oh, believe me,” she said, I used to think that I only had to floss at night, but now I’ve talked to the other dentist, and apparently I must floss after every meal!” She continued to tell us that she just couldn’t imagine all of the decay, that was invading her teeth, and the pockets,that were forming, as a result of not flossing enough.

Wow, I thought, she doesn’t trust her own judgement enough to know? She has to ask the other dentist in her office. The one who handles adults. I can just hear him disciplining her; “Now listen Jenny, don’t you dare eat that sandwich without flossing, afterward, or you’re going to have to take a time-out, from your next patient.” And strangely enough, I imagine, him with the voice of Forest Gump. I guess it’s because of her name.

Later, I was driving with my son, and we were discussing the dentist. “She must be a riot at parties,” I said. “Yea,” he added, “The MI Lady is here!” I said, “I don’t think she’s married. And if she is, can you imagine her poor husband? Again, I begin with the voice, of Forest Gump as I immitate the scene.  She probably sleeps in her dentists jacket, with her name on it.And I bet she totally freaks out, before she gets into bed, and asks her husband to check her teeth, to make sure there isn’t any decay on them.

“Jennnnnnnay!” He probably says;  “We go together, like peas and carrots! Ooops, and I think there are some between your teeth!”

I bet she has one of those big mirrors above the bed, with the light and the little instruments on the night stand. I can picture her begging her husband, “Please make sure, nothing is there! I cannot have any decay! And I’ll have to check yours too. How can I have a husband with bad teeth, if he represents me? What will my little patient’s think, if you have pockets, or gingivitis. Oh, my gosh! That would be terrible, and you know I can’t sleep, if I even think, something is left behind!”

We were laughing, as I said to my son, “Don’t think this isn’t serious! I’m not going to have you’re teeth falling out, no matter how much of a relief it would be, not to visit your, MI Lady!”

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