Ministering Angels

I just returned from a vacation with my mom. I went for a week. I took my son, my brother, and her. I have never seen her this frail, and this unsure of herself. She held me tight as we walked. At every step, it seemed, she would ask me, “are we going that way?” And she would point her tiny finger. I would always let her know in advance, which direction we were going, as I could see, she was very fearful, of the unknown.

I realized that she has lived her whole life this way. I remember many of these fears, she has tried to project onto me. Her mother had five girls, and she left them in the care of their grandmother to come to the city. My grandfather had a seven-year affair, which no one was supposed to speak about. My grandmother, chased him down, which my mother and I agreed, we would never do, and although she won him back, it was by default. He had a heart attack and the woman never came to the hospital to nurse him, when my grandmother did.

Finally, she had him back, but at what price? My mother and her sister’s never forgot. Their mother was gone during the formative years, and the bonding was for their grandmother, not their mother. This explains a great deal, when I deal with my own mother, and I am well aware of this. In turn, my mother had more affection toward her father, than her mother, when he did return. She told me, “We called her, ‘mother,’ isn’t that strange?” “Well,” I said, it’s rather formal.” “Yes, she said. ” I sure thought so.”

They never slept in the same room again, after they reconciled. So what was the point? You may as well as have been roommates. But each relationship is different, I suppose. We had a lot of skeletons, in our closets. It just shows you how it affects the future generations.

My mother always said, “There were five of us girls, and I was the odd one in the middle.” “No mom. You were the cream in the middle of the cookie. The very best part!” I told her. And I’m here to keep reminding you of that.” I wanted to tell her this, because I had remembered reading a psychological report from her doctors when she had her breakdown. It was after she lost my brother from spinal meningitis. I was a little girl and it was traumatic for me as well. One of the things the struck me was that the doctor made note of the fact that my mothers  sisters were so instrumental in her pain and suffering. They were the ones who had placed her children in the Children’s Home, after all. Yet, when it came to her own description of her relationship to them, she stated that she felt she was the black sheep. That because of her divorce and lack of income, she was left out. This made me very sad. At that moment of reading those words, I wished I were older to hold her and help her. But I was a child.

Now I am an adult and oddly, she is like a child. I feel the Lord allows me this time to tell her all those things that I wanted to tell her . “No mom. you are the cream in the middle of the cookie. The best part. You are the queen. You should be in a resort every day and treated like royalty.”

My son was feeling jealous yesterday at the pool. He feels rivalry with my brother at times and I have to discipline both of them for fighting. I took him and made him sit on the chair. “You should make him sit on the chair too!” “Well, I can’t, because then he’s sitting by you and both of you are fighting.”

Later, after they returned to the hotel, they fought again, and I sent him to his room. This time I went in to find him crying. I sat down and talked with him to find he needed me with him. So I told my mom. I need to cuddle with Noah for a while. I fell asleep with him and I saw her walking the halls to find me. I had to put her to bed a child. “Oh, she said, I thought you went somewhere.”No mom. I won’t go anywhere without telling you. I promise you.”

I fell asleep with my son, and I woke up again, with tears. It was the third night in a row. I had been dreaming of my mother, and I was sobbing. It was so much that my face was wet with tears and this time, I heard the Lord speaking to me. “These are ministering angels. They minister to the heirs of salvation.” He said. “Wow, so this is what this is all about, I thought. It has felt like I have been purging my soul. When I sleep, it seems as if everything I’ve been feeling inside, is coming out. It is so deep. It is as if I cry the tears my mother cannot cry.

I think these angels help me to purge everything, so that I can find the strength to make it through another day. I felt them lift me out of myself to higher ground. To get past the pain and trust in the Lord to hold it in His scarred hands.

The other day, I asked her, “Mom have you always been so terrified of everything?” She became very angry. I”m not terrified!” “Ok, mom” I said. But, I remembered something from my past. When I went to Chicago for my interview with my first airline, I was with my mom, my mother-in-law and my ex-husband. We decided to take them to Chicago for the day. It was my initial screening, which meant it was like a huge cattle call.

Hundreds of people come to this, and I wasn’t surprised. As we drove into the parking lot, my mother exclaimed, “My gosh! Look at all this competition!” At this my mother-in-law, said, “Don’t say that! You’ll scare her!”That’s when  World War III began. My mom actually said, “”I’ll scare her if I want to, she’s my daughter!” And they began to argue, as I exited the car. I didn’t let it bother me, since I had grown up with my mother’s insecurities. I had to fight against it. Anything I wanted, I had to figure out how to do it on my own. But I understood, the reason’s behind my mother’s insecurities, which made it easier to deal with. I had compassion for her. I see how difficult her life has been and I want to try to make the last stretch as smooth as I can. I want to take away the pain of some of the bad memories, when I can. And if the Lord gives me the opportunity to bring her some justice, I will do so.

I try to advocate for her. I’m not saying I always have patience. I don’t. Sometimes I snap. And then we just laugh about it. But, I love her and I protect her. And just today, walking out of a store, I see a man, running to the door to open it. Saying ” Bless you, mommy!” I see this, just like the one’s who are compassionate to my brother. These are the ones who the Lord is speaking of, when He says, “And if you give unto the least of these, then you are giving unto me.”

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