I’m full of grief

I find myself guarding my mom. I walk her like my little girl. I see her looking for me as she paces herself. She’s slowing down. I am so angry that my siblings don’t see her. They’ve cut themselves off by their own behavior. They don’t care. I help her with the simplest things and I wonder what she would do if she were alone, or worse, if she was with one of them. A person without empathy. I love my mom so much and cannot bear to see her in pain.

I had to take her to the hospital again the other day, and she was so afraid. So tiny and afraid, even when they put the IV, into her little arms, and she asked, “are you coming with me?” when they wheeled her down the hallway, to get her xrays. “Yes, of course, mom.” I wouldn’t think of letting her go alone. She’s so afraid, and to watch as they let her stand by the machine, I saw how small she was. I wondered in amazement at how this frail women raised all of us against all the odds. The things she’s been through in her life. Just what did she do to my brother and sister, that they are so hateful? I cannot understand them.

And now, to know that my siblings had taken advantage of her and also allowed others to as well. It angered me. I am on a mission to right a wrong. I was angry when this was done to my brother, but now with my own mother, this is too much. I am heartbroken.

I had been almost unable to function a few years ago and now I am so hurt to see my mother at the last years of her life to be so hurt, I am in such unbearable pain. I try not to let my children or her see me. I found myself crying at work the other day and I had to go into the bathroom to hide. It’s hard to swallow and I cannot explain this hurt to anyone. To look at my mother who has already lost two sons and may as well have lost the rest of her children. I cannot even explain all of the pain my mother has endured. It’s incredible for one woman.

She marks off time on her calendar.It pains me. She gets things in the mail. Identity theft. She’s nothing more than a social security number.Her things and numbers. She may as well have died years ago. Taxes and debt that are not hers.It seems I don’t exist in my own house. My siblings live off of  my identity too, and claim my address, yet I have no claim to my residence. They’ve always been freeloaders.

I only realized this when doing a background check. I found I don’t live in my house, but all of them claim my address. Isn’t that nice? “Wow,” I said. Why don’t they just pay my mortgage then?After stealing everything my mother owned, they had the audacity to tell her it was her fault. Now I try to make her comfortable, but she wants to be independent. The problem is, she doesnt have the ability to be independent and I don’t have the heart to tell her.

My siblings have made my life an incredible burden. I thought I had cut my sister loose years ago but, my brother, I had always believed we were alike. Now, I know the truth. This is what brings me hurt. We are not. He has hurt my mother. I cannot imagine my son bringing me this kind of pain. To be the only son to betray a mother. But he betrayed me as well. He was a best friend.

Now I try to love my mother enough for all of her children. She looks into my eyes and she will say, “Well I have two children who care about me.” She’s referring to my brother with special needs, and myself.

I remind her that her grandchildren care about her very much, but it has taken these circumstances for the Lord to open her eyes to the truth in her life. I had to see these things myself. One of these people taking advantage of her was also my Godson. So, I’m not that naive anymore.

I know my mother loves all of her children no matter what they do and this is how I feel about my own. But I feel she must be so hurt and  I am praying that the Lord brings repentance before the end.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Carol Ann Hoel
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 10:32:54

    Jehovah Jireh, God our Provider. Excuse me for writing the wrong word. Also, may Johavh Nissi, God the LORD of Hosts, also protect you and your mother. These are some of the names of God used in the Bible that speak of specific aspects of His character. Blessings…


  2. Carol Ann Hoel
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 10:31:04

    May Jehovah Jireh, God our protector, watch out for you and your mother. Blessings to you…


    • flygurlual
      Apr 20, 2011 @ 11:22:30

      Oh Carol,
      Thank you so much. I am so beside myself since I also have such compassion for my siblings in spite of what they have done.
      I know they are in such desperate sin and darkness and I keep praying that the Lord will not allow my mother to leave before they can come to her on bended knee and with Godly sorrow for what they have done.
      I cannot imagine having to live with this. I am so hurt to see her suffer like this.
      Thank you for you prayers.


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