I Stand Corrected…


And crumble….Rejected. 

Its pain is unbearable

And now I know the ultimate pain. This pain of the broken heart. I stand corrected in my understanding of this searing pain. The pain of being humiliated and rejected. Of course, I don’t believe the one who causes such pain, does so with cruel intentions. 

It is more that I was the temptation. I had been drawn into something deep. So deep, I forgot my own protection. That big wall around my heart.I remembered a doctor in an office trying to touch me inappropriately and as I said something about this he apologized, stating, “You’re just such a goddess.” In my translation it meant, It’s my own fault that I am a temptation. I will suffer the consequences. I don’t have feelings. 

But this man did the same thing in a way. Ever since I our meeting I  was attracted to him. But not so much in the physical as the spiritual.It’s not that he isn’t an attractive man. He is. Just not the kind of man that I would have been attracted to in the past. Perhaps this is the reason I felt it was something real. My radar had been all wrong in the past and because he was the extreme opposite of my normal taste, I was convinced of this. But something happened before it had even begun. I wondered. Did I hurt this man? Did I give mixed messages? How can I return? What right words do I use to bring restoration? My soul is pierced since our meeting. Instead of turning away, I wanted answers and the whole time, my feelings seemed to grow. He seemed so genuine and kind. 

Allusive in his actions and nature, I asked, “What is wrong with me?” But yes, now I know the answers and the reason for his detached behavior.

He’s married. I couldn’t find this before, but I guess it has been the Lord’s desire to slowly reveal this to me. I’ve never had a problem searching out answers, but this is something that had not come to me easily. He may have thought he let me down easy when one day he said, “I’m getting married.” Which in man-talk is, “I am married.” It’s the same thing as every man I’ve ever met. When a gorgeous fighter pilot came up to me with all the aggresiveness you would expect from a man like this, I asked, “Are you married?” “I’m separated,” he said. To which I responded, “By time or distance, or both?” Come on…they are all searching for a loophole.

So they lie.This latest man, whom I had fallen for, seemed to avoid the truth. Not outright lie. He was in too far. This is what I sense, and he thought to tell me that he’s getting married would be a far ‘whiter lie.’  Not that it made one bit of difference to me. That was like slapping me in the face.

Caught up in the giddiness of the moment. But how would he know that I could fall for him? He probably thought I was just another groupie. I’m sure he’s had his share of those women in his life. Perhaps he didn’t think I was the one who would be interested in him. This time he misjudged and he probably regretted this slip. It’s a difficult thing to fix, when that ship begins to sail.

Now I know and I believe I may have been the biggest fool ever. I went the distance for him, only to be turned away again.

I was the one who was hypnotized by my own self. Unwilling to believe the truth.  So, here I am, in the shards  the pieces what had been my heart, and wondering how many others knew this. How many who were willing to keep his secret. Well, it could have been anything. I was told he was gay. That didn’t fly with me, since he wouldn’t have been attracted to me in the first place. Well, he certainly doesn’t have to worry…his secret is safe with me. I’ll probably get a big prize one day, for keeping everyones secrets and letting my heart be leased as a confessional. Yes, I’m sure I’ll get a great reward I’m even betting that he received quite a bonus for keeping me quiet and protecting him while I was being pummeled. What a great job he did and what loyalty! Hey, don’t I get a consolation prize? I used to say that I was married for 17 years without so much as early release for good behavior. It’s no wonder I have no desire for anything again.Always the woman that others want to use, that’s the way I’m perceived. The consummate codependent.  Even prostitutes get some payment for their trouble. I end up being the one to pay. No, I don’t just go and sleep with men. I am the one that most men fear, I am a woman of substance and not one to be anyones ‘ corporate whore.’ Once again, my judgement is off. How could I have been so ridiculous? I’m sure he was concerned about his status or wealth, in which case this is the opposite of who I am. Most men at this level are emotionally unavailable. I knew this. The wealth and power has already taken hold and this is where their passion lies. And it is most assuredly,the knife that butchers true love. I realize this is why some never truly find it. (Song of Solomon 8’7)Many waters cannot quench love. Many rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all their wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned.” 

Yes,  it seems my father was right. “You are just too good for any man.” Although he prophesied a lonely life, I will certainly tell him he spoke those words and predicted my future. And this is a day that cannot come fast enough for me. 

Now the wall goes up and I will not feel again. My daughter had just told me the other night that the guy she likes has a father who is quite attractive. She said, “I knew this day would come. He’s asking about you because my friends say that you’re hot. I told him, forget about my mom, she’s a man-eater!” I didn’t understand this term, except that she explained, I don’t get interested in men.” Well, she was wrong about that. It’s just a guarded life I lead and now I am convinced, once again, there is a purpose for this. And the Lord has shown me once again, I cannot trust man, when only He can love me in a way that will not bring me pain in the end. 

So I stand. I stand corrected. I have loved, and I most certainly have lost.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. flygurlual
    Jul 31, 2010 @ 21:33:57

    Yes, you are correct. I believe the communion of the Body,is imperative. However,I have never forsaken this part of my walk.
    As far as the most intimate form of love goes, well, that’s just another matter.
    I don’t want to be bitter or angry. A man is a man.
    I had all but forgotten that a ‘natural man,’ will do what’s natural.
    I must believe that the “spiritual man,” will be the one my heart recognizes, when and if he makes his appearance.

    Reply

  2. Phil Steinacker
    Jul 31, 2010 @ 01:11:44

    I found your blog by accident in the sense that I’ve been running Google alerts on a number of topics interesting to me, one of which is the Song of Solomon. That is by way of explaining my being in a position to comment.

    I was saddened to read of your yearning to love only to be recently frustrated by the gentleman who is “getting married.”

    You surely have sprinkled so many diverse elements into your narrative that I’m overwhelmed by the need to limit my responses to the most salient handful, due to length and time considerations. What I mean to say, I suppose, is that your post would ordinarily provoke one of those deep, heartfelt long-distance conversations taking up an hour or two between good friends – which we are not, of course.

    At first I thought you are very young. Again, space and time do not permit me to peer so closely to your text for me to articulate why I thought so, except to say your description to the unfolding of the true potential of this relationship had a feel to it like I would have expected from a young woman – not cynical; fresh, but not entirely so; still learning about herself and how she – sometimes mistakenly – discerned what’s what with a specific man on her radar.

    As I continued to read, though, you made several references that clued me in to the fact that I had missed something in that regard. I guess I was a bit slow on the uptake, but I’m glad I was able to finally grasp the reality of the matter by the end. At that point I realized there are some things I wish to address in an attempt to serve you well, I hope and pray, because I am concerned about the hurt you harbor in your heart and the conclusions you seem to have reached that I fear can only hurt you even more over time.

    Certainly there is much I do not know about your life, having come to your story only now, and therefore am quite a bit out of context. I won’t pretend to be sufficiently aware of who (deep within) is the person I am addressing, so I ask your forgiveness if I inadvertently make a fool of myself and demonstrate I know so little of what I’m saying. Therefore, I’m going to cherry-pick some of the items of concern where I hope to be most helpful.

    I’ll begin with your reaction to the incident with the explanation offered by the doctor who touched you inappropriately. As a man with a long history about which I am not proud but for which I have been forgiven – and redeemed in more than one way – I want to affirm that as your doctor there is NO EXCUSE sufficient to justify that violation. I understand his words as a man revealing the depth of an incredibly powerful urge engendered by a beautiful woman. Goddess or not, the fact remains he violated you, and no words can replace the trust that he discarded like a used tissue.

    It is NOT your fault. That smacks of old world puritanism that puts the burden of male lust on a woman who did nothing to trigger it except to exist as beautiful as God made her. It is NOT your fault. The part that concerns me most greatly are the “consequences” you impose upon yourself.

    Our feelings are a gift from God. Indeed, more than a gift they are a major part of how we are made in His image and likeness. In fact, the dynamic of relationships of all kinds is a reflection of the prime relationship we have – can have – with Him. Shut down your feelings and you cripple your relationship with the Father – and His Son, of course

    There’s much more that could be said about such a matter, but it would have to be as part of the give and take of conversation since I know too little else upon which to base further comment.

    You write an intriguing narrative, and I wish I could ask you clarifying questions about various things you wrote, particularly throughout that huge middle paragraph. What I will address, with you kind indulgence, is your father’s words to you. I enter here with some trepidation lest I offend your view of your father, but I believe I stand on firm ground when I say it is dangerous for a parent to say such a thing to a daughter. I was quite struck that he prophesied a lonely life for you, since I hold this is a most predictable outcome to the claim that no man is good enough for you. There is a strong element of self-fulfillment to that prophecy, which is only partially borne out by your reference to a failed marriage that left you with a sense of having gained nothing of value to show for it after 17 years – if I read that part correctly. I sincerely apologize if my reading of that part is skewed.

    I have a lot of reasons for challenging you this way but all of them are motivated by the fact of my good heart and lots of experience of various sorts that, again, are too lengthy to explain here. I know in my own heart, in the richness and fullness of my faith, and from my studies of the Theology of the Body that we are ALL called to communion with another – NO EXCEPTIONS. That means NO hiding from relationship because of our suffering is great. It cannot be greater than His suffering and death. In fact, He provides the model for relationship in which we are called to imitate His self-donation by giving up all of Himself for us – His bride, the Church.

    The communion of persons between man and woman is intended to reflect the Communion of Persons that is Trinitarian Love. This communion is NOT achievable when in our pain we hide from such communion. We cannot offer ourselves in self-donated love as He did (and asks us to do) if we shut down our feelings and sentence ourselves to a life of loneliness.

    My friend, I am here to proclaim to you that the Lord does not desire you to shut yourself off from relationship with man.

    You are hurt. I see this and I know it to be true, and I am very sorry that men have disappointed you and hurt you so severely. I know that previously in my own life I, too, have hurt some women, both in my ignorance and my insensitivity.

    Today I am a different man – the man the Father called me to be. Well, I’m still in formation but I’ve traveled very far in my redemption and the remaining distance is acceptable to me and others in my life. However, I am living out the calling to live in slef-donated love. I hope someday to enter into communion whereby it becomes mutual self-donation.

    You are called to this self-donation , too, and if you shut down as you say then you inhibit the Holy Spirit from taking you to this communion. Please pray on my words and do not despair. Christians are not to despair lest we deny that with God all things are possible. I know you don’t want to be trying to make a liar of Jesus, right? 🙂

    It is very late and I’m going to close here. I apologize if I offended you and perhaps intruded on your very personal space. If I can be of assistance in any way in further developing some of these themes than I have here you may contact me at bleusmon@comcast.net.

    Phil

    Reply

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