Lord Break Me and Pour Me Out!


Every time I suffer a word comes to me. A word from the Holy Spirit. “Your suffering is a sweet fragrance to the Lord. This is your offering.”

I know I must have been an offering from birth, for my suffering has been great. I don’t even share all my experiences with people, because it seems exaggerated. Even in my own mind I wonder, “How could I have possibly experienced all of this pain? Shouldn’t I have checked out a long time ago? Surely people, even my own father, had far less, and they took the last train out.

I ask, “How much Lord? When will  all of this end?  The words that bring comfort are, “My grace is sufficient for you, my child. And my strength is made perfect in your weakness.”

Yes, that is the plan isn’t it? His strength. His power. And in the end, His Glory. This is where I will see the meaning of all the suffering. The altar is His and the hands that tied me, are His scarred palms. Didn’t He tell us that we would suffer as He suffered? In this we share the common bond. The love that died for us. This  is what keeps me going through another round.

Then break me Lord. Pour me out as a drink offering. The Water of Life, that people will thirst at your presence in me. At the end of my life I want to say that I did not turn away from my suffering. But I made myself a willing sacrifice as you had for me. I allowed you to break me and shape me in the image of you.

I will run to your arms when I need comfort. You alone can keep me from falling and you alone love me unconditionally. It’s you. The one who loves me forever, and it’s you, “who will never leave me nor forsake me, even until the end of time.”

Yes, for you, I hold on. So, I will cry my tears and sob into the night, but in the final hour, I will know…I did  not shrink back. I ran the race. I did it all for you.

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I Stand Corrected…


And crumble….Rejected. 

Its pain is unbearable

And now I know the ultimate pain. This pain of the broken heart. I stand corrected in my understanding of this searing pain. The pain of being humiliated and rejected. Of course, I don’t believe the one who causes such pain, does so with cruel intentions. 

It is more that I was the temptation. I had been drawn into something deep. So deep, I forgot my own protection. That big wall around my heart.I remembered a doctor in an office trying to touch me inappropriately and as I said something about this he apologized, stating, “You’re just such a goddess.” In my translation it meant, It’s my own fault that I am a temptation. I will suffer the consequences. I don’t have feelings. 

But this man did the same thing in a way. Ever since I our meeting I  was attracted to him. But not so much in the physical as the spiritual.It’s not that he isn’t an attractive man. He is. Just not the kind of man that I would have been attracted to in the past. Perhaps this is the reason I felt it was something real. My radar had been all wrong in the past and because he was the extreme opposite of my normal taste, I was convinced of this. But something happened before it had even begun. I wondered. Did I hurt this man? Did I give mixed messages? How can I return? What right words do I use to bring restoration? My soul is pierced since our meeting. Instead of turning away, I wanted answers and the whole time, my feelings seemed to grow. He seemed so genuine and kind. 

Allusive in his actions and nature, I asked, “What is wrong with me?” But yes, now I know the answers and the reason for his detached behavior.

He’s married. I couldn’t find this before, but I guess it has been the Lord’s desire to slowly reveal this to me. I’ve never had a problem searching out answers, but this is something that had not come to me easily. He may have thought he let me down easy when one day he said, “I’m getting married.” Which in man-talk is, “I am married.” It’s the same thing as every man I’ve ever met. When a gorgeous fighter pilot came up to me with all the aggresiveness you would expect from a man like this, I asked, “Are you married?” “I’m separated,” he said. To which I responded, “By time or distance, or both?” Come on…they are all searching for a loophole.

So they lie.This latest man, whom I had fallen for, seemed to avoid the truth. Not outright lie. He was in too far. This is what I sense, and he thought to tell me that he’s getting married would be a far ‘whiter lie.’  Not that it made one bit of difference to me. That was like slapping me in the face.

Caught up in the giddiness of the moment. But how would he know that I could fall for him? He probably thought I was just another groupie. I’m sure he’s had his share of those women in his life. Perhaps he didn’t think I was the one who would be interested in him. This time he misjudged and he probably regretted this slip. It’s a difficult thing to fix, when that ship begins to sail.

Now I know and I believe I may have been the biggest fool ever. I went the distance for him, only to be turned away again.

I was the one who was hypnotized by my own self. Unwilling to believe the truth.  So, here I am, in the shards  the pieces what had been my heart, and wondering how many others knew this. How many who were willing to keep his secret. Well, it could have been anything. I was told he was gay. That didn’t fly with me, since he wouldn’t have been attracted to me in the first place. Well, he certainly doesn’t have to worry…his secret is safe with me. I’ll probably get a big prize one day, for keeping everyones secrets and letting my heart be leased as a confessional. Yes, I’m sure I’ll get a great reward I’m even betting that he received quite a bonus for keeping me quiet and protecting him while I was being pummeled. What a great job he did and what loyalty! Hey, don’t I get a consolation prize? I used to say that I was married for 17 years without so much as early release for good behavior. It’s no wonder I have no desire for anything again.Always the woman that others want to use, that’s the way I’m perceived. The consummate codependent.  Even prostitutes get some payment for their trouble. I end up being the one to pay. No, I don’t just go and sleep with men. I am the one that most men fear, I am a woman of substance and not one to be anyones ‘ corporate whore.’ Once again, my judgement is off. How could I have been so ridiculous? I’m sure he was concerned about his status or wealth, in which case this is the opposite of who I am. Most men at this level are emotionally unavailable. I knew this. The wealth and power has already taken hold and this is where their passion lies. And it is most assuredly,the knife that butchers true love. I realize this is why some never truly find it. (Song of Solomon 8’7)Many waters cannot quench love. Many rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all their wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned.” 

Yes,  it seems my father was right. “You are just too good for any man.” Although he prophesied a lonely life, I will certainly tell him he spoke those words and predicted my future. And this is a day that cannot come fast enough for me. 

Now the wall goes up and I will not feel again. My daughter had just told me the other night that the guy she likes has a father who is quite attractive. She said, “I knew this day would come. He’s asking about you because my friends say that you’re hot. I told him, forget about my mom, she’s a man-eater!” I didn’t understand this term, except that she explained, I don’t get interested in men.” Well, she was wrong about that. It’s just a guarded life I lead and now I am convinced, once again, there is a purpose for this. And the Lord has shown me once again, I cannot trust man, when only He can love me in a way that will not bring me pain in the end. 

So I stand. I stand corrected. I have loved, and I most certainly have lost.

Learning to Trust His Voice


The Anointing of the Spirit

Well, as I had published my post this morning, I was waiting. Waiting on the Lord to see what He was doing. I certainly know it was His voice guiding me, as I went from place to place. I had a chance to see my friend and she also gave me a Christian book about ‘caregivers,’ which I desperately need at this time. He also tells us, “Forsake not the fellowship of one another, as the pagans do.” We are to come together, no matter how brief, to encourage each other, pray and grow in the knowledge of Him.

After seeing her, she spoke and told me that she did not think I should go to La Guardia to catch a flight which was open, but to stay in JFK, and go out on the one at 9:50. She felt sure that this was the right choice. I trusted that the Lord was speaking through her to me.

Sure enough, I did get on that flight. In fact, I was the very first person to be called for the jumpseat, and I was standing with another flight attendant from our airline. I told her, “I’m praying for both of us.”

At this point they called her too, and as we went to the back, a person from this particular airline came to the back to inform us that they had an open seat. This girl told me, “You take it. You’ve been here since last night.” That was very kind, and I was just glad to be on.

After going to my crew lounge, I saw another girl I knew from Lauderdale and she had just come up. “I had to buy a ticket!” She said. We left a bunch of people behind. I really felt bad. There were two people from our airline that would have had those seats, but two others walked up that were higher priority.”

Ok, now I felt a whole lot better about coming up the night before, no matter how much work it was. The Lord knew something which I did not. That today, I would have been bumped off the direct flights. I was wondering why all of this nonsense, but He showed me that He knows what He’s doing, and I do not. And this is where my trust comes in.

Yes, “we walk by faith and not by sight. If I used common sense, I would have left on a direct flight and never considered doing a double commute. But now I see, this would not have happened and He was divinely guiding me.

I thought back to a time many years ago when I was waiting standby for a flight and I had just started with my company, therefore I had very little seniority. I just sat and waited and my faith was very strong. As I watched person after person get on and all the standby’s getting very nervous, I knew that the Lord was going to take care of it.

Later, the agent called me and told me to wait at the door of the airplane. As I did, I was told by her, “Hurry up! Just get on! The pilot gave up his seat to sit in the cockpit, so go and sit in his seat.” “Where is it?” I asked. She said, “It’s in First Class.”

I ran in and sat down, when a few minutes later a flight attendant who happened to be sitting up there, looked at me and said, “Are you a born again Christian?” “Oh my gosh, yes!” I told her. “I knew it! When I saw all these things happening to get you on, I knew you were a believer and the Lord was doing this!”

Wow! That was incredible. I laughed and said, “You know, I believe that being a commuter, brings many people to faith! How can you not see the miracles of God?”

Her name was Marcia, and she’s since retired. However, I came to know her and her husband very well after that. We crossed paths many times, in ministry, since they belonged to the Christian Motorcycle Association. They would show up at many outreach ministries I was also a part of, and she would always share the story of our meeting.

Yes, God shows up in many ways, in the lives of the believer. We just have to be ready to accept His plans and “Lean not unto our own understanding, but in all our ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct our path.”

We can’t plan anything as perfectly as He does, so why even try? It takes the stress off of us, as we walk according to His voice.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished


Well, I’ve had a return to work and it’s been one challenge after another, however, I know after my intense warfare in the past two years, that my Father does not allow anything to come to me, which He hasn’t given me the ability to handle.

Although it seems it is too much for one person to handle, I have the most challenging circumstances right now, and yet, I have a peace in the understanding that “He works everything together for good to those who love Him.”

At the beginning of this month, I began flying again. At the same time, my mother called repeatedly on my first trip, asking me to come rescue her from the mess she’d gotten herself into She made a decision a year ago, to move near one of my siblings, and I knew this was not good. She had health problems, she is very frail, and my sibling would not be the wisest choice for this move, since this is not one person of compassion.

Now she’s almost panicked as she calls me. I tell her, “mom, I just returned to work, and I was assigned a terrible line of trips for the month. I’m just learning the ‘commuting ropes,”once again, and have barely a few days off to come get you.” She called to tell me I could wait about three weeks. “Great, let me know when it’s a good time.” She calls back a few days later, upset again.”Please come and get me as soon as possible.” After talking to her and calming her down, I remind her once again, that I just can’t drop everything and come,, but I will as soon as I can work it out.

I received another call that she was ready anytime I could come, but preferable sooner, rather than later. Ok, I decided this was not going to stop until I went to get her, so having a couple of days off after my next trip, I stayed at the crew lounge and left as soon as I could to get her. I was so upset when I saw her, at the weight she had lost and the unhealthy appearance she had. Getting her through the airports was another matter. She complains constantly and refuses to accept that she just cannot get around like she used to. I had to force her to take the cart and a wheelchair, all the time listening to her rants, “I can take care of myself!” I would waver between sad and angry. I know she does not want to lose her independence, and I can understand this, but she just cannot do the things she was accustomed to doing, and I hate the fact that I am the whipping post, for her anger.Then I feel guilt at feeling angry, since I know my mother will not be around forever. This is a very difficult thing for me to come to grips with.

I finally got her home, after dragging her luggage and my own, through two airports, and putting them both in the overhead bins. I started to remember, that just a few months ago, none of this would have been possible. With the fact that I just could not think of flying and also my shoulder injury, made it impossible to lift bags up. I now could see the Lord’s hands and His timing.

After returning home with her, I thought, this will be great. She will get to spend time with my brother with special needs, her firstborn son. I realized that he was more capable of caring for her, than she was for him.

I had to leave the very next day for another trip. I told everyone I would be back in three days, since it was also my son’s birthday. I only had two days off, but was determined to make it back for him. He was turning 12, and this was very special.

Well, as I was sitting in the crew lounge, I received a call from another flight attendant asking if I would take her Geneva trip for my Los Angeles trip. “Of course!” Why would she even have to ask? I laughed. I have never been to Geneva, and it sure is better than the domestic trip I had.

I left on the trip and had a great time with the crew. When me and another girl returned to the hotel, we noticed on the news, that the flight that I was supposed to work, had encountered severe turbulence, and some crew members had been injured, as well as passengers. I was incredulous, as I knew that I had just traded out of this trip. No one could believe that this woman even gave that up. Now I saw the Lord’s divine protection. After being out for two years, that would have been the last thing I needed to experience.

After leaving on our flight to return to my domicile, we encountered a mechanical and had to divert to London. I started to wonder at all of this. Now I’m going to the one city, which caused so much panic for me. I asked the Lord to give me peace, and He reminded me that this was His plan for me. I had to face things which caused me to suffer, which was a lack of faith, but now He was using this experience to show me, that my faith has been strengthened to the point where, I no longer had fear.

As I arrived, I waited for the panic to begin, and it never did. I went to the hotel with my crew and put on some praise music in my room and felt His arms wrapped around me. I remembered also, stating that one day I was going to fly here again, to reclaim, what was lost. To face those demons which tried to shake my faith and make me run in fear. Now I’m standing strong and trusting in Him only.

I had missed my son’s birthday and this made me sad. I was also assigned to another trip, which gave me one day off. I asked scheduling to give me something which would allow me to come up later so I could commute.

I came home to spend time with my son, daughter, mother and brother. In a mad rush, my son helped me make some dishes for them to eat while I was gone. Deciding to be prudent, I thought, I am going up the night before. But instead of taking a nonstop, I wanted a few extra hours with my family, so opted to fly a double commute to New York first.

All was well, on the way up. On the little segment to Washington, however, I got on the plane, only to be taken off, because another jumpseater, had arrived. This was the last flight to Washington. “Oh, this is great, now I’m going to have to spend the night here in this crew lounge again, since I’m not going to a hotel for a few hours, and I don’t have a crash pad.

I decided to call my very good sister in the Lord. She’s a flight attendant out of New York and she’s like an angel in my life. Her phone was off,so I told her I’m stuck in New York and I’m going to the crew lounge. After getting over there, I was in the office for a few minutes, trying desperately to figure out Plan B, when in she walks! She’s laughing as she states, “I can’t believe your here!”

I told her on the phone call to her, “I realize this is the Lord, in my life, because I was based in New York when I went through the London incident, and have not been back to the domicile since, nor London. In a matter of days, the Lord took me back to show me how far I’ve come.

Her and I were both in the crew lounge and after trying another flight, I was bumped again at 6am. I went back downstairs and her and I had a special time together. I said, “You know,maybe I should transfer back here.” “You should! We could fly together and share my crash pad! Come back!” I laughed and said, “I cannot believe all os this is happening, but now I know nothing comes to me without going through the Father’s hands, good or bad.”

Now, I can look at the situation with my mother, brother, my job, and feel no fear, knowing that Christ is the one who strengthen’s me. It’s totally supernatural.

I am now trying on yet another, flight, and well,all I can say is, He knows what He’s doing, and if I stand or if I fall, I belong to Him!

It’s Bittersweet…


I was in San Francisco yesterday and woke to a call from my mother. In a panic, once again, she had to be calmed down by me. I had received calls from her for the past three days. Miserable at the move to another part of the country, she wanted me to come and get her. I had discussed the idea of her moving and told her last winter, that I was not in agreement. Now, she lives near family, who seems to treat her as if she is a burden.

I am the one she calls when she needs reassurance. I feel helpless when she does this and told her so. I said, “Mom, I’m just back at work for the first time in a long time, and this is very upsetting to me. I promise I will come and get you, but I must work out this schedule first.”

After talking with her for a while, she seems calm again. She tells me, “I just need to talk to you and you make me feel better.” Well, I’m glad,” I tell her, but meanwhile, I’m now stressed. Thanks mom.

I decide to take a walk on the streets of downtown San Francisco. This would leave me more depressed to see all of the homeless. Is it my imagination, or is the homeless population growing rapidly? I watch and listen as two women begin to get into a shouting match on the sidewalk right in front of me. I smell the pungent odor of skunk, which can only mean pot, everywhere I turn. The woman screams back, “As soon as I’m done smoking, I’ll be down there!”

Geesh! By that time, I’m thinking she will be too wasted to even care. I’m saddened when I think of the mission, I was on to find a long-lost friend while on a layover once. I heard she’d been out on the streets and I promised her mother I would try to find her. Even the people at the front desk asked, “Are you sure you want to go down there?” When I’d given them her last known address. “Oh, well, its daytime, it shouldn’t be a problem,” they told me.

I walked to the address given, only to find, it didn’t exist. I assumed she had just given her mother this, to make her feel better.

Alas, as I was checking out of my hotel, I received a phone call from a mutual friend of ours. “I found out where Grace is,”she said. She’s in the hospital and she’s dying of hepatitis.” “Oh, my gosh! I told her I would now have to wait until I arrived home and return. Her and I made plans to fly back when we got the news that she had died.

I hurt for her mother and for her. She was at one time, so talented and extremely intelligent, however, she was enslaved to drugs.

Now I am looking around me and seeing this beautiful city, with the ugliness of every sin you can think of, taking it hostage. As I was walking into a diner, a homeless man held out his paper cup and asked, “Do you have any change? “No man, I sure don’t,” I told him. And not being dishonest at all. I had a couple of dollars, and a card. He said, “Well bless you and maybe on your way out.”

As I sat waiting for my order, I watched him and thought of my friend. Just trying to get by and begging was no longer, beneath her. She needed whatever she was in bondage to, and I prayed for this man, as I would have my friend.

I continued to watch as people just walked by without looking at him. The people leaving the diner, would occasionally put something into his cup, yet without acknowledging him as a person. Almost as if they were tossing out some trash.

Now, after paying my bill, I walked out and put a dollar in his cup. “Oh! Bless you!” He said. I looked at him and asked, “How many people actually look at you? He shrugged, “Not many.”  “Well,” I told him. I’ve been watching and praying for you. Do you know the word tells us to “entertain strangers, for in so doing, you are entertaining angels unaware. Now, who is the angel?” He said, “You!” Well, I don’t know if it’s me or it’s you,” I told him, but I want you to use the money you get in a worthy manner. “Yes, ma’am.” Of course he may or may not. I just felt grief for him. “I’m also going to tell you that the Lord is coming soon.” At this he reached out and gave me a big hug. It was so sweet and the thought crossed my mind, “I wonder when a friend or family member last hugged this man.”

Of course he could have just said anything, however, I believe in the power of Christ and His message to all men. He can heal and deliver in an instant. And couldn’t it be that just maybe, this man is one of the Lord’s angels, as well?

Yes, I’ve walked a tough road, and anyone who chooses to be part of my life, must accept my baggage and walk down this road with me. But everyone has baggage, and if they think that they don’t, I’m more concerned about them.

I walked back and saw a young woman sitting over a styrofoam container, eating whatever was in it, as if she was a dog. Another man walked up and looked into it, as if he wanted some and she covered it immediately. I wanted to cry.

I don’t see these lost souls as any different from men on Wall Street, who have deceived themselves into believing they are their own creator. The only difference is that for these street people, drugs and alcohol is what they use, to medicate their pain and keep them in their self-deception. For others it is money, fame, or anything other than the Lord.

Yes, I’m prepared to continue to go through stuff, and at times, I’m overwhelmed. Then I hear His voice. Reminding me that He had suffered and died, “to destroy the works of the devil.” This is why I remind others, that He is coming soon.

I know that I am one who has experienced more than most, as far as suffering is concerned. But when a total stranger can make me cry, I understand the purpose of the pain.  I will not numb myself and I will not blind my eyes.

It’s my life, my purpose, my calling. “To set the captives free!”

Stop! In the Name of Love!!


Here it is; the story of the woman scheduled for execution by stoning. Yes, believe it or not, it still exists. But although the Iranian’s still practice this, it is not found as a law in the Quran, strangely enough. As I posted earlier, it was in the Jewish laws and practiced thousands of years ago, but then everything changed. What happened to change this law? Grace had come, in the form of Jesus Christ.  He was the substitute. He took our beatings, “by his stripes we are healed.” He took the public humiliation and the death that was meant for us.(Isaiah 53) “The punishment that was meant to bring us peace, was upon Him!

Now there is an outcry from the international communities about this poor womans’ sentence. Of course it’s outrageous to believe that a culture can still practice such barbaric acts and especially for a sin, which seems to be the norm in our present day. In fact it is almost glorified in some cultures. The punishment truly does not meet the crime.

But, this shows you that people who have no hope, stand judged by the law. It is a terrible thing, and all who judge others by these laws, shall themselves be judged accordingly. Perhaps not on this side  of eternity, but the Great Judgment Throne, where they will see the only True Judge, our Holy God and without the Advocate, Jesus Christ, as the mediator, their pleas will be in vain.

We stand accused of sin. Period. End of Story. The punishment by our Holy God, who could not even look upon His Son, when He bore our sins….is death. But it is eternal death.

This is why we cling to Christ, the one who made restitution for all mankind. This is also why He could say to the woman, being dragged to her imminent death, “Where are  your accusers?”

Pray for this woman, and all of those who are still being subjected to these laws. Pray that they will see the truth and the grace that sets them free! This is love, “Greater Love Has No Man, than He lays down His life for a brother.”

This is what our Savior has done for us…all in the name of Love!

The “Days of Lawlessness” Has Arrived!


Listening to a news story on this violent group called, Sovereign Citizen’s, has made me very aware that we are indeed, living in the ‘times of the end.’

One of the signs that our Lord spoke of, was lawlessness being the temperature of the people and the nations. What has happened as a result of the corrupt practices from those whom we are to trust? People decide for themselves, that those in authority are no longer worthy of trust, so they take the laws into their own hands. Vigilantism, and total anarchy is the road we are on. The sad thing is that there are some in authority whom, we can trust, however, taking the laws and throwing them away is rebellion, and as you know our God has already told us that, “rebellion is as witchcraft,” and this is an abomination to Him.

Yes, we have seen many men and women in government and law enforcement, who have done terrible things to dishonor these positions. However, it is not our place to ‘overthrow,’ the system.

We must recognize that our God is the one who has placed these people in these positions, and whether it be to test them or to use them to fulfill His plans, we are not to come against them. He will deal with those in authority in His own time. He “hardened the heart of Pharoah, in order to bring the deliverance which He had planned. But our Lord always has mult-purpose plans, which we cannot always understand.

I watched in horror, as the news clip showed the murder of police officers, by the members of this group, and they felt completely justified in doing this. In scripture the Lord is very clear about His followers and our place.

“Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate,  and to show true humility to all men. (Titus 3:1,2)

Of course this doesn’t mean that you do whatever someone in authority tells you to do. If you know it is wrong or if you know this person is using his/her authority in an abusive manner, it is absolutely your right to speak up. However, it is not your right to take revenge. This is why Titus reminds us that our heart must be one of humility. It is pride, the opposite of humility, which makes us take the laws into our own hands.

It was the same rebellion that began in the Garden of Eden. This is why witchcraft is such an abomination to God. Once people begin to understand, that witchcraft and Satanism, is not someone casting spells. It is exercising self-will, over God’s will. And we must understand that by our own desires to dictate the rules, and turn away from God, we are all practicing evil. Anton Levy, the man who stared the Satanic Church i San Francisco, and also authored the Satanic Bible, stated it very clearly, and it is the only truth he speaks, “Do As Thou Wilt, It Is the Whole of the Law.” This is the creed of the Satanist, but it is the creed of anyone who has turned away from God. So you see? You don’t have to have horns and a pitchfork, or a pointy hat with a caldron to be considered, a Satanist. Now combine this with a government of rulers, who have turned away and tried to abolish Him from our laws. Well, you get the picture and it isn’t good.

In the Garden, the question the serpent posed to Eve was, “did God really say that? He was planting the seed of doubt about God’s word and thereby implying that she was the final authority. She should exercise her own will, and of course we know from scripture, Adam followed. Since, He was given authority over the woman, all of creation fell into rebellion.

Now, we see, the link of that corruption and its devastating spiral downward. And if man refuses to submit to God, it will continue to degrade. A man who believes he has no authority but himself is lost. As the Lord says, “a man who is wise in his own eyes, is a fool!”

Yes, there is an order. A perfect order. But the ruling authorities have forgotten this principle when trying to remove the Ruler of All, from the game plan. If they cannot submit to Him, corruption will be seated on the throne. And it is at this point that all of mankind will, go their own way.

If anarchy is to be avoided, God must be the Head. His word is the final authority and we would understand that to submit to our rulers and authorities is not a burden, for they represent Him!

This is how our nation began. Sadly, it is a far cry from its beginning. The bright light for me, as a believer, is the Lord’s promise….”And when you see all of these things, Look up! Your redemption is near!”

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