Being a mother at 5


I try to search for answers. I am amazed and sad at the same time.

My mother, who started out with trauma as a young woman, has never experienced anything else in her life.
Losing her son when he was just a baby and divorcing at the same time. Having six other children to deal with and another two that were mentally challenged with cerebral palsy. This was caused from birth complications.
The culmination of these events put her into a hospital and I, being the oldest capable child, inherited the position of mother.
My mother has had more trauma since then, and we have all learned to be resilient, since it wasn’t just her grief, but our own that we had to bear.
My sister reminded me of how childlike my mother is and totally dependent on us. Although she will never say that…it is a fact.
My sister also reminded me that “although three of us, raised mom, we didn’t do a very good job!” lol I thought that hilarious, but the reality is that it’s true.
I know this, yet seem unable to see others as manipulating me. Although I can see it being done to them and it makes me angry. I don’t feel this sense of anger when someone does it to me.
Does that seem odd? I know if I was watching someone else enduring all that I have endured, I would say, “why doesn’t she do something about that? It’s obvious that they are taking advantage of her kindness? Yet, I am always reminded that the word, “co-dependent” is not found in the bible.
So, this is how I have learned to live. Is it a bad thing? I don’t know. I always ask the Lord to show me
An example of a situation in my life. I shared that a few months ago, I helped my mom pack boxes and get her apartment ready for a move. She was dead set on moving to another state, even though I didn’t feel good about the whole situation. I ended up being stuck in Milwaukee because of a snowstorm and I felt this was the Lord showing me that I could help my mother.
I could see that she was in a lot of pain and she complained of her leg hurting her. I asked if she was going to the doctor and she assured me that as soon as she arrived at her destination, she would have an appointment.
Of course the people who were supposed to show up and help her move did not show up. My brother and cousin and I did all the work.
I was so upset about this whole move, that I cried. My mom seemed so frail and I would massage her legs for her and try to care for her so she’d be comfortable All this in addition to her name-calling. Yes, she’s very argumentative and will come out with names such as “stupid,” all the time. It’s something I’ve been accustomed to. She had a slew of names for me as I was growing up. and she never notices the hurt. Although at one point when she stated, “I would have rather had all boys than any girls” I think she saw the hurt on my face.
I just chalk this up to her problems she’s had since we were children. I realize I can’t become a boy and more than she can stop saying these things.
So, the other day, to receive a phone call from her, was rare. What was even more rare is that she was saying she absolutely could not stand the pain she was in, and she needed help. She also stated that she no longer wanted to live in this state that she so recently moved to.
I asked why, my sister had not taken her to the doctor and she told me that she didn’t have insurance. I had to tell her, “you do have insurance with your Medicare, and besides, I don’t care if you do or not, you need to get to the doctor!” I realized that it just wasn’t happening unless I made an appointment for her.
I Googled the offices in her area and made the call. I made the appointment and was told I had to get her to sign a medical release and fax it to her other doctor in Wisconsin. All the time while I’m wondering, why hasn’t this been taken care of already?
When I made my repeated phone calls back to her, she kept stating, “I’m ready to move! I can’t stand this anymore!” I reminded her that she had always been welcome to live with me and I had thought it the better choice since I’m in Florida. But she had been here years ago and didn’t want to stay. I suspect it was because my nephew, whom she had raised, was living in Wisconsin.
I told her, “Mom, you can have the guest room or I can even convert the family room, if you can’t go up and down the stairs.” “You can? What about the furniture?” “Listen, furniture is nothing, I’ll just sell it or move it.”
Then she asked about her things. I honestly wouldn’t have moved anything from that apartment she lived in, but it seemed every piece of junk meant something to her. She also seems to think that furniture has some hidden value. I had to tell her, “Mom, there is no way, I’m going to rent a truck and move all that, if you decide to come. You just need to go through your sentimental items and we can ship them. But furniture isn’t worth the price you pay to move it.” (Especially hers)
She seemed to understand and agree….that is-until the following day.
Yes, this is the bi-polar mom kicking in. I call her the next day and she tells me, “You know, I’ve been thinking, I am not leaving any of my stuff here!” “Mom, I told you I’d help you move, but there is no way, I’m doing that with a truck. You just did that and it wasn’t worth moving that stuff once, let alone twice!”
“Also, ” she goes on, I’m not living with anyone. I want my own apartment.” “Ok, mom, this just isn’t going to work. There are community buses in the area that come right to the house and will take you anywhere you want to go.” “Oh, you mean for old people?” “Oh, my gosh, mom! They are for anyone, especially if a person can’t get around! Stop being so critical!”
“I’m not being critical, but I can get around!” “What? Are you now telling me that your leg is better?” “Yes, it’s feeling better,” she tells me. well, why don’t I just cancel that doctor’s appointment I made for you?” Now she backs down. “Well, I don’t always expect it to feel like this!” When I was visiting her, she could barely walk from the living room to the bathroom and my sister told me that she advised her to use a shopping cart to steady her weight, since what she really needs is a cane, but heaven forbid! That’s for old people! And hey, 80 is still quite young. Perhaps middle age. I’m sure 160 is the average lifespan for a person.
So, now I have her dictating to me, what and how she’s going to move and where she’s going to live. She starts arguing with me and I have to remind hr that I am taking care of my special needs brother and her two grandchildren as well. I brought my brother to live with me because I didn’t feel he was getting the best care in the place he was in, yet this is my mom’s first-born son, and she doesn’t seem to think about this. I know there is a lot of denial she’s living with, but once again, the hurt lands on me. And once again, I tell myself, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. Don’t take it personally.
Yes, if anyone has parents like this, you know how difficult it is. I didn’t grow up in a home where my mother lavished affection on me or praised me for any accomplishments. I had to fight against all the odds of listening to her prophesies of failure over me. The hurt and pain of dealing with a mother who needs our help, yet never acknowledges what we do for her. Instead, with one demand that is unmet, she will criticize.
I know she’s like a child and it’s her own hurt that causes her to hurt others. But as a child, we don’t really process this understanding of personalities. Now as an adult, I realize how serious a role, we play in our children’s lives. It has been my only desire to see her comfortable in these years of her life and she almost seems to gravitate to misery. Perhaps this I will never understand.
My prayer is that I will not become like this and will always acknowledge my children for their strengths, not their weakness. This is the fertile soil that allows self-confidence to grow.
I am of the belief that her mother treated her this way, and I do not wish to repeat this cycle.
I love her in spite of all of her shortcomings and my prayer is that one day she will be healed of her emotional pains as well as her physical.

Our Hearts Cry Out To You Lord!

Thy Will Be Done

“Snowmaggedon,” “earthquake in Northern Illinois,” all headlines of this morning’s news.

Wow, if a person didn’t know any better, they might take these warnings seriously. Well, if a person was in Gods Word, he would take this seriously. But sadly, the warnings are left largely unheeded. These are small wakeup calls for the world. God loves us and is trying to call us back from disaster. A people that have largely ignored Him and tried to replace Him with mute gods which cannot save. He has mourned for us, His children, yet we go about our daily lives believing what we are is a direct result of our own greatness. Yes, the clay has formed itself. This is just how preposterous we are as a people. We just exploded into being and everything miraculously came together to exist! Isn’t it all so wonderful and ridiculous?

My son is 11, and when he hears this Big Bang Theory, laughs. It is just as silly to him as it should be to any logical thinking person. This is just an effort to nullify Gods existence. And now when the matter, that created itself, starts to fly, man runs for cover, crying out, “Oh God, who does not exist….Save us!”

Yes, people hear what they want to hear. They may even give God a cursory nod, yet, they don’t want to hear anything that doesn’t line up with their own desires.

Prayer, the powerful force which God has given to us, is used mostly by people as a means to make God do our bidding. We use it as “MY will be done!”

I had a friend who was full of grief that her husband was in Egypt on a work assignment. She just knew that he was having an affair. She had two young boys at home and suspected her husband was being unfaithful and she asked me what I thought she should do. She wanted to fly to Egypt and confront him. Well, I’m certainly not going to be responsible for this decision, so I told her, “You need to pray about that. I will pray as well. The Lord will most certainly give you an answer.”

She had no relationship to speak of, with the Lord, but I was trusting that He would make Himself known to her, through this request. He had proven Himself in this same manner, in my own life, when I offered up the simple prayer, “God, if you’re real, you will make sure I’m with my brother when he dies.” There was no denying, at the final consummation of this request, that He indeed, does exist and longs to reveal Himself to those, “who diligently seek Him.”

Well, as is usually the case, we seek Him when we are in dire circumstances. It does not matter to Him, and is the reason that we are allowed to experience these things in the first place.

As, my girlfriend and I parted ways. I was faithful to pray for her that evening and ask God to reveal His will for her regarding her situation. I awoke to my phone ringing at 8am and she was frantic. “Have you seen the news?!” “No,” I answered. Still rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to brew some coffee just to engage in this conversation.

“Oh my gosh! Turn on your tv! There has just been a major earthquake in Cairo!!” She said. “Well then, I guess the Lord is showing you His will, since it’s apparent you cannot even fly in there right now.” “Yes, she concluded. I’ve been trying to reach Jim and cannot even get through on a phone line.” Now this was in the early 90’s and cell phones were not used often.

I spoke with her for a while longer about Gods desire for her and I was positive that He was giving her a sure sign as an answer to prayers. This is why I was shocked to learn that a few weeks later, she decided to board a plane anyway, and make the trip to an earthquake ravaged country. But what she told me next make me laugh, in spite of its seriousness.

“Listen,” she said. “I decided to go to Cairo after I thought things seemed to settle down.” “What?! Can’t you hear God, even when He shows you something this obvious?” “Well, I just had to know if he was cheating on me! So I boarded a plane and when we were halfway there, we got a call from the cockpit that our plane was being hijacked!” “Oh, my gosh! You have got to be kidding!” “Nope, as soon as it happened all I could think of is, I should have listened to God!”

Well, she told me that they ended up landing and arresting the guy, yet her mother was frantic as she’d seen it on the news. I just had to ask, “Did God really have to dump the whole load of bricks on your head? I mean I don’t see dramatic answers that often, but the first warning should have been more than enough.”

It certainly made me think of the story of the person standing on their roof in a flood and the passing boat and helicopter that was trying to rescue, was ushered aside, so the person could “hear from the Lord, only to have the Lord tell them when they died, “Hey, I sent a boat and a helicopter! What else did you want me to do?”

This friend epitomized that story, and yes, what she suspected had indeed taken place. The outcome was pain and heartache and eventually a split. Yet, what did the knowledge do, that time may not have done? Only God knows. This is why we leaving the planning to Him. He alone knows the hearts of men and He can also change them.

We simply lift our needs to Him, and accept the answer that He gives. He knows all things and sees the picture from above our circumstances. So in spite of what we see happening in our world, we have the creator of the universe, as our Father, and He desires our intercession. He will move His hands with our pleas before Him. So when we walk through this “Valley of the Shadow of Death, We shall fear NO evil. For He is with us!” We need only remember, it is only the shadow. Therefore, it is not death! So cry out to Him and He will listen.

Waiting for the “holy war?” I have news for you…

We’re in it! Yes, if any of you don’t realize what has been stated about this war, it’s really very simple. Well, the war isn’t simple, but the recognizable facts are very easy to detect.

The warfare scriptures; “Ephesians 6,” are clearly pointing out to any believer, that once we’ve accepted the life Christ has given us and the sacrifice He made to offer this life was by His own blood; well, it’s a fact that we too are now signing up for battle. Yes the enemy hates us By us, I mean, Gods creation. He is a created being, but his fall from grace has exempted him from any avenue to eternity, so Satans plans are to take us out as well.

It’s not difficult for Satan to use the “deceitfulness of wealth, lust of the material, to accomplish his mission Most people never realize they’re in the spiders web, until it’s too late. WAKE UP PEOPLE! The Lord is coming soon!

Now, I am engaged in warfare at the highest level, although most wouldn’t even know this That is because human beings, being just that, human, rarely understand the spiritual. You must draw very close to the Lord, to hear His voice. This means to let go of what is natural. The more we release those natural things, the more we draw close to Him. It is so important in these days, that we are in constant communication with the Lord. If you’re not hearing His voice, check your life. What is number one? He has told us how to enter into His presence, and it is “by seeking after Him and His righteousness. Then all of these other things shall be added unto us.”

The reality of this is, once we have truly tasted of His presence, nothing else really is important. There is no material thing that can offethe same joy and satisfaction. It all seems empty after this experience.

We are here on this earth for a reason. It’s not to become wealthy and have recognition from man. It is to glorify our Father. He desires relationship with us, as He established in the Garden of Eden. Because the enemy of our souls had broken this, we are engaged in constant warfare with him, until the day the Lord returns for us. I war not just for myself, but for those who “have been blinded by the enemy, so they cannot see the truth. They have been taken captive by him, in order to do his will.” Yes people have a will of their own, but they can continue to open the door to these dark spirits and because their will is choosing this, “The Lord will turn them over, to their reprobate minds.”

So this is where I come in. I, and a host of intercessors. We constantly battle the enemy to “set the captives free.” Knowing the end of the story is motivating to any believer in Christ. He said, “it is finished,” long before any of us know the end of days. But of that we can be sure. He has redeemed us at the cross and our priviledge is to make this known to those who are in this prison without hope.

“The spirit and the bride say, Come Lord Jesus!”

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