I Will Trust You Lord


I carried mustard seeds around with me to remind me that all I need is this much. One seed. At times I wondered if I could stir up this much inside.

How much can I take Lord? He reminded me of all the suffering I had endured my whole life and the words my girlfriend had spoken so many years before. “You have an extremely high tolerance for pain.” Yes, I had experienced death and separation from 5 years old and through the rest of my life. Tragedy beyond description. Almost as if it were many persons lives crammed into one life. I’ve asked the Lord many times, “did you mix this thing up somehow?”Barely having a chance to breathe between segments until the next episode, yet I have enough strength to have compassion. This is the message that He gives me. I have the ability to know when others have empathy and when they have such evil hearts that they just have no love in them at all. This is the spirit that I seem to be dealing with a lot lately.

Now I seem exasperated at times and woman told me to look up this song  that ministered to me. It is the battle and yet I am a child that longs to run away when I’m wounded and cry. The enemy knows my achilies heel and he certainly seemed to find it recently. He searches and reopens the scabs of something we think has long healed. Digging deep in something that will never heal completely and burning you with it until you feel your breath leaving you. He doesn’t want to kill you…he wants to torture you.  A reminder. Reminding us of our loved ones lost or things we’ve done wrong. The Lord tells us, “he stands before the Lord night and day accusing the saints.”  We know we have an advocate in Christ, but it still hurts. This is what the enemy of your soul loves to do, because all he loves is evil. When he opens his mouth, all that comes forth are lies, mixed with just enough truth to be poison. It sickens you when you when he comes near you. He works through flesh and his fingerprints are evident in this world in the destruction he’s bringing in these last days. It’s his last party and he’s not going down without taking souls with him.

Now I’m in a battle and I think of how I have taken a stand for truth and integrity, yet am being made to appear as if I’ve done something wrong. I have run through streets with bombs exploding, been in a hotel for six days, terrified during 9/11, while my colleagues were killed, had my base closed with only so much as a letter given to us while we were on a trip and our pensions just taken away and now even my own union is pretending they don’t know anything about what happened to us. They are just trying to usher me out the door as they did my father before he took his own life. Men doctoring the computers to steal the pensions from the employees in his company and forcing them into early retirement. It was too late for my father before they exposed these people for this scam.

Everyone just turns their heads away as if they know nothing and I’m forced to pay for a membership in this club. It’s the mob all over again. Isn’t that the definition of racketeering? Paying for protection from a threat that they are creating? Well I’m thinking that this is a serious crime then isn’t it? Oh no, that’s right. I’m the crazy one! Don’t take instructions from me..I never follow the masses. Remember standard procedure.

I go the narrow way, few will find it. The path that does NOT lead to destruction!!!

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