How Does God Speak?


In every hidden thing you can see His beauty
In every hidden thing you can see His beauty
Search for Him in the stillness of the moment

Search for Him in the stillness of the moment

Everything that I could learn packed into that ball
Everything that I could learn packed into that ball

So many people marvel at this when true believers share what the Lord speaks to us, but really it shouldn’t surprise them. God did not stop speaking. Did the God that created the heavens and the earth and everything in it, stop performing miracles and speaking to His people? Absolutely not. If there is a problem then, it would be with the one hearing, wouldn’t it?

God speaks in many different ways. The prophet, Elijah had desired to hear from the Lord and told Him that he also wanted to experience His visitation. The Lord granted this and he told him to “stand on the mountain and wait.”
Well, of course, God being God, sent a powerful wind, tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks. But it says, “The Lord was not in the wind.”
Hey, I don’t know about you, but that would be just about enough for me. I might be saying, “you know Lord, I think I’m OK, with our little, whisper chats.”
But, Elijah just stood firm, and after that an earthquake. Then if that was not enough, a fire.
OK, there isn’t a Hollywood production big enough, sorry Mel Gibson, that could compete with that. Where was He?
It says, in I Kings19:12, “after the fire, came a whisper.”
What’s more interesting is what the Lord asked, “what are you doing here Elijah?”
Geesh! The poor prophet, already told the Lord, he was zealous for the Lord and wanted to be in His presence and now he had to have the crap scared out of him and the Lord asks basically, “what are you doing here?”
I think it’s really quite profound. The Lord wants to hear that we desire His presence and will do anything to be in His presence. Yet, if a person is not hearing His voice, what is the reason?
The Lord does not need you to go to church. He does not need your labels and rituals. He wants to hear what Elijah spoke to him and He asked him to reiterate it. “I’m zealous for you, Lord!”
I find it comical when someone claims to be a believer in Christ, yet they don’t have any relationship at all with Him. I think of what it states in James 2:19, “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that-and shudder.”
So I guess that just qualifies one to be a demon. Hey, the demons are pretty zealous, especially when a true believer comes walking into their presence! All hell breaks loose and they don’t want anything to do with a Christian that knows what power and authority that they carry when they walk into a room.  Because if you recall, the Lord stated, “all power and authority that I have, I give to you.” Oh, unless you thought that was just those 12 guys, in which case you haven’t been studying one bit, since there were a lot more disciples than that and lets not forget about Pentecost. Hmmm, challenging some religious code aren’t I???? No, that power didn’t die with those people way back then. Get out of your pews and find out. I dare you.
Now in trying to understand how the Lord speaks to us, we should explore our relationship with our earthly father. You share moments together and have dialogue. You have a desire to hear what your father has to say and if he is gone it is so important to look at his writings to you.
I was just looking at my own father’s notes and letters to me the other day and comparing the similarity of the Bible to this experience.
If God being our own creator, wants to convey a message of love to His own children, don’t you believe that this would be the most important way to build on your relationship, since He authored His own words?If you say that you believe in God to be great enough to have created the universe, then don’t you also believe He could have edited His own unique book for you. Something that is perfect and filled with His love?
 He says in His word that “faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.”(Romans 10″17)
Another way that the Lord speaks to us is through natural circumstances and they are signs of the spiritual. “The natural speaks of things eternal.”
If you have the spiritual eyes to see and the ears to hear, you should be able to discern what the Lord is telling you. Sometimes it is difficult when you’ve become inundated with the world and this is exactly what happened to me. The Lord used some very unique and extraordinary circumstances to speak to me.
He did not reveal this to me until much later, however, as some would say, it was similar to a proverbial “ton of bricks.”
I went to a ball last year for a fund raiser and had hoped that some friends were going to be able to come with me. As I saw that not one of them were coming along, I decided to go anyway. It was the “Discovery Ball.” The name itself should have been a clue, that the Lord was going to show me something, however, I was not walking strong with the Lord. I had been stumbling and stumbling hard. All kinds of darkness around me.
At any rate, I decided to go to this ball and it was to be the beginning of a nightmare unfolding.
A friend of mine let me use her house and she was out of town. I didn’t arrive at this ball until quite late in the evening. As I left, a couple told me that they would be happy to direct me to the ramp, back to my destination.
I started driving and as I was going back, all of a sudden traffic came to a standstill. I had no idea what was going on and all lanes were in complete hold. Everyone started beeping there horns and I was tired. It was about 3:00am.
We sat and sat, and no one seemed to know what was going on. Finally the woman in the car next to me, radioed someone ahead and found out that a truck jackknifed across the freeway and stopped all traffic. I was cold. In a long gown with just a jacket. To add to the whole mess, I thought these people sent me in the wrong direction.
I roll down my window and ask the woman, is this the right way to ‘such and such?” I could almost see her smirk, but she probably knew I would jump through the window, evening gown and all….”No” She says. You have to turn around.
Oh great, I’m wondering how long this is going to take. Well, I tried to get comfortable and sleep and so did everyone else. I tried to muster up the spiritual crumbs I had for my Lord and ask, “what is all this about?” I still couldn’t hear anything. I’m thinking, I have a nice house to stay at, and I’m sleeping in a car. I’m going the wrong direction, because a truck jackknifed on the road. Plus, I had a really sucky time at that ball! I was having a blown up temper tantrum!
Then I told my friend about it and she said, she never heard of anything like that and she’s lived there all her life. “Oh, well that makes me feel a whole lot better, I said!” lol
Shortly after that I had to take a leave from my job because of serious personal reasons. This is when the Lord started to speak to me. He started to remind me of this incident. That He allowed this and it was a visual picture for me. Because we are humans that need visual pictures. When I was stronger spiritually, He said, “now you can see that you were headed the wrong direction. I will take drastic measures to turn my loved ones around. Even when you are out of work, you are being protected and I have removed you for your own good and I will strengthen you.
The Lord’s voice could be heard by me once again, because it was in the midst of my own pain and suffering that I drew close to Him. This is when He showed me what my purpose was once again. Because His “gifts and callings are irrevocable,” I had lost my way, and He had to use some painful processes to bring me back. “Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” The shepherd is always prodding the sheep to keep them on course. They are not smart animals and prone to injury if the shepherd does not protect them.
Now there is another way that He speaks to us and that is through other believers. I have been meeting with friends and I have had the benefit of prayer to help me through my times of trial.
God speaks in dreams. I have had the most profound dreams in my life and I often call them my “God dreams.” I journal them and usually I know right away what the interpretation is.
One I actually had quite a few years ago, and He spoke a word in Hebrew to me. I had to check in my Concordance when I awoke, just to see if it actually had meaning and was most amazed that indeed, the word was ‘aras’ and it means to be engaged, espoused to, or betrothed. In the dream he had taken my hand and told me, “come, we must prepare for “aras.”
How awesome is that?
I had one dream about my brother that was so incredible, that he told me if I had any more, not to tell him again! Every bit of that dream came true in due time.
Now, I had a dream, neatly tucked into my Bible, and it was from 2001. But this dream was given to me by a very dear friend of mine. She is what is known as an ‘intercessor.’ A very powerful woman of prayer. Praying on behalf of the needs of others.
I knew that this dream meant something very deep, however, was never quite sure what, and when it would come to pass. That is, until now. In the last few months the Lord opened up it’s meaning to me and I was most amazed as I called my friend and told her. “I know what your dream means. Every detail!”
As we met together, I shared with her. I told her that the Lord revealed it’s meaning and she was fascinated. She remembered when she had given it to me and couldn’t believe herself that it had such significance.
The people involved do not yet even know what the Lord has in store for them. But some powerful people are in the battle for their very souls. And this is how God works. Calling in His army to battle for people that do not even understand they are in a battle, when their spiritual lives are at stake. Spiritual warriors. Often we are perceived as their enemies. Or more often, we are just crazy. But crazy or not, we pray and pray hard, that the enemy of these people’s souls do not stand a chance against the spiritual army of the Lord, “and the gates of hell shall not prevail against us.”
The ones that they enlist for support are sometimes the ones they need to fear. Remember, we do not war against flesh and blood.
Ephesians 6 makes this very clear. We are not just a physical body and every human being should realize that the flesh is a small part of who we really are. Feed the part of you that will continue on into eternity. When you do this you will hear the voice of God.
Now the Lord says, “my sheep know me. They hear my voice and they follow me. (John 10:27)
So, that being said, we are in a very real battle. As i sat with a dear friend just the other day, sharing about my trials, she wondered at how I could endure such pain yet have such strength. I told her if it weren’t for the Lord, I couldn’t.
At this, she stated that many times she had wanted to go to church with a friend that had invited her but didn’t feel she was ready. “Why not?” I asked. “Because, I don’t think I’m good enough yet.”
At this I laughed and told her that none of us is good enough and that’s like someone trying to save enough money to have a baby! lol
It’s never gonna happen. We’re all fallen beings and Christ came to redeem us.
“Look, you are afraid, because you know He can change your life. And this is what you want so why are you waiting?”
We sat right there and prayed and after that moment she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I can’t believe it! When I saw your name on my caller ID, I knew it was something!”
“That’s because I’m the vessel and now God is speaking through me” 
I told her, “the Lord doesn’t pound down the door of your heart. He must be invited.”
And like Elijah, He wants to meet us right where we’re at, all the Lord wants to know is that we really want to meet with Him.

Will I Find Faith?

Are You Ready?me-eiffel1Yes, the Lord’s eyes roam the earth to and fro looking for people who have faith. This is what His word says, but what will He find? A form of dead ritual? A people that practice a form of religion? He doesn’t care about that. He never has. He didn’t create us to go to church and subscribe to a religion. Oh yea, Jesus died on the cross and said, “hey, Peter, go and form the Catholic religion and be a good pope and make everyone kiss your ring and bow down to you. And make a lot of wars and don’t forget to kill a lot of Jews along the way because they don’t agree with your practices. Oh, hey wait a minute…you and I are Jews aren’t we????” Hmm, forgot about that one didn’t we??? Oh, I guess a lot of people have forgotten about that and as we enter into the Passover season, they better take off that religious clothing they’re wearing and start reading what God has really said. “HEY! The bible is a HEBREW text and if you do what Jesus said to do you will “learn of him.” Oh, oh! This is quite a challenge, since even Mary herself stated that “I rejoice in giving birth to my savior.” OOPs! Did she says “savior? Meaning she needed someone to save her? Which then also means that she was not without sin. That’s right folks, no where in the bible does it say that anyone besides the savior, Jesus Christ, is without sin and to state that is blasphemy. We are not to worship anyone but him, since He is the sacrifice made for us. Mary was indeed, a woman favored among women. But no one was without sin and this was the reason that God had Jesus come to earth. Immanuel, (God dwells among us).

Now, because of this we must know that God desires to have relationship with his creation. Not a bunch of rituals that have replaced the sacrifice that Christ already made. That is negating what has been done and an abomination to Him. It is a slap in the face to God to think that we can just go on sinning and say a couple “Hail Mary’s and do it all over again. In fact, the Word of God tells us plainly that it is sacrificing Christ all over again when we continue to do this and at some point we are in danger of becoming reprobate. Meaning, God will just turn us over to our own ways, and there will be no more conscience left. As I spoke of before and it states in scripture, there are those whose conscience’s have been “seared with hot irons.” You’ve seen them. Some say they seem to have no soul. As many have said of Madoff. I disagree with that about any man. All men have a soul and can be brought back from the fires of hell. I am one that grieves for them. My calling is one of evangelism and I cry out for those that are “stumbling towards the slaughter.” I can look into their eyes and see their souls. God has given this gift to me and sometimes it hurts me. I have had this calling my whole life.

As a small girl, I remember drawing hundreds of pictures that I told my mother I wanted to take to the hospital for sick children. I was only about five years old, but remember instinctively, that I had a calling on my life. I remember my father, taking me to Sunday school and feeling the presence of God. So intimate and His touch in my life. All through my life He would protect me from the horrors that I was to experience. Death and separation was around me from a young age, yet I always knew that the Lord was holding me up and had called me to something and as I poured out compassion to other’s, He filled me with His own. Sending messengers of compassion to me. Angels of mercy to help me through my time of need.

When I started to really understand how to walk with Him and listen to Him, I realized that you must speak to others about His promises. This pleases God. He wants you to tell others so that He can “watch over His word to perform it.” Of course you will appear crazy. I started to enjoy this aspect of it as well, because to the nonspiritual you will always appear crazy, but then this is exactly what will bring them to faith in the end.

When I started to understand prayer and how to stand on His promises, I just started working for my company in 1990. I was also based in San Francisco and commuting to Miami. I had a small daughter and had quite a few roommates. It was difficult, yet I tried not to complain. I had been getting very involved in my bible teachings and my roommates wanted to hear about them. They were fascinated. I was amused that I was actually drawing a crowd as I shared with my roommates. They would even have some of their friends come from other apartments to listen to my teachings. I was in prayer one morning when the Lord actually spoke something to me that I wondered about. “If you continue to serve me, I will open a base for you in Miami.” What is that supposed to mean, I wondered? Then I thought, is that me? Well, it couldn’t be, because I wasn’t thinking about it and I wrote it down in my journal.

I came home and told my husband about this and he had a prayer group with some men and they said they were going to keep this in prayer. I came back and I had found a church to go to in San Jose, called Jubilee Christian Center. One evening, all of my friends told me that they wanted to go to this church with me. Well, I thought that was a miracle in itself. What in the world would all of these wild and crazy girls, want to go to church for? I laughed. “Are you sure? It’s quite a drive.” Yes! They were all excited, as if they were going to a concert. Well, we all piled in a couple cars and went.

This church was like the wildest church ever and the music was incredible. They were almost doing backflips down the aisle, they were so excited! lol My friends were totally digging it and when they had an altar call my eyes were closed, but all I felt was a “swish, swish, swhish, and I looked up and all these girls were in the front of the church. Well, me knowing what heathens they were, I thought, “that’s not gonna stick!” lol Yea, the Lord had to deal with me later about that. But when we got back they were all so excited that I couldn’t contain them. Something miraculous had happened and it was spiritual. I wasn’t in control and the Lord reminded me that I was just the vessel. It was the promise starting to unfold.

Now these girls started getting ‘plugged in’ to this church as I continued my commute. I was amazed. One started going on mission trips to Russia. Another met a man in the singles group and ended up marrying him.

Well, me being bold and crazy, told my supervisor one day. I said, “Hey, Gayle you know we’re going to have a base in Miami.” She started cracking up. Which of course made me even bolder still. “Now what makes you say something like that?” Well,” I said, I was praying and the Lord told me that He’s going to open a base in Miami.” Of course she stared at me with the, this poor girl has just lost it, eyes, and said, “listen, if anything we will open a base in Orlando, because we have maintenance facilities there, but not in Miami.” “Hmmm, I said, I don’t think so. He said, Miami.” I told her, you know, Pan Am is in the same shape that Eastern was in. I think they’ll declare bankruptcy and  our company will probably purchase the  South American routes from Pan Am and open the base in Miami.  Then I  left. I can’t say that the Lord told me exactly how He was going to do this but the words came out of my mouth because I could see this happening.

Gayle was so sweet, but she had no faith at that time. I can’t say that now and it was the reason for our encounter, that I know. Everything would take place in it’s time for her benefit. This is how important a person’s soul is to the Lord.

A month later I transferred to New York. There I met my friend from training. Her and I shared the same name. We had the same initials. They hated it in training because we sat together all the time and it was so confusing to them. We buddy bid together and flew together all the time. I saw her transformation take place as well. She told me one day she wanted to commit her life to Christ. I made her understand that Gods promises would be opened up to her when she let go of those things she was holding on to so tightly that were not from HIm. She ended up moving out of the apartment she shared with a man she didn’t love and it wasn’t until she did this that she met an incredible man of God. They adopted some children from Russia.

Now, there was a press release that Delta had purchased the routes from Pan Am and I was very disappointed. I felt my flesh creeping in and I cannot lie. I was upset with God. “What is happening? You promised me.” I felt very whiny and sad. Like I was having a temper tantrum. Yes, as children of God, we do that a lot. We think we know the plan and we don’t. But God wants to see that we have faith in His promises all the time, not just some of the time. So, after I got over it, I continued to do what He wanted me to do and trust in Him.

My next trip through San Francisco, I went into my supervisor, Gayle’s office and left a note on her desk. It read, “this isn’t a done deal yet! We are still going to get those routes and we’re still going to open a base in Miami!”

Then I bumped into a girl in Denver on that same trip. She was reading a book called, “This Present Darkness.” I would recommend that book along with it’s companion book for anyone that wants to understand spiritual warfare and how real it is. I looked at her and asked her if she was a true believer. “Yes!” We started to talk and I told her about my promise and how I was telling my supervisor about this and all of my friends in San Francisco that had become believers and everything that was happening. I told her to mark my words from that day, “The Lord is going to open a base in Miami.”

I returned to my base and on my very next trip an announcement was made that Delta “pulled out of the deal with Pan Am and our company came in and announced that they were buying the South American routes below bid price. There was an announcement being made that same day that we were going to open a base in Miami.

This girl that I had only met once in Denver, I had given my phone number to and she had called my husband because she was so excited. I wasn’t home but she said, “I had to call because I met your wife in Denver and she said this was going to happen and I was talking to her about the Lord and her faith!”

Well, his faith grew too and so did all of his prayer partners since they had been praying for almost a year since I told them about this word. But the greatest thing of all was this; When I had been in San Francisco I was in this rotunda above the terminal where all the flight attendants hang out. All of a sudden I hear a scream and look up and who do I see but Gayle! She is running to me laughing and crying at the same time! She said Carrie, you said it would happen and it did! How in the world did you know??? I told her,” don’t you think God speaks the truth when He gives a promise? All you need is the faith of a mustard seed. I have way more than that!

Then Gayle asked me if I would come into her office. She shared with me that her father was very ill and asked me if I would pray for him. This was the most touching of all. A base in Miami is nothing at all compared to the souls of people as I stated. That is something for someone else and it is eternal. A base in Miami, is a selfish need and as I found out was temporary. It was a season to accomplish a purpose.

Now the lesson in faith is this. “What God speaks to you in secret, He wants you to shout from the rooftops. “For without faith it is impossible to please God. (Hebrews 11:6) Who cares if you appear silly to men? Don’t men appear silly anyway? Look at all of them right now, trying to fix the budget and the crisis that they have created themselves, all because not one of them have asked for the creator’s help in  this. That is what is silly.With what’s happening in this world right now…we can’t afford NOT to be silly!!!

The Covenant


I have been thinking about the covenant and it’s importance so much lately and the most amazing thing happened just the other day. Since I have been grieving my father and I know it’s for good reason, since he died in 1988, I believe the Lord is shaking things up and bringing hidden things to light.

Well a few years ago, I had pulled a copy of my credit report and noticed that someone had taken out a mortgage  and made me a co-buyer with them in 1998, when I knew that was impossible. I think I had already written about this in my last post.  The strangest thing was that it never been reported until 2007 on my credit report. This alarmed me and was the reason for my brother and I taking a trip to Milwaukee to find out what was happening with my father’s estate. Before leaving I went into my important documents to see what I might need.  I noticed that I had in my possession a copy of my father’s marriage license to his second wife and I would have had no way of getting that except that he would have placed that in my documents before I ever left his house.

I looked at this again the other day and wondered why he gave this to me. I certainly didn’t have a copy of my mother’s and his marriage license, nor did I want it. As I looked closer at this paper it stated that it was valid only for 30 days after issuance and in Lake County, Illinois only. What was this supposed to mean? He used to say when he was really drunk, (which was most of the time unfortunately, that he wasn’t legally married anyway. He had asked my mom to take him back repeatedly, but she wasn’t having any more of that life. My day had made his bed and that was the end of that. I loved him none the less. But his second wife had nothing in her heart for my father and that could be seen by the way she treated all of his children. She was colder than the ice cold draft’s that he drank in the Ole Lamp Inn on the night’s that he came home from work.

I believe my father was speaking from the grave, the very same words that he spoke that last night that I saw him and he wanted to make sure that I understood him loud and clear. “Give my love to your mother.” How can a man stand outside of a house that he lives in with another woman and speak such words? Yet these are the words he spoke and I will go to my grave with those words echoing in my ears and stand before the Lord as my witness, and repeat them as his last wishes. This woman never honored or respected my father, nor did her children.They mocked him at his own funeral and tormented us not only in our lives but on that day.And if he knew what they did he would have been furious.

 I adored my father and did whatever he asked, and that included when he had asked me to humble myself and make up to her just to have a relationship with my father.I bit the bullet and did it all because of him. But the minute he was gone she knew that those ties were as well.

After my father died, my brother went to her home and she stood at the screen door and stated, “now that your father’s dead, there’s no reason to continue a relationship with you or your family.” He said, “I’d like to see my grandma!” (Who happened to live with her at the time.) She said, “well, she doesn’t want to see you either.” “What? Is that true ,grandma?” “Yes, that’s true,” She said. So much for loving my father!

This woman then single handedly proceeded to destroy every relationship we had with our aunts and we were never allowed access to them again. I don’t know what she said about us, but we were the only bloodline of my father’s and she probably lied about all of us in order to sustain the broken relationships. I’m sure it was all about money. But nevertheless, they all had freedom of choice and they made the decision to cut us off. Never asking us any questions at all. This woman had no children related to my father, yet they believed whatever she told them.

When my son was born, I tried to send them all pictures of him and said that my father would want them all to know their nephew and would be very hurt about this, yet not one of them contacted me.

Now, as I said the covenant means something very powerful to the Lord. It cannot be broken. It is spiritual and it’s a bond made in heaven and although people make it lightly, he speaks of it in a powerful way. He is the author of the covenant between two people. He says, “Whatever is bound in heaven is bound on earth and whatever is loosed in heaven is loosed on earth.” He speaks about two or more gathering together in His name. The power that is drawing from heaven that cannot be seen, yet blessings and curses come from this power and people that have no spiritual understanding enter into these agreements every day. Business transactions that they take for granted. They open up the heaven lies and warfare takes place and they wonder, what is happening?

It’s would be almost comical, if it weren’t so tragic. If human beings could just get a grasp on what they were doing spiritually we would not be in such a mess right now. The blessings and the curse are in the power of these covenants.

I was taken into  covenants treacherously and now have had to suffer along with the people that have taken me into them. Yet, these people have no idea what they have done. They just continue to go on with their corrupt ways and think that they will not have to give account for their actions. But the Lord does hold them accountable. And to those of us that are sensitive in the spirit, he reveals the most amazing things, long before they happen. And the Lord will hold the people at the very highest level accountable, because they are the ones that hold the power, yet they still try to hide behind the weakest ones. He will deal with them.

Now even in my marriage, my ex husband made vows to my father and he broke those vows and when vows are broken the bride returns to her father. But my father is no longer here, so I have a deep pain in my soul. A longing for my father, because I remember my walk with him down the aisle as he gave me away. And now I always remember his last kiss goodbye. My father could never do anything that would take my love away. And I sense that this evil woman lied to everyone and told them that his own children did not love him. But my father and I shared a special bond. One that no one could take away. His wife wanted her daughter to have that bond, but she couldn’t have it, because she wasn’t his daughter. I was. She was always trying to be me, but she couldn’t be me. I was his birthright and she was the impost er. I was the daughter of covenant. It was like Ishmael and Isaac. But this woman was Hagar. She was always trying to force a covenant that was false. Yet even Ishmael had a bloodline to Abraham, where this girl does not. She is no relation to my father whatsoever, and although at one point I used to feel a sense of pity for her, I lost it long ago.  At some point you cross over from being one of the deceived to becoming the deceiver. How can a bad tree bear good fruit? I could see it plainly when I lived in this house. This woman and her two daughter’s always conspiring to do evil. It was an abomination. My father always caught in the middle and I always pretending not to know how evil they were, out of love for him.  And I have a feeling that even now from her grave she is still scheming. Be sure to know, your sin will find you out. But the Lord catches the crafty in their craftiness. He will bring justice to victory and in the end His covenant is the only covenant. 

Then I think what pain his own soul was in and try to move past my own pain. Something is happening in the spiritual realm to be sure, the things at my job brought all this to the surface and it was never dealt with and now here I am uncovering this at this time in my life. It’s not by chance. There is a healing about to take place and it’s in God’s time.This is why I have an unsettled feeling in my spirit. It’s as if the Lord is telling me something is happening and I need to find out what it is. “The Lord directs the path of a righteous man.” He does not allow His servants to come to harm. And it is in His time when He brings things to light. Only He knows when and why because He sees the end to the beginning, unlike us. We want to rush things.

So I wait because I know that my father must have put that paper in my documents for a reason. Then my mother told me the other day, “yes your Aunt Marilyn called me before your dad’s death and said, “you need to get in touch with Don, he wants to talk to you. But I didn’t know how to get in touch with him. They didn’t have cell phones back then and I couldn’t call the house.”

“Well, I said, he probably wanted to tell you what he told me. That he loved you.” Then I told her that he was trying to get in touch with my brother too, but he didn’t get in touch with him either. I was the only one that saw him that last time and sometimes I’m angry at him for leaving me in such a way. I find myself screaming at him as if he can hear me and if he could I would say it. “You know it’s really crappy what you did to me and I would never do it to anyone that I love!” That’s really breaking a covenant with someone in the worst possible way for all eternity and harming someones soul beyond repair.

Every time I look at my son and his long legs while he’s playing baseball I want to cry. I think of all the years that he’s been robbed of and what he might think while looking at my son out on the field. He’s built just like my dad and I can’t help but smile. Just the thought of it gets me choked up. I was the one that really offered him support. His wife controlled him and that’s what she hated about me I didn’t have to control my dad, I loved my dad and he listened to me out of love and respect. I was a threat to her and that she could not handle.

At times I find myself getting angry that my father even shares a grave next to this woman, yet the Lord reminds me, “he isn’t there, he’s only sleeping.” Yes, that’s true. When I am in my worst agony I have to remember, I will see him again. And then I will be on the other side of all of this and be able to say “oh grave where is thy sting? Oh death where is thy victory?” But for this woman,may she have found repentance before she died, however, I doubt that happened, by what I suspect she has done and may the Lord have mercy on her soul.

What Is Truth?

Voice of Truth Casting Crownsobject>

The question that Pilate asked Jesus. I was asked this very same question when sitting before a man that claimed to be an atheist, but to me these people just want to be convinced of truth. He seemed very angry at my own circumstances and wondered why I wasn’t angry that the God that I believe in would allow me to suffer so much. “Oh, I know what your answer is going to be,” he told me. Well, of course no answer I give would be sufficient to someone that does not believe, however, I do love to tell people about my faith, because this is what this man seems to be fascinated by. As he pointed out that the Christians did not help the Jews during the holocaust, I pointed out that indeed, many did help the Jews. He agreed. When he pointed out that “those Christians claimed to believe in this or that, and it was contrary to biblical principal, I said, “that’s what they say.” “Yes, that is, but they’re Christians.” ‘No, they’re not Christian’s,”I told him. Everyone that claims to be a Christian is not a Christian, just by claiming to be one. “How about the KKK?” “Oh, they are the worst! Now, how can proponents of hatred,be considered, Christians at all?” Once again, he stated, “that’s what they say.” “Well, that’s what they say! Therein lies the problem and the reason that God gave us His word. It is the guidebook for living. Inspired by His spirit and it is His truth. Not subject to change. It isn’t a convenient truth and it isn’t relative to each person. It is absolute and unchanging. It is irrefutable. The Word of God is alive and it is the same yesterday, today and forever. It has the power to change men’s lives. So, I will stand on this word of truth, no matter, what THEY say. Because THEY are wrong, when compared to God. God never tells man kill men to hate. In fact, Jesus said, “love your enemies, bless those who curse you.” If there are those that are preaching a different message, it is not a Christian but another spirit at work. Remember the Lord spoke about one  who”masquerades as an angel of light in order to deceive.”  (2 Cor 11: 14)Yes, since the beginning in the book of Genesis, he was there in the form of a snake, and he will arrive again in Revelation again to make war with the Lord. Don’t be deceived, wherever there is truth, there is always the counterfeit.

According to the Word of God, the wheat and the tares grow together and the tares will not be torn up until the last day and thrown into the fire. Now if you study wheat and tares it is interesting. They look alike.Even their fruit, except when they are pulled up and thrown into the fire. I’ve always wondered at that. The Lord spoke about this. He said that you would know the true believer’s by “there fruit.” Meaning the fruit of their lives. Your lives would reflect the relationship you have with Him. This in turn would show what is happening around you in every aspect of your life. If your heart is false, He will know. He also said, “my sheep know me. They hear my voice and they follow me. Another voice they will not hear.” Only the true sheep of the Shepherd know what this means because they have heard the voice of the Holy Spirit and this comes with the regeneration by the rebirth. If this has not happened then it is because a person has not entered into a personal relationship with Christ.

This is what brings me to the most important part of this message and the answer to my post; What Is Truth? That really is, Who is truth? Jesus Christ said, I am the way, the truth and the Life, No One comes to the father, but through me.(John 14:6) If you want to know truth, it’s really very simple. You must know Christ. You must repent and ask Him to be your savior.

The Blues Brother’s…Or Are They Kosher?

I brought my mentally challenged brother down from Wisconsin to live with me a few years ago and it’s been hilarious and sometimes quite a challenge, since I also have a ten year old son. He gets jealous at times. My brother has the mentality of a very young boy and it makes it quite easy for my son to manipulate him.

A couple of years ago he decided that he wanted to be dressed as one of the Blues Brother’s for Halloween and my brother was going to be the other one. Sure, my brother is going along with the plan whether he wants to or not. But since they had both just watched the movie, my brother loved the idea. I told my son that I could get the disguise they needed at a thrift store and I was very good at putting things together, but no, he had a better plan. Since most ten year old boys know everything that there is to know, they can tell you how it is. We were in a party store and lo and behold, my son saw a ready made Blues Brother’s kit. Come on guys! What a bunch of sell outs! How much do you get for selling this to the kids? I told him, “those are not the right kind of hats!” But I reiterate…He knows everything!” “Yes, they are and that’s all we need, it even has the harmonica’s in it! Yea, like they’re really going to be playing those and if they do I will really be ready to go looking the “Blues Brother’s.”

I get the kits and bring them home. My son puts his on and puts my brother’s on him and I just about fell out laughing. “Ok,” I said, you look like anything but some blues musicians. Maybe some Orthodox jews going to temple. My brother just happened to be wearing a shirt that he got from an Amish farm he had been visiting once and that made it even more hilarious, because without the glasses,that’s what he looked like. An Amish farmer!

I was in my uniform an getting ready for work when this little production was taking place and I was watching my son, always the performer, acting like he was praying and playing the harmonica. Issuing commands to my brother;”Kevin, put the harmonica up to your mouth! No, like this! Now turn around so your sister can take your picture! Now bow down, like this! No, like this!”

I was cracking up! And now I heard a knock on the door! I went to open it up and standing there were two women with books in there hands. “Oh no,” I said. “Are you Jehovah’s Witnesses?” “Yes,”We are” “Well I am just on my way to work and I don’t have time to talk.”

After closing the door, I told my daughter. “Oh, my gosh. There were just two Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door! If only I would have been quicker to think. I could have sent my son andmy brother as the two Rabbi’s! ” Then my daughter being just as witty stated, “how do you know they were really Jehovah’s Witnesses?” At this I just fell out laughing! “Ahhh, true, very true! We could all just be imposters!”

We went to the harvest festival down the street and we bumped into a good friend of ours who just happens to be a Messianic Jew and when he saw my son he said, “you look just like a rabbi!’ and to my brother who was not wearing the glasses because they were too dark, he replied, “and you look like an Amish guy!” 

This was so much fun that my son said that next year he wants to dress up as the Bee Gees. Hmmm, I’m feeling sorry for my brother already!

Invest In What Thieves Cannot Steal


There's a scam artist for every new day

There's a scam artist for every new day

Yes, the greed of man. It knows no limits. But is Madoff that much different than man others? He wasn’t that much different than the people that turned a blind eye to his ways. And some that even said, “they knew he was cheating and that’s why they invested with him.” Now I’m not saying everyone was greedy, but isn’t it the truth, that greed was at the bottom of the fallout with the housing industry as well. If something does sound this good, it is by it’s nature suspicious. However, many were caught up in his web of deception. How many people could and would come up with such an elaborate scheme? Well, the heart of a man is truly evil. I think of this whenever a person says to me, “God knows my heart.” Hmmm, scary thought, since God Himself has stated, “the human heart above all things is wicked and deceitful. Who can know it?” He also states that “our own hearts deceive us.” Well that can be easily seen when you listen to a man like Bernie Madoff and he says plainly, I couldn’t stop myself. I knew this day was coming.”

Why couldn’t he stop himself? He became so caught up in his greed and corruption that he became, ‘criminally insane.‘ People say it’s as if he doesn’t have a soul. Well, that just isn’t true. Every man and woman has a soul and it is appointed that each and every one of us will give account for our deeds. The problem with people like Mr. Madoff is very simply what was  spoken of “his conscience has been seared as if with hot irons.”  ( 1 Timothy 4:2) He has been sinning for so long that his heart has become hardened and he cannot hear that small voice speaking to him. This voice of conscience is the voice that God has placed within each of us. The stone tablets placed upon man’s hearts so that when we stand before Him we are without excuse. (Prverbs 3:3, 2 Cor. 3:3) It is the barometer that keeps us on the straight and narrow. It is what separates us from the animals. The moral absolutes that God has given to us to protect us.

The Lord walked among the sinners, it is where He spent His time, because this is where He was needed and one very wealthy man approached him. He asked if he could follow Him. Very simply the Lord turned to Him and said, “yes. All you must do is sell everything you own and give your money to the poor.Matthew 19:21) Then follow me.” At this the man became very sad indeed. “Do you mean I must sell everything that my father slaved his whole life for?” This seemed insurmountable to this man. The Lord reminded him that any man or woman that could do this would be rewarded one hundred times over in the kingdom of God. This man just could not do this. The Lord turned back to His followers and addressed them. “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:24)

These spiritual truths are very difficult for a person of material means to grasp. They are inundated every day with the material world and the power they have acquired, but they share the same grave with the poor. Though this life is short by comparison, it is where most people store up their ‘things.’ Why? For other’s to steal and spend?

When my father was alive he had a job that he slaved for. It was important. He was married to a woman that had nothing but contempt for us, his children. My mother divorced my father when we were young, but I loved my father in spite of all of his problems and would do anything for him. His wife knew that we were close and she despised me. I was in a very abusive relationship and my father wanted me to live in his house with him. I could have lived anywhere, but I knew this was a way of him recapturing what he never had. A chance to have his daughter in his home again. I conceded. Even though I was 20, I moved in. His wife would not even get up off of the sofa and made it clear that she had no part in this plan. From the day I moved in, her and her daughter’s made my life miserable.

My father told me he would never go into my room and I knew that was true, however this woman and her two daughter’s went through my things and cut up my clothes. They took things from me and made sure to orchestrate an argument between me and my father. It had to happen. This woman controlled my father. When I finally said, “Dad, don’t be a hypocrite, she was running around with you when you were married with five kids.” I can tell you I never saw a woman that big come flying into another room as fast as she did, but it was clear from that moment that she did indeed brew this pot of poison and my father got up from where he was sitting and slapped me in the face. The this woman started screaming like a banshee and all the way to the front door. But interestingly enough it wasn’t about me. She was yelling derogatory remarks about my mother. I wondered in amazement at the odd things she was screaming out her front door as I watched my father trying to contain her as if she was a cherry bomb going through a neighbor’s window. Wow! So this is what all these years have stored up. Why did she hate my mom? My mom divorced my dad and yes, my dad wanted her back, but she always said, “to the victor goes the spoils.” She has the breadwinner and she wouldn’t let my dad pay for our house or anything. We were forced to move to a project once she got her hands on him. My mother suffered the death of my brother right in the middle of that and then had a nervous breakdown and no, the woman still wasn’t happy.

We were sent to a children’s home and she wouldn’t let my father take us into their house. Not that I would want that anyway. Now my oldest brother is mentally retarded because he was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and he had to be placed in a home. This is right where the story gets interesting. Yes, of course all of this is sad, but I also see Gods hand. Vengeance is His, and He does repay.

My father always felt guilt about my brother, even though there was nothing he could do about him. But the evil woman had no compassion in her whatsoever. Now one evening we came to visit at Christmas and my brother became ill. I believe my dad was giving him beer, but that’s beside the point. He gave everyone beer. To this day, my brother will not touch a beer. My dad wanted him to stay the night. My brother only came to visit from the town he was in, twice a year, so this was a special time for my dad. All of a sudden I heard that wicked shrill voice, “Don! Come upstairs, right now!” He went up the stairs and a few minutes later he was down and telling us that we had to take my brother home and he wouldn’t be able to spend the night. I was furious. This woman, just deprived my father of any joy that he had.

When my father died, she made sure her children sat in the front row at the funeral. My father, who never walked into a church, except when I was a little girl, was now getting a eulogy, from a priest as if he was a regular member. The only thing the guy said about him that was true, was that, “Don liked to drink.” Geesh, even a guy off the street could have gotten that right. She made sure none of us were able to ride behind his hearse and at the gravesite she made sure to bury my father with the Purple Heart from my grandfather. She almost intentionally forgot to give my brother the military flag from my grandfather as well and was going to try to give it to her son, except he told her, “no!’ Then she ran after my brother to give it to him. This was the final straw. After my conversation with my father and knowing that he did this intentionally, which I never told her, it was on! This woman either knew about it or helped him do it and I was pissed! This bizarre behavior at his funeral just made me sick and my father would have been so hurt to know she was doing this to us.

So I investigated. She lied through her false teeth and false heart and I’m betting if those investigators would have seen what she did a few years later, they would have investigated all over again. But there was no need, because, as I said, God is the great leveler of mankind. We didn’t want money. My father didn’t either. He wanted a job. His job. We wanted our father. This woman didn’t love our father, and she sure didn’t love us and she loved money and things and in the end…she didn’t get either one.

A few years ago, I saw a little discrepancy on my credit report. It stated that I had a co-mortgage in 1997. How can this be? I had just purchased my first home in 1998. Well, I noticed that it was purchased in Milwaukee at a bank that this woman’s daughter had worked at and I was very suspicious. I was worried too. What if she or someone else has stolen my identity? Then I wondered about a possible Will that my father may have had. None of us cared. He didn’t really have anything anyway. But maybe they were using my credit somehow. So my brother, and my disabled brother flew up to Milwaukee to find out. We found out that his wife had died. I can only say, I did not grieve. I pray she repented before she died and that’s all I can say. She was one of the most evil people I knew. But when we pulled the deed for the house, she quit claimed it to her daughter. Ok, then we got the Will. She had left it opened for four years. My brother and I wondered why. “Oh, I told him, because their was a lawsuit pending. She wanted to get her greedy hands on that money. Remember? But wait a minute. What’s this? She only got $18,417.00 and now the State of Wisconsin came in with a bill for the care of our brother totalling $118,358.91! We started laughing so hard that my brother, who could not understand what we were laughing about, started laughing with us! No way! We started sifting papers. How could she begin to pay this? Hey, remember when she wouldn’t let Kevin stay at the house that one night?” lol This should cover the cost for that,” I said. “OMG, I gotta, call mom,” This is too rich”

So after looking through everything, funeral expenses, attorney’s fees and the settlement from the state, she ended up with about $4000. Really, all that hatred and the energy that went into trying to store up material wealth? Now she’s buried in a grave right smack dab next to my dad. “From ashes to ashes, from dust to dust.” Where did all that deception get her in the end? My mom sure had a laugh from all of it though. And although the woman was hell bent on making as much misery as she could for my mother, and I couldn’t understand it, my father’s words to me that last time were, “give my love to your mother.”

So when you look at people like Madoff, pity them. They do have a soul and as long as they are alive there is always a chance that they can turn. Prison may be a blessing. We are all a slave to whatever masters us, so we should take a good hard look at ourselves and see if we are indeed so different than the rich man. Could we let go of all of these things? Test your own hearts and see. Remember the apostle Paul tells us to be content in all things.Because it is not money that is the root of all evil, but it is “the love of money that is the root of all evil.” I hear people  misquoting that scripture all the time.

If I’m a fool, I’m a fool for Christ, Who’s fool are you?

I was thinking about a bumper sticker I had on my car once and it read; April 1 National Atheist Day, ” For the fool says in his heart that there is no God.” (Psalm 14:1)

Well, I would get a lot of laughs from that bumper sticker and a few would scratch their heads, but one time I was sitting a light and I noticed some young guys glaring at me from the car next to me. Of course most people forget that they have any kind of stickers or anything on their cars at this point, and I thought perhaps I had cut them off or something. No, I know that I hadn’t. I was in the car with my daughter and about 7months pregnant with my son, so I was very large indeed. I continued to drive to the gas station and as I pulled in to get gas, these guys pulled in behind me. I had hardly noticed except when I was getting the pump, the guy comes up and says, “who are you calling a fool?” All of a sudden I am wondering, have I met this guy at a function somewhere? He looks very dark and sinister. His friend does as well, as he remains in the car. “I don’t even know you,” I said. “Well, you’re callin me a fool,” he continues. I haven’t even spoken to you and have no idea what you are talking about and you need to get out of my face.” At this point I see my daughter is terrified and my main concern is for her safety. I go around my car and take her out and go into the station. I tell the attendant that there are two guys out here that just followed me and now they are starting something. As soon as I come in they jump in there car and leave. The attendant is a man that I know and he was just asking me if he should call the police and I said, “no, they’re leaving. Now as I come out to my car I realize it’s my bumper sticker that set them off. I think, well, if that’s all it takes then let the demons be upset! That some thugs are going to bully a pregnant woman and her daughter because of something like this is reprehensible and just proves my point, doesn’t it? Without God in their life, look at how they behave. Like a couple of fools! Chasing me right into a gas station! I mean if God doesn’t exist then why be so disturbed about Him? That has always been my question. How can you be emotional about anything that doesn’t matter?

Christ’s existence has been proven over and over again and even by eye witness accounts. When people have tried to disprove the resurrection they have come to faith.  (Evidence That Demands AVerdict- Josh McDowell) This is how I came back to my faith. I had what you would call a ‘born again’ experience when I was quite young. My pastor’s did not even know what it was that had happened to me, since it was not something that was understood or taught in the Lutheran church. It was what Nicodemus, the teacher of the law, had asked Jesus about when he sneaked off to see him, in the evening. (John 3) He asked him how he could enter the kingdom of heaven and Jesus clearly told him that a man must be “born again.” Well, of course, Nicodemus, being of a natural mind, asked, “can a man enter his mother’s womb a second time?” Then Jesus answered, “flesh gives birth to flesh, but spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, you must be born again.” So Jesus was talking about regeneration folks, not a religion. For those of you that talk about all those born agains. lol  I have news for you, nobody is getting into the kingdom unless they are one of those “born agains.” You had better get your bibles out and study the word and show yourselves approved! Don’t depend upon someone else to do it for you. Christ pointed the way and told us that this regeneration is imperative and it must happen.

Now I told you this experience happened to me when I was young, but I seemed to fall away, with all the cares of the world, however, I never lost faith. I always believed. The Lord had to do drastic things to remind me that He is who He is and He always is at my side, holding me and comforting me. In fact one of His many names is The  Comforter.” (Parakletos) It is supernatural and without and way of describing when I have been totally exasperated with grief, He seems to come and place His arms around me and protect me.

At the death of my father and my brother I came back to my faith and it was a searching with all of my heart. I asked for one simple thing from God and it was, “if you’re real, let me be with my brother when he dies.” Well, it was most supernatural, but I ended up being with him in Milwaukee. He orchestrated every moment and I couldn’t deny it. But what I experienced at his death was the most incredible of all. Yes, if I was an atheist, I would say goodbye to April fools day that day. My brother who had been in a coma, sat up in his bed with the biggest smile on his face and he looked beyond all of us in his room. He looked beyond and it seemed at someone. It was almost beautiful and as much sadness as I felt I didn’t want to hold him back, even if I could. I felt the presence of someone in that room. My other brother stood alongside of him and said, “who’s he looking at?” I sure didn’t know, but today I would say, it was the Lord Himself. He looked radiant. At that moment, he took a couple of breaths and layed back, just as the Lord described, “he is not dead, but only sleeping.” And the Lord took him home. Yes, I was meant to be there because the Lord had something so much greater planned for me and the sacrifice of my brother’s young life was not in vain. “Unless a kernel of wheat dies and falls to the ground, it abides alone. But if it dies, it bears much fruit.” (John 12:24) Of course He’s referring to The Great Commission.(Matt.28:19 ) This torment of losing my father and my brother within a year of each other and the way that I had lost them both, created a need for me to search for truth. I started to read everything. I read about Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. And none of it offered any hope of redemption. Besides it made it difficult for a person like my brother to understand and that would have ruled out salvation for him. Nope, that wasn’t the answer. Then I heard Josh McDowell speaking about his books, Evidence That Demand A Verdict. Being analytical by nature I thought let me check this out. An attorney that wanted to disprove the resurrection. Well, after he gathered his evidence he stated that there was enough evidence to convict Jesus Christ in a court of law today, of doing exactly what he said He did. Of course I went out and bought the books. But I didn’t really need to read them because the gospel is a simple message and the Lord said, it was made this way so that people like my brother could enter the kingdom and the prideful would not.(Luke 10:21) Remember the only ones that Christ had a problem with were the teachers of the law. The Pharisees and the Sadducee’s. So blinded by pride that they thought they knew the laws, so much more than He did, and He was the fulfillment of the LAW! They did not even recognize their own messiah. This is what pride will do to a man. I told you. They do not recognize the messengers.

Now another important step to the regeneration is dying. Yes, that’s right. How can you be “born again” unless you die first? Well, once again, Christ always spoke in spiritual terms. We must die to ourselves and the things that hinder us from our regeneration. Our natural desires our to live for self. Greed and self service. Look all around you and you will see.

It is the reason that a third of the angels were thrown out of the heavens and if you study that part of biblical history you will find that Satan’s desire was to exercise his will over the will of God. He took this will and  used it to influence Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden as well. There were five “I will’s” of Satan and the fifth was, “I will ascend to be higher than God.(Isaiah14:12) Well, we all know that he was a created being and that fifth proclaimation, was just enough to get him cast out of heaven for all eternity.

This is why when we pray the Lord’s prayer we pray, “thy will be done.” Not my will. Even the Christ, being God in the flesh, knew the suffering that He was about to endure. He asked,”if there was any way this cup could be taken, yet not my will, but thine be done.” Always submitting to the Father.In the end it is liberating to give instead of take. To submit your will instead of exert your will. This is what the Lord wants you to see.

You do submit to a force even if you say that you are an atheist. It’s just not the will of God. And I will end with this question once again. My title came from the apostle Pauls question, “if I’m a fool I’m a fool for Christ,” who’s fool then are you?(1Corinthians 4:10)

Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!

I was getting ready for church and had just walked out of my closet with some rather high heels on, when I felt dizzy and started to fall. It seemed as if I was making a pirouette. In slow motion I twirled and I remember thinking, don’t fall into that jewelry stand. I had a self-made jewelry stand with hooks on it for strands of necklaces and earrings that I had made years ago. When I was into that phase. Well, of course I did just that. Catching the side of my right shoulder as I fell, and my hair. I screamed for my daughter. She was terrified as she came running into my room, to find me in a tangled mess. Of course it could have been a lot worse and I thought of how I only ended up with a little scratch on my shoulder rather than a gouge and any broken bones. The Lord must have angels all around me. What a klutz.

The next day my left hip started to hurt and it radiated down my leg. This is not good, I thought. I couldn’t determine if I had done something from the fall or not. I sure wasn’t going to be wearing any high heels anytime soon. I guess after 50 is the turning point. Hmmm.This pain became worse and I thought I did some major damage so I went into the ER nearest my home to have an MRI.

The doctors were nice and had me on a gurney in the hall. This is the way it’s done these days. No room in the inn. I actually watched a doctor sewing up a guys face right in front of me! I couldn’t believe it. I joked with the nurse when he came to check on me that I had a kidney transplant while he was gone. Well, even the surgeon doing the stitches was laughing at that. I said, “hey if you have time, would you do some cosmetic surgery on me?” He laughed again and handed me his card before he left. Wow, I’m not sure if that was much of a compliment.

I had a very cute doctor that came to me and told me they found nothing on my MRI, and all tests were normal. He then grabbed my side and said, “you’re really thin.” Ok, that was worth all the money I’m going to be spending on his bill, I thought. “Well, what is wrong with me.? ” I, fell down and have had this pain ever since.?” Well, he said, you may have done something to your back. Probably go to a chiropractor.” Ok, so that’s what I get for all this, I thought.

The very next day I went to my brother’s basketball game and all of a sudden I had pain shooting from the left side of my neck into my head and it felt like my head was going to explode. My left ear was blocked and it was throbbing. My mother has high blood pressure and I remembered her telling me that her ears were blocked and it was one of the signs. I also remember quite clearly that denial is the first symptom of heart problems. Now as I sat at this game, in severe pain, thoughts were racing through my head. “What if these doctors missed it?” What if I have high blood pressure or heart problems and they think it’s something else?” I did have a borderline reading the day before and they seemed to ignore that. Now I was in so much pain I was almost in tears. As I imagined myself being wheeled out on a gurney I thought, I will look like a hypochondriac to go back to this hospital. Not to mention the bill. There is no clinic to handle this problem that I know of though. When I look up these symptoms it states, “go to your emergency room.”

By the time I get back home I am in so much pain I tell my ex to take my brother and son and I head off to the ER, once again. Here I see an intern and tell him that I am back for the second time. I tell him that I think they missed the problem and that I have had explosive pain in my head, now radiating from my neck and my ears are popping, mainly my left ear. It even hurts when he puts his instrument in to check it. This time a doctor shows up that I had seen prancing the halls the day before. Strutting his stuff, but so cocky and I was waiting for what he would say. He told me that he would do a cat scan. OK, that sounds right. He’s the doctor, so I assume too much. And since he’s also a cocky doctor, I only realize too late that I should have done my homework. The cat scan comes back with something that he states is a chiari malformation, but that’s really nothing. Besides the fact that my friends are all going to say, “we knew something was wrong all along!”  It’s been there since birth and it can cause migraines. “Oh really, why haven’t I ever had them before?” Well, because they can be triggered, by hormones or stress.” What?, this makes no sense.” In my life, the stress factor means I should have had migraines since I was in Kindergarten. Hmmm. I’m thinking this guy is just trying to give me something to appease me. Nope, I’m not making this up. I’m in pain and I want to know what’s wrong. He tells me he will give me something for migranes and send me on my way. Then he says, “you should follow up with a neurologist.” Well that I will.

I go to the drugstore and get something to wrap around my neck to relieve the pain and start using a heating pad. Now I’m really starting to feel like a grandma. I am not living my life like this. I am in tears as the pain comes and goes and I am thinking this is ridiculous that I have been to the ER, twice with no diagnoses.

The next day I decided to look in the phone book.  Well, first thing on the agenda. PAIN. I look under Pain Clinics. Lo and behold, there is a pain clinic and the doctor also claims to be a neurologist. This is perfect I think. I make the call. As I can barely hold the phone to my aching head, I ask the girl how soon I can get in. “Next Monday, she says. “Oh, no sooner than that?” “Nope, if anything opens up before that, I’ll let you know.” “Ok, thanks, I say and hang up.

I suffer all that week and through the weekend until Monday finally arrives. I walk into the Pain/Neurologist clinic. I was most amazed by what I witnessed. Perhaps naivety has crept in since I have grown older. In the 60’s and 70’s what we would have given to have clincs like this available to us. Yes, I was amazed as I sat in excruciating pain and watched one person after another walk into this clinc and pay for pills from a boy, no older than 19(I asked him) from behind a doorway. Without even seeing the doctor. While I waited.

I had spoken to the girl at the front desk and she was getting my results from my MRI and catscan from the hospital. Person after person walked in. I filled out the paperwork and it clearly stated that the doctor would take no responsibility if you became addicted to the pills he prescribed for you. Even though he was becoming wealthy from your addiction. Funny how that works. A few people would come to give him a pee sample to make sure they had no liver or kidney damage. But I’m wondering what happened if they did, since the paper clearly waived their rights. I guess it was just so they would know that they were killing themselves before they purchased their next dose.

Well, I was called into a room and told, by the girl, that my results showed nothing wrong. I said, then why did the doctor prescribe migrane medicine?”  I said, I don’t want medication, I want to find out what the problem is and fix it. I almost started to cry. While I was talking to her the doctor actually walked into the room and looked at me, with such indifference. As if to say, “what’s she crying about?” She had such compassion, she touched my neck and asked me where it hurt. I don’t even know if she was qualified to do that, yet that is what medical people should do. Next she said, “I’ll have the doctor talk to you.

The doctor called me into his office. Not even into an exam room. He looked at me warily as if he thought I was suspicious. I guess because I had insurance, he thought I was checking him out or something. He wouldn’t even look up at me as he said. “You know, I’m looking at this and chiari malformation is nothing.” “I know that! I said.” There is something wrong with my neck and I am in serious pain! Now I want to find out what’s wrong with me!” Next he says, “well, I’ll write a prescription for an MRI, but they won’t find anything.” Oh, I wanted to grab him by his own neck and snap it at that moment. I was furious. To think that this man would give pills to all these people and most of them probably didn’t need them, or had long passed the point of needing them, and here I sit in so much pain and he’s telling me basically, that I’m the one that is lying!” Ok, I said, just write the prescription for the MRI and we’ll see.” He gets up from his chair and walks over to the kid to hand it to him and I say, “what do you think is wrong if you had to guess?” “Oh, I don’t know, maybe a pulled muscle.” “Well, if you had to put money on it, what would you say is wrong with me? ” I press on. He finally walks over to me and puts his hands on his patient! He touches my neck and asks me to turn around and bend my neck. I’m wondering when it was that he last treated a patient like a patient.

I go around the corner and talk to the girl at the desk. I ask her how long it will take to get the results of the MRI. She tells me “if you go to your place, within a week. But if you go to ours it will be the same day.” “Well then I’ll go to yours.” She then calls a guy and squeezes me in for that very evening and I’m so grateful since I’m in such pain. I’m thinking this will work out. They’ll have an answer by tomorrow and I’ll just go to a chiropractor or something and have it fixed. I’m sure not taking anything from this doctor. She gets off the phone and tells me that everything is set up. “Now listen it’s in a mobile unit behind Hooters.” “What? Why don’t they come to me then?” She starts cracking up. “What are these some rednecks eating chicken wings and drinking beer while they’re doing MRI’s?” “Girl, you’re crazy, she says.Now she tells me, if you use your insurance it will cost more, but if you pay it’s only $225. Hmmm, I’m starting to see how all this works. Why would I pay out of pocket if I have insurance? Does that make sense?

Later I go to Hooter’s as planned. I know you all think I’m crazy, but God had a bigger plan. I saw a special on the news the night before and couldn’t believe it. All of these  places referred to as ‘pill mills’

and that they are indeed legal. The only thing that is illegal are the out of state people shopping for pills. Well what I saw made me forget about the pain in my neck and made me want to cry. Young people stumbling in and out of their cars. I wasn’t sure if I was in the right place, so I went up to one guy. He was some gangster in a car and trashed as could be. I said, “do they do MRI’s in their?” “Yea, man.” Hmmm. I went up the stairs and a young girl opened the door to let me in. When I handed her my insurance card, she didn’t know what to do with it. The guy took it and had me fil out some papers.



A little while later, after watching person after person file into this place with cash in hand, the guy turns to me. He tells me they can’t take me because the computer is only set up to accept cash and not insurance. “Oh no, I said. “I’m not leaving, I have a special appointment and I’ve watched one person after another stumbling into this place. While I’m in real pain and in need of this. You are not sending me away!” Meanwhile his phone rings. I’m talking to the girl and telling her. “I could walk out to that parking lot and buy a pill from one of those poor people if I needed to and I’m just here to get an MRI.” The guy hangs up and states, “I don’t know who you are, but you must be someone important, your doctors called and said to make sure you get your MRI.” lol This was funny because later the doctor didn’t seem to know what I was talking about.

On my way out the guy shakes my hand and helps me to the door and the girl hands me a bunch of cards and tells me to give them to my friends. Yea, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Over the weekend, I start reading about the sorcerers and the Lord reminded me that sorcery is not just witchcraft, but its true definition in the the bible is pharmakae from the Greek. Which is to bind someone to you by addiction, a poisoner, enslaving one, indebting one to you by the use of drugs, medicating, etc. And in the last days this would be at an all time high. Doctors are literally leaving legitmate practices to pursue this and everyone involved is becoming wealthy except the ones that they are killing. But the doctors are also enslaved by the lifesyle it has afforded them. However, they must consider the cost. They have sold their integrity.

I was finally healed ove the weekend and went in to the doctors office. Then I started to realize that this is probably what this whole thing was about. Just to bring me to this place. Yes, I’ve been sent into very dark places and as a believer we know there are always dual purposes to everything. A natural and a spiritual. We must always ask, Lord, what is going on here?  I’ll admit, I go into places that most will not go. My girlfriend asked me years ago, “why don’t things like this ever happen to me?” I said,” Kerry, I think it’s cause I’m too stupid to be scared!” lol

As I went in to seen him, I was again greived to see his lobby filled. Everyone intoxicated by the poison he dispensed. I wondered how many legitmately needed this medication. I listened as two women talked about what drug he ran out of and how disappointed they were. A girl at church told me this was called “doctor shopping” and he probably thought that’s what I was doing.

When after waiting for two hours I finally had a chance to see him, I asked him what he’d found on my MRI. “You have a bulging disk and it is touching your spinal cord.” “Oh do I? Well, I didn’t get that MRI for my benefit but for yours. Because if you recall you told me that you’d write the MRI, but they wouldn’t find anything.” “I would never say that to a patient, he stated. “Well, I won’t argue with you, but that’ s exactly what you said.” Now I just want you to know that I sat in your waiting room in such pain and watched people come and go without ever seeing you. They received medication for who knows what? Yet, you didn’t want to help me. “Well, I can’t give medication to people without diagnosing them.” “Of course not. But you didn’t even want to write me an MRI.” Now you took and oath, to do no harm and you are doing great harm. Perhaps you should get and MRI. What I saw made me want to cry.” “I don’t judge, he said.” “Well, you should use judgement.” After talking to some people at my church about this they said that they’ve noticed these pain clinics everywhere and they’d never noticed them before. Yes, they are legal drug dens and they’re making a fortune. The Lord did speak about them and everytime you read about sorcery and witchcraft, you can insert, drug addiction and the sorcerers are the ones who peddle that poison. Their hands are full of blood and they will stand before the Lord and give full account for the lives they’ve destroyed.

In these days people are looking to medicate their souls and yet the Lord is the only one that can fill this vacuum. The sorcerers are false. They will try to take the place of the Lord and benefit from your demise and in the end they will bring you to ruin.

The thief comes to steal, to kill and to destroy, but the Lord comes to give life and life more abundantly. John 10:10