I was sad yesterday, as I usually am on the anniversary of your death.
The same is true on your birthday. These are day’s which come and go, and it always seems, I may get on a little easier, but I feel this dark cloud, it’s a feeling, and it isn’t as if I have the day marked on my calendar. I just have that funk, as if it’s about to rain.
Then, just in case I didn’t remember, mom pulled the obituary card from her wallet. “Oh, look, this is your dad’s.” You see how much she think’s about you dad?
You two may have been apart for years, but in your hearts you always remained. Which reminds me, a question which I would really love an answer to someday. How did I get the marriage certificate, (which seems to be a fraud) between you and Rae Marie?This second marriage which you never claimed was a real marriage.
I was going through all of my papers when I found a strange thing appear on my credit report showing me still living in your house after 30 years. It sparked suspicion. This led to me finding a mortgage taken out in my name and as I searched through my documents, I found your marriage certificate.
That made me think back to all those years of your drunken remarks, of not really being married. I just thought you were blowin smoke out of your you know what. But what really bugged me was, how did I come into possession of this document? It was just plain, creepy.
I’ve lived in another state for 28 years, and I’ve moved many times. I’ve had these files forever. Never have I seen this. And why would I have it? I don’t have your marriage certificate to mom. It’s as if someone wanted me to know this for some important reason.But who? And if it was you, then it’s out of the spirit world. But how did you pull off this Houdini-esque trick? I mean to come back from the grave and put this in my documents? To prove this? And why?
Is it that important to you to let me know this? It is strange that you both went to Illinois, as you couldn’t marry in Wisconsin, since you and her were still married. Who was that woman? She was evil until the very end. I never knew anyone to be as evil and hateful as this woman in my life. I could not understand this kind of evil and could only believe she had made some kind of pact with the devil or something. At any rate, she sure didn’t get anything, so it didn’t do her any good.
Well dad, let me tell you what has taken place since you decided to get out of this place. You told me to take care of mom, and I am, to the best of my ability.
You told me to protect, your first born son and your name sake, and I am also doing that, to the best of my ability.
But, if you could have foreseen, what this world and it’s evil had in store, I doubt you would have left me with this mess.
They have squeezed your blood so many times and your son, they regarded as the throwaway, is the most important of all.
I know you thought I had broad shoulders dad, but I was just a little girl. I never got to be a child. I remember a few times that you came to save me and I will never forget those moments.I can tell you a few memories dad and now I know when they came. Those spirits. Those spirits that you could not battle.
I remember the time, that mom was in the hospital having Dennis. You were at home with us. I was taking a nap. You were outside with the my siblings. I saw the door. Those spirits came. I started to scream. As you ran into my room and scooped me up, you said I was having a nightmare, but I saw them. They were coming, through the portal. Trying to enter.
You were not able to fight against what was happening. A year later, Dennis died and that evil woman took you out of our lives. I saw that you had no understanding of the spirit world. You had no mantle. No spiritual authority and they beat you down.
Another time, I remember, going to sleep and all of a sudden I heard a throng of voices. As they rose from hell. Suffering voices. And I bolted upright in my bed. I was in terror as I heard them. It was as if the ground opened and I could hear every soul screaming and moaning. Nothing like that have I ever heard, and it gave me a deep compassion for people.
He works through the weak things of this earth. There was a mantle passed down. You had given this to me when you left this earth. Now I thought the program at your company had an interesting acronym. B.E.L.L. Meaning, Let’s Limit Employee Benefits.
Because I’ve often thought of this in relationship to you in a boxing ring, and tapping out, right before the Bell rings. I took your place in the ring. I carried on where you left off. And let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy.Sometimes, I’ve been scared. I’ve been lonely. I’ve wanted your advice. After all, I’m a woman and this is really a job for a father. I understand, that your first born son is mentally challenged and what pain this had caused you. I remember you crying as if this was somehow your fault. But nonetheless, the Lord knew, this responsibility had to pass to me. But if only you knew what you had left me with.
Evil men have taken advantage of me and brought terrible pain and suffering. And not just to me, but to mom and the rest of us.. I felt as if I was born with a sword in my hand and have been spinning in circles all my life to keep them at bay.It’s as if I can never let my arms down or there may be great harm. Forget about the chances of me ever having a relationship. I’m the great pariah. Did you know that this is the life you would leave for me? Thanks dad.
So I want to tell you dad that some days, if you were here, I would pound your chest and scream at you! I would probably curse you out and call you an SOB!!! I’d tell you that you were weak for getting involved with that evil B**** and she did all kinds of crazy stuff to hurt us while you were gone. Then it was hunting season for others to come in and take what they wanted. I’d tell you that I needed you a lot more as a young girl and more than ever now!
There are days that I’m just downright angry with you for leaving me in this mess. And then when I look at what these people have done, it’s like they are digging you up from the grave again and again. But I have to remember that this was the Lords plan. It was His design for them to be in this place.Not mine. So that in the end, they will know that God is God, and it is to His glory, that all of these things have taken place. His eyes are always on these helpless ones. He has said, “Does the one who has created the ear, not hear, what you are doing? Does the one who has created the eye, not see what you are doing?”
I didn’t create the mess. But the Lord’s words are, “Be sure to now your sin will find you out.” And it most certainly will. People that have no fear of God,just don’t believe that they will ever be caught for anything at all. So they just continue doing what they do.
It’s almost comical if it wasn’t so sad. My story is just incredible, and if someone else was telling me the details of my story, I’d say,”this girl has got to be fabricating this!” But there isn’t a producer that can write any script better than God, and that’s the truth!
By the way, dad, Kevin has turned out to be quite an artist, and you wouldn’t believe the beauty of this world through his eyes. Thank God, I have his eyes, to look through. He reminds me of what is truly important. I’m so happy to have him restored to his family.
I have mom in a pottery class and she seems to enjoy it. She has many memories of when we were young. The good times. I think of how similar her sense of humor is to yours and am grateful that this is the primary quality which has brought all of us through this shipwreck of a family.
I try to think of what you would do in these circumstances and keep my mind focused on what you have asked of me. If I set aside the drinking part, I think I’ve held it together pretty well, in spite of the cards I’ve been dealt.
This is my one job which I hold sacred. This is something which I see as a bond made with your own blood and God will not allow this to be broken, by any man. Believe me, many have tried. And now this money, has become a curse to many. They have gotten themselves in quite a pickle because of this and you would probably get quite a laugh out of this. It’s all because of Kevin. The one that everyone just disregarded.
But don’t worry dad. You bred a tough girl. All that suffering, mixed with that Irish blood, you were so proud of, made me quite a fighter. I know I have a job to do, and I must “be about my Father’s business.”
I will be faithful to the end. The Lord has a plan for mankind and it is my great honor to be used by Him. I am so blessed to know that even the pain of your death, was to be used by my Lord to bring about His plan. And you already knew I was the one with the soft heart of compassion who would bring about the circumstances to see this to it’s completion.
Yes, many times, I have been like our Lord and asked to take this cup from me. But I know, it cannot be passed. Many times, I have asked for punishment to fall on those responsible for these crimes. In so much hurt and anger. While I struggle to care for the ones that you have left behind. As I see these living lavish lives with this blood money, I scream in anger, “That money belongs to my father! And it is for my mother and my brother!”
Just yesterday as I woke in this depressed stated of mind, I was crying and speaking those words, “Whose going to pay for this? Whose going to pay?” I felt so much despair.
I came downstairs to make some coffee. I felt the cloud over me. I looked up at the hole in my kitchen ceiling which is supposed to be repaired. But the mortgage company is playing games with the insurance money. I have a stack of kitchen tile waiting to be put in and I’m worried that my mother is going to fall on them. I have a two-by-four holding up a cupboard. And face boards which have literally fallen off of cupboards.
I’ve taken a leave from work to take care of my mother because I could only fly half a schedule anyway. They offered unemployment and we would be saving other people from layoffs. But I found out that I was now denied a loan modification because unemployment does not qualify me for any modification program. So here I am in a house that is literally falling apart and trying to care for all of these people while I’m sitting at my table, with this question rattling around, “Whose going to pay?”
My gaze begins to drift to the paper plate at the end of the table. I had made a bunch of spikes with red paint for Easter. Some with chains and some with black beads. I heard some words quietly whispered into my ear, “I’ve already paid.”
I began to cry. “Yes, Lord.You did. And you did this for all men. Not just me.” So, I’m trying to balance this understanding of His plan with my own feelings of anger and hurt.
I try to temper my hurt with grace. I know that I’m not God. But He is and where I don’t have an earthly father, He fills in the gaps.
So sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed with the task that He has called me to, He reminds me that if I wasn’t capable, He wouldn’t have called me.
Then I spoke to someone on the phone and she was an angelic voice. Reminding me of what was important. She was supposed to be an attorney, but you would think she was a counselor of some sort, and I told her so at the end of my conversation. So sweet and comforting were her words to me, that I almost began to cry. She had ministered to my spirit in a time of crisis and told me to forget about the things which really don’t matter. “You have your mother with you right now and that is what’s important.”
It was as if my own father was giving me a gentle reminder of his words. “Give my love to your mother. Don’t worry about anything else.” “You’re right.” I told her.
So, I realized the Lord had sent that hug that I needed. And my pain and anger subsided. Then He reminded me that He loves all men. And that there is no sin too great which His blood did not pay! All we must do is turn to Him.
So, dad I am waiting to see you at the end of the journey!